How do you deal with your feelings of resentment when your siblings don’t help?

Reading all these posts let's me know I'm not alone. Thanks for sharing. My mom went into the NH 6 months ago and I have inherited the caretaker role. My dad passed away almost 3 years ago and it got kind of ugly. My mom and sibling really ganged up on me about the estate. My dad had no will and he was my sibling's stepfather. It was just like when I was kid because my mom always took my brothers side he was obviously her favorite. Before my dad died my brother visited often and when she spent several weeks in the hospital with pneumonia he would go everyday to visit. After the funeral his visits with our mother slowly dwindled to few and far between. His reason was the living conditions of her home which were horrible. I cleaned a few times after my dad died, but she wouldn't maintain it. But still My brother could do no wrong. When she had the second UTI and sepsis within 9 months my brother and I along with her doctor thought the NH would be the best place for her. She wouldn't manage her diabetes or take any if her medications regularly. Her living conditions were like watching an episode of Extreme Hoarders. He told our mother something different, though. While he is still the pet I still catch all the grief and do all the work. He only visits her in the NH when he feels like it. This is really hard because I do all the work, yet catch the greif. I have a family and a job, too, but he is always busy. My child is still at home while his have all moved out. Plus I have been contending with the cleanup of the hoard as well. Glad to know I'm not alone. It's difficult not to be resentful.

I feel for you Suzthe1. Everything is on you and you are stuck because you do care and the others don't. It will never make sense to you because it really doesn't make sense. No matter what you do it will not change, in my opinion. Your mother is part of the problem too. That wasn't the case with me. In your case, no one has your back.

I would try to extricate myself from this situation. None of them deserve your life and that is what you are giving up. Your 11 year old is your most important person. That is where your attention should be. Don't fall for the others sucking the life out of you. They are capable. They have made their choices. It is not your problem. You are being used. I wouldn't say this in a lot of situations, but it does seem to be that way in yours.

I'm with you girl. You be strong and do what you need to do for you and your child.

I too and a caregiver! I have 2 brothers and a sister. When I ask for help they fight with me. My Mom takes their side like its my job and I have an 11 yr old an d their kids are grown.My Mom will let them cuz me.Thats my biggest problem??If I could only understand why she does this?? I think I could ignore them if I could understand...I do everything...baths,all Drs appts everything....Why can't she respect me for what I do...maybe ask more of them.i have so much anger .....help

I was resentful of one sister in particular for a while as she was nearby and able (I thought) but wouldn't do a thing to help. I hadn't been around her in a lot of years until I went to my elderly father's to care for him. She lived 2 houses down and had some free time. As time went on I came to realize she is a Narcissist and somewhat mentally ill in my opinion. She would leave nasty messages and notes and verbally attack us both at times - tantrums basically. The few times she was left alone with my father she actually did him damage. I came to see her as dangerous. My resentment changed to fear and some pity. In the end I was glad to have her stay away and even considered an order of protection. Since he died, I have no contact with her by my choice. Maybe someday.

Resentment is a form of hate which I work hard at not having in my heart. I email family in a group folder I made just for mom's updates. They all have a do not delete email which outlines Mom's day to day, her meds, her likes, and dislikes, all her doctors, her meal plans, her tv shows, etc. My take on their lack of... is that life is not promised to me so should something happen to me I would want the transition to be as smooth as possible. My lawyer /will instructions that should a family member take her, they get the proceeds. Should mom be put into a nursing home, a monthly allotment is given to her for specials.. phone bill, cable, toiletries, etc.

I so agree with your response Countrymouse! When you are doing the right thing you are a window for others to see that they are not. I heard a lot of "oh, you have always been Mom's buddy so..............and you live so close to her, so..............and you don't have kids so it only makes sense, so.............. So What? Last time I checked she was still your Mother too, the Mother you profess to love so much...........so?

I will never see my siblings in the same light again. Their image which was never that good, to begin with, has been permanently altered in my mind. No, I am not a saint, by any means but at least I stepped up to the plate. And I would have done it even if I did not live close, had kids and wasn't my Mom's buddy.

You kind of put your finger on it there, Punkie. That bit about how you are accused of "trying to make" everyone else feel bad - because you're doing the right thing and they seem to have left the planet.

They feel bad. They blame you, because you're living proof that turning your back on your parents is not acceptable or normal. If only you couldn't be bothered with your mother either they'd feel so much better! And God forbid you would suggest how they could learn something, take a look at themselves and make a better job of supporting their mother without necessarily having to work too hard. No wonder they're pissed off at you :)

What's wrong with them? They want it to be okay for them not to have to get involved, they want to be excused. You're telling them different. That's what's wrong. You are correct in believing that this is their problem and not yours.

My sisters spread lies and tell everyone I will not ask. The tell everyone we will not let them come to the house or let them see my mom When we do ask they make up excuses or one sister indicates she will help but only if she does not have to give mom her meds because she does not believe she needs the medicine. I posted alzheimer organization tips for siblings who are care givers and she got mad and thought I was trying to tell everyone they will not help..what i was trying to do was help them and the world understand what it is like and how you feel all alone the post is below
Tips for Siblings that are Primary Caregivers of Alzheimers
Siblings in the role of primary caregiver face specific issues because they are often the one carrying the bulk of the care load. Other family members often have unrealistic expectations and no sense of the overwhelming responsibility that 24/7 care for a person with Alzheimer’s requires. Most difficult can be siblings who offer much advice, but little help. Here are some practical tips for primary caregivers:
1. You set/define what you can and will do. Do not allow the other siblings to define this for you. 2. Make a long list of needs. Find out what they might be willing to do to help. Try several times, but if they are not willing to help, move on. 3. Use communication logs. 4. Think about how your siblings perceive your communication. 5. Work with their strengths. 6. Consider appropriate reimbursement for services. Have a Personal Care Contract.
WHEN YOU ARE ALL ALONE
I got told I am a horrible person who doesnt deserve any help because I m trying to make everyone think they are bad people What is wrong with them

Dear kdutchess,

Thank you for your post. I too have a lot of resentment against by sibling for not helping more during my mom and dad's life. I know everyone is different. It seems to be a very common story that one sibling ends up doing most of the work.

For myself, I don't think I was very good at ever letting go of the resentment and anger. Even now after my dad has passed, I still have anger about how little time my sibling gave my dying father.

I wished I had done things differently. I should have gone for counseling, joined a support group, asked for more family meetings. Had a more honest discussion with the siblings. In the end, I should have let go of my expectations. I had to make a personal choice. If I wanted to help my dad, I had to realize I could not expect the same from my siblings and make peace with this decision.

In hindsight, I let the resentment and anger choke me. And this also affected my judgement and compassion for my father. It was a horrible mistake. It has made the grief journey even more unbearable.

It's kind of unbelievable how grown adults still hold grudges from childhood, against their sick aging parents. What can an older sick parent can do! All they r asking for is help from all their kids, rather it be phone calls, cards, emails, money etc etc. The sibling (s) who is doing the most work should always take care of themselves first: if you don't take care of you, nobody else will, therefore your parents will not be taken care of. I always take 3-4 hours at least 4 days a week for myself even if I have to pay someone to sit with my family member. I take walks, go to beach, eat, shut the door and take a good nap, or what ever I want to do, but i do something for me. As far as family, I see many siblings aren't stepping up to the plate for whatever their reasons are so you need to seek help help somewhere else, and try to find options on trying to convert everything your parents own in your name since they're not doing a darn thing, even if you need to report them to the family lawyer or SS.
Take care of yourself and Pray for them (even if you don't want to, lol but real).

I came on here..looking for answers..looking for guidance.. because I feel alone, lost, helpless.. I feel powerless. I left my mother's home yesterday hearing from her mouth how sad and depressed she feels. She retired a few months ago, and now, it's routine wakeup cook, TV, sleep in bed..
She told me she feels like ages just waiting to go. I'm trying to understand how I can help her.. the home I grew up in us overturned with toys clothing and all of my sisters items. She is 36 years old, with 2 children. She doesn't clean, she doesn't cook, she doesn't do laundry..she doesn't pay rent, electric, she contributes food stamps on occasion. ..but she does nothing. The house is a wreck. My mom doesn't have a room for her peave of mind. It's just clutter. My sister refuses to accept responsibility.. refuses to help. What's worse is that I can't talk to her. She has this volatile personality..she blows up with anger..and then ignores me with silent treatment. I wish she could understand that my mom can't live like this. Depression is setting in. She's giving up...on life. And I am in shambles feeling helpless. She now has her boyfriend come over...laying down.. a grown as man ... in my mom's living room..which is a converted toy clothing area...thanks to my sister. I feel I can't talk to her without her fighting..I just want my sister to help clean... to make a more comfortable environment for our mom, as well as her children... but after reading so many responses.. it may be pointless to even try explaining to her that our moms health and happiness areally in jeopardy.

A few seconds before my mom passed away, my sister told my mom "Dont worry mom, I promise to take care of dad!" She took her last breath and passed on. This bothers me so bad, because she lied to my mom. My sweet mom, that I loved with all my heart. It has been 1 1/2 years and she still hasn't did anything to help. So her words stick in my heart and I can't stand her and my other sisters. They don't do a dam thing to help. It doesn't even have to be a money thing, if they wanted to help him there are other needs. I once was the favorite sister of all of them, but I have grown cold to all of them.

I have 5 sisters who all agreed to help my dad after my mom died. The funniest thing is a year and half passed and I am still waiting. Not to mention, I had a close relationship with all of them, but not no more. I am completely wrecked over this!!! I do everything for my dad. It starts with helping him make phone calls to doctors, filling out medical applications, reminding him of appointments, car repairs, every month paying half the bills he can't, food... etc I could go on and on. Plus, I take care of my mom's mom. I am not looking for a medal, but come on I do everything and even the simplest things they can't help their own dad. I started giving up the battle of not caring about my sisters and focused on the true blessings in life. My dad and I are closer and God gives the strength everyday

" True colors come out when someone needs to step up to the plate. My heart is huge, I do the best for my Mom and that I can live with, them, I cannot. My advice, write them off,thats what they deserve. I used to give updates on her conditionandthen realized how easy for them, if they want update, come and see her."


OMG so well said - totally agree

I don't think you can change people. Some are givers...some aren't. Just do what you know to be right.

I have a different sort of situation. I am caring for my 88 y/o MIL. She has macular degeneration and can only see a tiny bit in her periphery. She has few medical problems but relies on me to take her wherever she needs to go. She cannot stand long due to pain in her feet. She uses a rolling walker, but still cannot motivate well. My mother died in 1983 at 54 y/o. I was 21. My dad passed in 1991. I feel put upon by my in laws and even by my husband. Every so often I'll get a Thank You and MIL says "I don't know what I'd do without you." I don't either. I take her to every Doc visit. 3AM ER visits, I'm her girl. It's not as if they live far away. Two do, but two live within 20 miles. Each time she has been in the hospital, it has been me that took off work to stay with her. I am very resentful. It seems as if they don't care, don't want to be involved or whatever. It is getting to a point where these people have to make a decision about her care. She lives alone, but that isn't going to work much longer. She has assets and they will be quickly eaten up by AL or NH. They do not really understand the seriousness of the situation. She will not willingly go to either of those places, but unless DH and I move in with her, I just don't see a solution. I work full time as a nurse and DH works full time also. I want to stay in my home as much as she wants to stay in hers. Egad, I never saw myself in this situation for sure.

OK, predictably, my sisters emailed my husband that I am the bad guy because I sent them a 'Nasty and upsetting email telling them to take their sorry excuses and put them where the sun don't shine, and that I wanted nothing to do with either one, again." They said they "understand that my husband had a hospital stay but now was just fine and recovering at home." As if my husband had been staying at a resort rather for 6 days in critical care and near coma due to his temperature fluctuating between 105 - 107, being in respiratory distress, disoriented and malnourished. As if I had overreacted to their refusal to come help us, and they were the victims of my anger. Not a single question about his condition, or why did I had needed them so badly. Not one empathetic comment. No. Just complaining about me. For days I fumed, and even drafted a response to "show them just how much my husband and I needed them and how difficult being all alone had been for both of us and Mom. Then I read in this site about how nothing I say or do will make them come around or understand, or even care. So I deleted the words I was composing.

I am grateful to have come across your kind sharing words, people! I realize that with every understanding I gain about this useless-siblings reality, the freer I feel.

Dear Gershun Give a Hug, I am so sorry that you've lost Mom. I already grieve thinking of the day when my mom will no longer be with me and I'll have no reason to go to her home...

While I feel free of my sisters' song and dance and excuses, I'm still resentful. The thing is, when I picture my life without mom I see the loss but also the rage I will continue to feel towards my sisters, because like you I can't wrap my head around them not appreciating that she gave them life, and without her they would not exist...or have their jobs, money, travel, husbands, children or grandchildren. Mom was not a perfect mom, but she did her best given the hardships in which she grew up. She gave birth to us, fed us, clothed us, educated us and taught us manners and how to conduct ourselves in a way that opened all kinds of doors to us.

My husband was always there for my sisters, giving them financial support when they asked for it, paying for my trips to their towns to visit them and share in their children's growth. When one of my sisters got divorced, he paid for her and her children's way so they could have a quiet Christmas with us, away from their painful setting. I can't grasp how they can discard him now that he has lost so much.

While cutting my sisters off made me feel free of my sister's nonsense, I still resent them for not loving my mom, husband and I. And I've read and gone to counseling about this issue, but I still have the feelings. I don't know if I could ever forgive... I do know that I prefer not to see them ever again. Other times I feel OK and at those times it is like those two turkeys don't even exist. I've forgiven wrongs before, but it took time, a lot of time for me to reach that place. So I guess maybe at some point I will forgive my sisters...at some point. For now I'll accept that I resent the living daylights out of them.

I feel some support knowing that I am not alone in these feelings, but I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive.

Hey Liam, it's been a year and a half since my dear, beloved Mom died. I still have not gotten over the insensitiveness of my siblings. I understand when you say that you feel like a bad person because of the way you feel. I totally know that feeling. And yet.......if I could wrap my head around the fact that my siblings claim that they adored my Mom and yet left almost everything up to me when her health started to decline, when we transitioned into nursing care, when she was dying. If she had been a horrible mom I might understand but she was the best mom in the world. The sweetest, kindest most loving person I have ever met.

I don't know if I will ever be able to get over this and it worries me cause I am a Christian woman and I know that forgiving people is important, not for them but for me. If you or anyone has any ideas on how to do that, please speak up.

I am so glad I stumbled upon this site and all you wonderful people! It is the first time I see candid talk about unhelpful siblings. I've been struggling with my resentment and anger towards my two sisters, and feeling alone and like I am a bad person because of the way I feel. I'm 64, retired, on a fixed income, and I am willingly caring for the two people I love most in the world; my 90-year old mom who has COPD, and my 80-year old husband who has a feeding tube because he lost his ability to swallow, hear and speak due to the cancer radiation treatment. I promised Mom I'd do everything in my power to assure her independence, safety and well-being--she still lives in her home and I come do her shopping, cleaning, hair, laundry and for R&R I do hand-quilting at her house while we visit and watch her game shows. At some point in my life I changed from being her daughter to being her peer and her friend. At home it is all about my dear man. What tears my insides is my sisters' excuses for not calling, writing, visiting, offering to come lend a hand, and their denial about just how frail Mom is, or how serious my husband's condition is. They refer to her as a duty or a burden; my husband's condition as an annoyance, since he can't go out to dinner, drink, or celebrate "properly" during the holidays. They call or Skype expecting only good news; anything else makes them cut the chat short. Recently, I had an emergency with my husband and I could not dedicate time to both my husband and mom, so I asked my sisters to please come help. Oldest sister: "I want you to let me live in peace! I have a job and no money for travel since I am paying off the mortgage faster, and I can't just fly up there every time you want me to." The other one: "I have a six week trip to Europe which I can't change because I won't get my money reimbursed. I know you can handle it all by yourself just fine." I felt such anger that I fired an email and told them to take their excuses and put them where the sun don't shine, and that I wanted nothing to do with either one, again. I felt free for the first time since starting my caregiving with Mom and hubby. No more having to deal with their "pretend love" and lame excuses. I found help from a friend of ours who was willing to spend the airfare and stay three weeks with us while my husband recovered. Between the four of us we managed rather well. My friend has left, and I feel confident that now that I am not bogged down by resentment my Mom, husband and I will do just fine. Thanks for listening, guys!

I do most of the care for my parents and I am glad to be there for them. What drives me crazy is when my siblings thank me for doing something, as though I were doing them a favor. They wouldn't have done it even if I didn't. So don't condescend me by thanking me. I don't work for them. I am trying to not resent them because my parents want nothing more then for us kids to love each other. But it is difficult as it feels like we are back in childhood with the personalities back to what they were then. The roles are still the same.

In my own personal experience, I have found that the people who do the least are the one's who complain the most or tell me what I'm doing wrong. I've learned how to let it roll off my back. It helps to lessen the stress of the already stressful job that I have caring for Mom.

It's nice to know I am not alone in this resenting-the-useless-sibling thing. My brother helped a little in the beginning, and then just disappeared. He gave me some card on my birthday (after two years of doing nothing) that he just left at my house in the middle of the night. He made apologies, and asked what he could do--but then I sent him a letter telling him how angry and sad I was, and how I had felt like I had become an only child: I told him that actions speak louder than words and gave him suggestions about what he could do to help. Never heard back. I KNEW the card with the apology was merely him trying to deal with his guilt--without actually doing anything. I had to let go. I can't even talk to him. It's very sad to feel like you've lost your siblings, as you slowly lose a parent, too. But, letting go is the only way to get past the resentment. No expectations make for no more disappointments.

dd6792, I can completely relate to how you are feeling. It is so hard to see these siblings in a completely different light than you once saw them. For me, it's the complete lack of concern for what "caregiving" is doing to me and my own family. I understand they hate their mother, but they never hated us, actually quite the opposite. Even if they want zero involvement in their mom's life, would it kill them to just thank us every so often for all the endless things we deal with on their behalf, as they merrily go about their regularly scheduled lives? Is it really that hard to reach out in a supportive way just to check on us to see if we are "hanging in there"? I once harbored so much more resentment for the non-involvement but now it's more of a feeling that they truly don't care about our well-being whatsoever. My friends show so much more concern than our actual family! It DOES feel like a death in many ways - a death of the siblings we once knew them to be. Furthermore, I did finally reach out to them and did explain why our relationship is strained without being confrontational, but of course, there has been absolutely no response. I expressed it in a way that was not "you should be doing this and that" but more of, "I feel hurt that you have shown us (the chosen ones) a complete lack of concern". Ironically, I had recently reached a level of peace regarding this, and when they contacted us that they wanted to meet, it was like a giant wound opened back up. I was so hoping to hear some apologetic words. I have now come to the conclusion that this relationship will forever be broken and very different, unless they can come to some type of understanding and compassion for everything we've been through (with zero help). Just a simple "thank you" goes a long way for the person at the wheel and it seems as though guilt or something prevents even THAT from happening. It is literally mind boggling to see how many of us here have been so greatly affected by the far reaching fallout of caregiving. I wish so much I had a great answer for both of us, but I'm thinking that what we have read over and over again "Just move on and let it go" is the ONLY solution (albeit not easy to do) :-(

Just take care of your relative. Let the rest go. If you are resentful, it is just hurting you. You can't change people, no matter how much they need to change.

I have no problem helping caring for my dad. I am sad that I lost 3 friends and siblings. They seem to only want what is best for them. They visit when it is convenient for them. I ask that they try and take dad to their home or for an outing on Sat or Sun to give my sister a break so she could spend time with her husband. I got no response.

dd6792, are the other sibs backing away and that makes you feel the lack of closeness, or do you feel that your own feelings of resentment are what makes you feel you are having to let go of the family? I'm sure that those that are uninvolved are clueless on what goes on in the minds of those that have taken on the lion's share of the burden.

I am having a difficult time letting go of a once very close tight knit family. I feel like someone died, my family.

dd6792, my thought is that there isn't really any one answer. By God's grace we can forgive; the question is how to go on from there. Thankfulness is the answer I think. I've spent a lot of time on AgingCare and am thankful that our situation (with both MIL and siblings) isn't as bad as some out there. Also thankful that my MIL has us, because with other very non-involved siblings, we are literally her salvation. If we see it as our mission, as serving and honoring our parent(s), then that gives much grace. If you'll read very much on this site, you'll see that its the rule rather than the exception for most of the parental care to fall to one (or two) siblings. The sooner you accept things and try to serve with gladness and love, the easier it will be for you. I'm thankful in your case to see that other sibs do actually visit occasionally. The main rub is that when we make the decision to be involved in care, it no longer becomes a choice but an obligation. For the other sibs, amount or option for involvement will always be their choice as they go on with their lives. For every step forward we make in care, other sibs seem to take two steps back. We just have to accept that. I'm still "finding peace."

My sister and I care for my aging father. Our three other siblings wanted him to go into assisted living. Dad did not want that, so he lives with my sister and I help her out. The other three siblings visit occasionally when it is convenient for them. I am dealing with trying to forgive them for what they are doing. I am struggling with this and praying about this. Any suggestions?