What should I do about the younger woman my father is giving money too?

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My father is 76yrs old and an alcoholic, he is married and living with my mother who is 75 yrs old. This year in February he passed out over someone's house and they called an ambulance for him. He was put in the hospital and treated for dehydration and was diagnosed with a weak heart. He was also given something to help him not go through withdrawals from alcohol. I took him home from the hospital and he stopped drinking for close to 6 months and started back where he left off. Well since then he has passed out 2 more times in the month of august alone. And each time I have to go to the emergency room to get him. I get upset that I have to get out of bed at 3am to pick him up from the hospital when it is his fault for drinking. It seems the passing out only happens when he goes over the neighbors house. The neighbor has a 35 yr old daughter that has been getting money from my father when he is drunk. He doesn't realize how much he has given her because he was drunk. When he gets sober he realizes his money isn't in the checking account. This is the 2nd time it has happened. My mom has told the 35 yr old woman not to call her home. But the woman does it anyway. I have asked my father to stop the shenanigans to no avail. As a matter of fact, she just moved down the street from my parents. I am the only child, I am 50 yrs old and I am in the middle of a mess. I feel that I am responsible for them both. I believe my father thinks this 35 yr old woman is attracted to him, when all she wants is his money. I want to help my mother have a happy retirement and not go through this crap with this trash. This woman has children and a boyfriend. Lately, it seems my father is having problems with his checking account and paying their bills. Truly, the only reason I am involved in my parents business is because when anything happens to them, they call me. There is no one else to call.This outsider is making my life a living hell !!! I mean it was already bad enough with my father getting drunk everyday at home. But now he is being taken over other people houses, giving away money and passing out. He doesn't remember what happened because he was drunk. I mean, staggering can't walk drunk. Now he is accusing my mom and I of getting his money and we don't have access to his accounts. I don't know what to do?

Answers 1 to 7 of 7
Top Answer
wow - so sorry. No expert here but it seems like you either have to remove yourself and perhaps your mom completely from this situation, or get a POA and/or conservatorship to take over your dads finances. You might also contact Adult Protective Services thru your local DFCS. They may have some ideas for dealing with the money-grubbing neighbor.
Marlena, What a nightmare :( My heart goes out to you. Maybe when your father is sober you can help him find out how he is doing this to himself. If you and your Mother don't have access to his accounts then I would suggest your Mother get on all the accounts for her own protection. If he ends up in the hospital again how will your Mother get by if she isn't on their accounts? I don't want to tell you what I would do because It might not be the best. The only thing I will suggest is that you go see a Lawyer to find out if there is anything you can do legally to protect your Mother. It's interesting that your father quit drinking for 6 mos. then started again. If he is not willing to seek help it will be a matter of time before he is back in the hospital. I hope others can give you more advice.
I know that what is going on is my fathers fault. I did call and report possible elder abuse. However, the contact person I spoke with made me aware that it is truly up to my father to stop what is going on. Because he goes off with her of his own free will. He has warned me to stay out of his business and he can treat my mom like this. My mom tells me she feels threatened and can not do anything about what is going on. When I need help financially my father helps me out. I have not needed any help lately, but he has indicated that if i don't butt out he will not help me when I need it. I am responsible for taking them to the doctor , grocery shopping and cleaning their home. In other words I am the one they rely on for everyday concerns. I am ready to throw in the towel and give up. I want my mom to throw my Dad out of her house. Let him go live with this 35 yr old woman, her children and boyfriend. Let her take care of him, he is already paying her. She has one more time to call my moms house asking to speak to my father. I am seriously considering doing something to her to make her pay attention to her own family.
Legally, if your father is deemed competent and aware of his surroundings (at least when he is sober) there is not much the system can do for you. I am so sorry that he has so little respect for both you and your Mom. The real problem is his drinking and what happens because of it. Until he gets help for that there is no hope that he will stop these destructive behaviors.
However, I would get in touch with an Alcoholics Annon. group in your area and see if they can offer you some concrete suggestions...if nothing else, it may help you deal with the situation.
I fear that you getting involved in your parent's dysfunction, without any outside help, will end badly. Your father's utlimatum is unfair - you are providing services for them. You could cut him off but your Mom would suffer. Stop being the unpaid errand person and hire some in-home help for them through a reputable agency.
Make sure your Mom is safe and well cared for. She is also in the middle of this and unless she is willing to make changes between the two of them, you are fighting an uphill battle.
As far as his finances go, do you have their POA? If so, you can ask the bank to put a limit on withdrawals or put a password on the account. If it is a joint account your mother can withdraw funds before he goes to visit his "girlfriend." (btw, do not confront the "girlfriend" or her family - could be dangerous)
My biggest concern would be providing for your mother's future.
What a shame that your father is throwing away everything just to re-live his youth.
good luck
Marlena, I am seriously concerned about your last statement ...

"I am seriously considering doing something to her to make her pay attention to her own family."

I understand your pain. Based your comment above it tells me that you have lost control over your own emotions and this could lead you into doing something that could only make matters worse for you and your Mom and Dad. I know you are reaching out for help by coming here and that is good. However the suggestion made to contact AA for an Alanon group near you would be the next step. This is a group that is experiencing the same types of problems as you. I strongly urge you to do this. There you can get the direct support you need, meet others who can give you more direct answers, learn from others mistakes so you don't make the same ones but most importantly you will find understanding and support that will help you get a handle on your emotions. I know you love your Mother and want to do what is right for her. It is only natural to want to take control and fix this problem and it is very frustrating for you to feel helpless but before you do more harm you need to first get control of yourself and then you will be in a better place to make decisions that will help the situation. Once you have done this you will find the right way to deal with all the steps you can take to handle all the decisions about what you should and shouldn't do. Please listen. Much love to you.

Dad definitely needs an intervention, but I suggest you talk to him when he's relatively sober. And while you're at it, see if you can squeeze the whole name of that bloodsucker down the street out of him so you can file a police report and get an order of protection against her. POA would be nice; so would a court-mandated rehab.

... And for the love of cheese and crackers, don't do anything stupid that will get you arrested. For now the only thing standing between Dad and the rest of his money is you.

Thank you all for your responses. I was kind of angry over this grief that I am going through. I believe I will take your advice and get my mom and go to an Alanon meeting. I have a grip now and decided to step back and let the chips fall where they may. I am glad i was able to reach out to you guys. You all make sense to me. Thanks for your answers and concern for my well being. I have never confronted anyone about this situation with my father. As I have known, he is a grown man and this is his life not mine. His marriage, not mine. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

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