Mom just talks about what she wants and I find myself getting shorter and shorter with her because she does not listen. How can I deal with this?

When you talk to your mom next time and she just jumps right in and starts talking again, ask her if she heard what you just said. If she says yes, then say 'what did I say mom?'. Maybe with a little stopping and making her repeat what you said, she'll be less prone to run you over with her chatter. Also, if she's living alone then she doesn't have anyone to talk to so it gets pent up and has to come out somewhere. Can you suggest she try a senior center or volunteer somewhere where she can talk on a regular basis? I don't know how bad off she is, so you'll have to decide about that one. I do know when a person gets old, they become consumed with their own thing. Just like children that think the world should revolve around them. I see the same thing with my mother-in-law. Everything pertains to her somehow.

My mother is just the same. At first I thought it was just the hearing problem, but once she got the hearing aid (lonnnnnng story haha), I realized that she has this fantastic knack of hearing only what she wants & talking over the rest. She sees my lips moving, but she just keeps right on talking. Problem is, it's all negative. When I told her she was negative, she heard THAT and pounced back at me with "no one ELSE thinks so". I told her they did, but I was the only one TELLING her. So there i was .. the bad one again. Not sure if your mom is a complainer, but if it's simply the problem of her not listening, make sure she is looking directly at you when you talk to her.. she may be reading lips. My mother did it for years to hide her hearing loss. It's just a suggestion, but if you get her to focus on your face while you talk, it might help. I sure do know the frustration of having someone talk AT you instead of WITH you. I call it "selective" hearing. good luck :)

Hi theyoungest! I'm the youngest also and the only one with any sense of responsibility so my mom lives with my husband and me. At 91, its more like raising a teenager with developmental disabilities. Also, like yours, my mother seems to believe that she is the center of the universe. It's very important for her to let me know that her toenails seems crooked, that she's constipated, has urine leakage, etc. It comes with the territory.

Again, like your mother, mine does not listen to anyone else in any significant way. She doesn't even pretend to be listening. In fact, often she has asked me a question and as I'm trying to answer her she talks right over me about something else. It used to annoy the hell out of me, but now I don't take it personally. It's not my problem if she has zero attention span or that her world has been narrowed down to just her. Sometimes, when she starts talking over me I'll say something ridiculous just to see if anything registers. One time I said "and then the space man pulled down his pants and showed me his ray gun". Ten minutes later she asked me if I said something about pulling down my pants!

You can't take it personally. It's part of getting old for her and part of being patient for you. Someone's personality flaw is not your responsibility and at her age, you aren't going to change her.

What really annoys me? Is that my sister is the same way and she is no where near old age yet but she has no clue that talking about herself non stop is not considered conversation. Still, not my problem. I have real, adult conversational interaction with people who have more to say!!

Hang in there, youngest. Dealing with your elderly parent is not easy but i'm sure dealing with us for the first 18 years of our lives was no picnic for them, either!

I would suggest that you start asking your mother questions that have nothing to do with daily life (avoid conversations about weather, health, or what she ate for breakfast). Ask her questions from her past--things that you might actually want to know. What was her neighborhood like when she was little? Ask her to tell you about HER memories of her grandmother or grandfather. What's her favorite memory of a date? What was her first job like? If she's going to be a chatterbox, see if it can actually help you learn something about her life before you were born and learn more about your family history in the process. Reminiscence is a healthy thing for older adults to be doing--this could open a whole new world of things for her to think about. Maybe involve your children in the process of gathering her life stories.

Thank you all so much for your responses. I am new to this site, but will now visit on a regular basis. Sometimes it feels like I am alone with this problem. It is nice to know I am not.

WITH A LOT OF PATIENCE!!!!!

About a year ago someone was complaining that when they visited their mother in the NH (or AL?) the conversations were one-sided and not very rewarding.

One of the respondents pointed out that "you are not really going there for YOUR benefit."

So I think that even though you would like it to be different, you have to reframe your expectations in terms of the fact that you are going to visit FOR your mother, and that one-sided conversation is all she can do these days. Find a way to go with the flow instead of fighting it.

Maybe make it a game and give yourself points for not "getting short", as you say..

Personally, when my 105 yo grandmother begins a one-sided story that I've heard 100 times already, I sometimes have to put my hands behind my back and mentally dig shards of glass into my palm. It's that bad. But at least it works. Sometimes.

Dear Youngest,
I have experienced your pain! My parents moved close to me so that I could help them. I had 5 small children and my parents were constantly calling me for advice, and wanting visits, etc. I got to the point you are at where I didn't even want to answer the phone let alone go over (and they lived down the street).
However, looking back now, that was the beginning of my dad's dymensia. They were lonely and overwhelmed with the day by day tasks that we take for granted. My advice is to listen attentively, understanding her loneliness and especially visit her regularly. Be patient, I promise that you will be glad you did!
My husbands aunt was hilarious, everytime he would call her, the minute he told her who he was she would go on for a good 15 to 20 minutes without my husband being able to say a word and then she would all of a sudden say thanks for calling and then hang up. It was definately a one sided conversation. Hang in there, you are not alone! I am the youngest of 6 children and I am still taking care of my 96 year old mom in my home with three children still at home. My father passed away from alzheimers 9 months ago. Go being the youngest!...We know how to get the job done! Stay strong!

I find that everything that ever irritated me about my mother
irritates me more now because she does them more the older
she gets. Like many people her age, she is retreating into
her second childhood and becoming as self-centered as
any two-year old. I find that it helps if I remind myself that
she is a small child rather than "my mother", as I am
more tolerant of children. But it often becomes too hard
for me to stand, and then I make some excuse to step away
for ten minutes or so : "I need to pee", "My leg is getting
a cramp, I need to walk it off".
My mother's doctor recently prescribed Namenda
for her to help with her mild memory problems. It didn't
help her memory (which she worries about) but it did seem
to make her calmer, more flexible and more open to
suggestions - ie easier to get along with. It isn't
for everyone (check for side-effects) and it doesn't
always work. But if her doctor thinks it might help
her and thinks it is safe, then it might help both of
you. But remember that all medicines carry
unknown risks, and sometime it is safer to just
take a long walk to restore your personal tranquillity.

Dear Youngest,
Like so many people, I understand your feelings. My mother does the same thing with me. I have tried to use the time I devote to her phone calls so that I do some things that matter to me while I listen. So, I knit while I listen to her, do my nails, and usually avoid putting a great deal of energy into answers unless I think she truly needs my help.If the issue at hand seems to be something that is not vital, I often ask her what she thinks she should do. I have also started telling her some of my concerns , and she really seems to get involved (sometimes). I think my mom is truly lonely. My Dad was her sounding board; she misses him even if I don't think he really listened all of the time. The other night I was so frustrated with hearing her repeat herself over and over again. When I hung up, I realized that I will truly miss her when she is not here to tell me minute details to every issue. I have probably not helped at all, but I know that everyone I talk to becomes frustrated with caregiving but treasures the memories in the end. Also, learning to knit has helped me to make my son some great items. (even if he probably gives them to someone else : } ) Take care and please stay in touch with us. RLP

I am not the youngest, I am the only one. My mom 84 has lived with me during the winter for 17 years. This year she will start being with me 24/7. I too am short with her after being questioned over and over with the same questions. Some days my nerves feel like they are on the outside of my body instead of being inside. I try to take time to meditate and pray. Walking seems to be a good idea too. I think you have to stop and walk away for a bit to regroup mentally. With my mom when the weather is good and she can walk we go shopping and then she pushes a cart. She gets tired out and her questions stop for a while. What I'm trying to say is you have to take them for a outing, and when you get short you have to go out for a while! I know I have to be in control now, sort of the leader of the band and the band memebers are not always going to be real happy but we all have to give and take. This is a great site to listen and learn and I wish everyone good luck!

Dear Youngest, I am sure this seems like a huge issue with you but to me, your Mom doesnt even live with you and its just beginning. If you are "short" with her now, just wait until she is incontinent and agressive and accusses you of stealing, if that should start. I would just make pretend you are so interested in everything she has to say, make her feel important, you are her whole life. When I found myself getting stressed with my Mom whom I take care of, I read this over again and I have never been short with her since...
Author Unknown
Please don’t try and make me Remember…
Don’t try and make me Understand…
Just let me Rest and know you’re with Me…
Kiss my Cheek and Hold my Hand

I’m Confused beyond your concept…
I am Sad and Sick and Lost…
All I know is that I need You…
To be with me at all cost.

Don’t lose your patience with Me…
Please don’t Scold, or Curse, or Cry….
I can’t help the way I am Acting…
Although I will try.

Just Remember that I need You…
And the Best of me is Gone…
Please just stay beside me…
Until my Life is Done.

i am in the same boat with my dad. The only difference is when he does want to hear the conversation i have to repeat my comment 2-3 times and even then he may not hear it or comprehend it. I I too get short and then you get to live with the guilt associated with that. I then find myself not wanting to talk to him at all because all it does is frusterate me and make me crazy. This care taking is a emotional roller coaster and some days I just want to get off the ride because it has made me sick. I too would like to hear what others might suggest as well i want you to know you are not alone in the way you feel.

Dear Youngest,
I totally understand where you are coming from. And I thought raising a rebellious teenager was hard! My dad is in a nursing home with multiple health problems, yet after talking to my mom I only hear about how it is all affecting her. She is totally self centered, won't listen to anything or take suggestions from anyone , including friends who have been through this before.
All she talks about is how her whole world is turned upside down - and it is. I was trying to help her out by giving her suggestions about what to do or how to deal with things, but she doesn't listen at all! Finally I realized that I can't do anything to change her but I don't have to react to everything she says. Right now I do feel some distance from her but I don't have to see her everyday anyway. All I can say to you is you are not alone, this is so hard to deal with and your mother's happiness is not your responsibility. Wishing you well,
Linda

Hi Youngest - I feel for you! I am an only child looking after a 65 year old dad who has literally no one else in this world - a self imposed hermit. He has a variety of very serious health problems, is bed bound, and also has selective hearing and I too repeat many things to him. He is consumed by his own misery but has done very little to help himself, even before things were this serious. I find it truly amazing as to how he can remember what he wants at the drop of a hat, versus things that would certainly help him but require some kind of effort on his part, which I find myself repeating. It is really a challenge at times and patience is not infinite. For him this has not occurred as a result of aging either; he has been this way his whole life and only now it is getting worse. When the whining, complaining, lying, and dumping on me get to be too much, I once in a while have to bring him back to reality. I had to do this recently. It involved alot of screaming on my part just to get through to him. Several times. But he gets it, for now. I told him that he has all of the control - either he lets me help him and quit sabotoging everything I do, or he can find another daughter to look out for him because I am through. Almost an intervention so to speak. If he wants to "drown", refusing all of the "life preservers" I constantly throw to him, fine, then he can do it - but I will not watch. All of a sudden, he has come around to the party (for now) and understands. We are all human and can only be pushed so far. (Especially since he gotten very little trouble from me when I was a teen - as a child of divorce, I was not a drinker, a smoker, a druggie, or was out of control as many often become, and I struggled to do my very best in school. I feel like I get the punishment without committing the sin. I understand about his physical problems and my issue is TOTALLY not that - it is his mouth which he WILL not control and has helped him get divorced 3 times.
I think that many people here contributed some good (and clever!) ideas. Don't beat yourself up. When we were children, our parents sometimes had to tell us "no". It is no different now.

Live with my sister in law and brother, my sister in law has Parkinson for
20 years now, and she has demetia, she always been spoiled and go
her way, she always came first, I try to stop her from cooking and
running out the door, she scared me, she will not listen to me

Hi youngest, hope things are okay. Seriously, just listen and agree, it's your mom and she cannot help it. My mom used to repeat the same things over and over and now she can't barely speak and just says certain words we can understand. You will miss that some day so take a step back and relax, just love her all up.
Best to you!

I know, I will say something and next thing is taking me to the bathroom. Like she does not care what you are saying, it is all about her. I think this is very common for the elderly when they internalizing all the time. Patience is what I hope to achieve, do not know if I will find it, keep taking deep breaths!

My mother is always asking me for advice and she does listen, but then ignores my recommendations and either does it her own way or wants different additional advice that will suit her needs and wants. She is not interested in my opinions just interested in me telling her what she wants to hear. Why ask???

My 74 year old has always been interesting to talk to until a year ago. He calls more than once a day now and he talks about some of the same things over and over again in detail such as how he is putting down a new floor and tells all the different ways the corner looks or details about size of nails he's using, length in inches of a board he has cut, what he may do, has done or has not done, and usually talks an hour or more. I have to interrupt him just to respond with a yes or no and the begins the chatter talk again. Completely a one sided conversation. I don't know what is going on with him. The next day he may begin the same conversation with I know I may have told you this but.... or start a new subject with constant rapid talking about more insignificant details about TV program or movie he has seen and then go into similar details about similar movies he has seen, has not seen and often doesn't even make sense. Totally one sided conversations as if I am not even there. What''s going on with him?

Ooooh I have a black belt in this :) I don't ever remember a time when my Mom listened, it has always been about her. Since I can remember, when people asked me how she was doing I would say "oh you know, dying and going broke, nothing new". I have been saying that for decades.

It's awfully hard to be around such self focus and negativity and I've lost it on my Mom plenty over the years but I hate when I get like that. It never helps AND I feel guilty.

One thing I found to make it easier is to have zero expectations that I am going to get anything out of a conversation with her. I tell myself there are other people in my life to fill that need. So when we talk I remind myself that nothing has changed.

Mom and Dad are still living on their own so I don't call unless I feel up to listening to the same tired old stuff. Once in a while we do end up having a fun or positive conversation and I just try and enjoy it without getting my hopes up.

I know you live with your Mom and that makes it all the harder. Is there a room you can go into and shut the door when you need respite? Or maybe get out of the house? I wish you much luck and hope you find relief.

I think that one of most difficult aspects of caregiving is that whatever mutuality previously existed in the relationship seems to disappear just when you need it most, when so much is being demanded of you and you need reasons to sustain your involvement and investment. If the care recipient would be caring and interested, if they would invest themselves emotionally in the care recipient, it would be so much easier and more rewarding for the caregiver to keep investing so much time and energy in them.

I'm in the same position. My mother and I used to be good buddies (which was why I became the designated caregiver out of 7 adult children), but that is a thing of the past. Now it's all about her. Mom didn't even remember my birthday this past year. I mean, just totally forgot, and I was practically living with her at the time, and no she doesn't have dementia . As my friend and confidante, Mom knew about all the plans and goals I had for my retirement, but she thinks nothing of expecting me to sacrifice all of it to make her senior years as easy and comfortable as possible for her. And of course all the conversation is about her - her medical issues, her schedule, her home maintenance needs, whatever she wants me involved with and helping with. It's like if they allow themselves to remember that you're a separate person with your own issues and feelings, they'd feel too bad about everything they're asking you to sacrifice for them, so they just don't think of it. It bites. I wish I had some helpful advice, but I really don't. It just really bites.

wow I could have wrote this. But my mom lives with me ( for now ) . But its nothing new. she turns EVERY SINGLE conversation into about her. Even if were talking about dog poop. Its HARD not having a real mother to discuss things with. I have learnt the last year though that she's not going to change and in a way I have already mourned the loss of my mother even though she's alive and living n my house. I didn't realize until last year that I have NEVER been able to talk to my mom without her turning it into about her.

Carla, what makes you think your mom does not have dementia? That kind of loss of empathy and perspective taking is a very common symptom of it, particularly the non-Alzheimer's types where memory of familiar people and long term memory is relatively intact. My mom had vascular dementia, and I remember what a shock it was when she forgot my birthday for the first time - but at that point we knew the diagnosis. And, she only forgot it one more time or maybe two, because she passed on.

But more than that, don't let her current condition, whatever it is or isn't run your life into the ground or ruin your perspective. Make good decisions for her and for you...I suspect she can't do that any more, and she needs you to do it and will come to need it more and more. Build trust as much as you can. Find ways to show her that her needs will be met while you go ahead with Plan A, or maybe a modified Plan A, but NOT Plan B, if Plan B is you give up everything and devote 110% of available resources to her every whim.

I also have a mother whose motto is "It's all about me". Forget listening, and even less, taking advice. To make matters worse, she still wants all my attention and care when I also have to care for my husband with dementia in another city. And she wants me to take in my mentally ill brother with us when she passes. There is no way I can handle them all.

Not only is my mother so self absorbed, (can't remember the last time she asked how I was doing) and such a chronic complainer, she is always criticizing and accusing me and everybody else. Never herself. If the weather is bad, it is my fault. She has accused me of things that are impossible for me to have done. I was also getting short and downright ugly with her.

She is so difficult to be with that people cannot believe that we are related. And I have had to call places (i.e. doctor's offices) to apologize for her behavior and ask the doctor not to scold the receptionist, nurse, tech, etc. who she is accusing of so negligence, or incompetence . Nobody wants to see her coming and doors are closed to her even by my siblings.

So, how do I handle her? (many times I wish I drank or did drugs!!) I basically ignore her. I NEVER respond to her accusations or complaints. I just usually say, "uh huh", "wow", "gosh", etc. I NEVER try to solve her problems, nor side with her against another person, or try to help her see the other person's point of view.

It has taken me a lifetime to learn that with my mother's personality disorder, there is no communicating with that type of person. There is no meaningful interaction. Only frustration. So I decided to stop being frustrated and angry. I love my mother, but I don't like her. We are related, but not friends. I keep my companionship and physical visits very limited. Mostly talk on the phone. I can handle 5 minutes of that.

If I let her get more into my life and my head, I lose. I just try to love her from a distance. That is best for me. That way, I can be sane for my husband who drives me insane in his own way.

I feel guilty as heck, but for my sanity and my husband's care, I have to keep my distance from the person who bleeds me dry if I let her. I got good advice from my pastor who reminded me and confirmed for me that my husband is my first and most important priority. I can and should help my mother whenever possible, so I send money for her to get what she wants or needs. I don't do it personally if I can find another way to get her needs met.

I wish you the best.

My mother is 85 years old and I love her to bits. However, you can't ask a straight yes or no answer question without getting a running commentary of every single aspect (in detail) of her entire day, from the moment she woke up, to what coloured socks she donned, to what she ate for breakfast and lunch, who visited, what they talked about, newspaper articles, when she did the laundry, and on baking day (ugggh baking day), she does a low-down on every single ingredient she used in her recipe (which I have heard a thousand times before that it is now embedded permanently in my brain). Driving me nuts!

I could copy and paste almost all of these comments! I am youngest also, my older siblings are far away and estranged, my mother in her seventies is alone and lonely and but wont stop talking about everyone she does stuff with and also fixates on her childhood. Sitting in a waiting room, driving, dining out are all hell with her! And whenever she asks for help she consequently treats me like an idiot. Her dramatics and narcissism just keep notching up. And then she wonders why my kids dont want to visit! It makes me want to tear my hair out but I try to grit my teeth and bear it, she will never change. I try to laugh about it too, and sometimes just cry it out. Hugs to you all...

Finding this site has been very refreshing for I am dealing with an aging Father with hearing loss that refuses to acknowledge it and kind of expects other to conform to him. He likes to talk but has a hard time listening and then just cuts off the conversation. My Mom has passed from stage four Parkinsons, she was always the buffer between my Father and I. My brother lives in the same city but barely visits him for they never really got along. I live one State away but for my Dad that is too far yet has never invited me for a visit. He is in his own little bubble and I feel bad for him but after reading some of these posts I realize I cannot change him. When we do speak on the phone it is either about the weather or something about him, so different from the relationship I had with my Mom so sometimes I feel so down that him and I do not really have a connection. Or communication consists of the weather and only the weather sometimes it is very deflating so I find myself not wanting to reach out to him at all then I feel guilty, I double edged sword:).

Non-stop talking on the part of older people is typical of the aging process. As our brains age, we all have problems with processing others' speech, but no problem expressing our own "perservations" that have been running through our heads all day. "Active listening"---really paying attention and being able to repeat and interpret what someone else has said---eventually becomes impossible for most elderly people. Reading up on these problems on credible websites may help you help your elderly loved ones reduce their constant chatter. There is also no rule against telling them you need quiet time for a while!

This is not uncommon with aging, fear, and loss of control. The person may not even talk about him-or herself, but just need to talk. My mother has been losing weight and I will make her food and sit with her. She talks and talks about the neighbor's cat or whatever comes to mind. I told her once to stop talking so she could eat, and she said, "OK, then you talk." It turns out she just wanted the conversation to continue; is uncomfortable with the quiet.
Aging people lose their hearing, their partners, their health, their independence, their work place, their friends, their mental faculties, and eventually push their own families away as the families become frustrated with their aging loved one who is waiting for the Big Unknown. It has to be the loneliest time in a person's life. Remember the conversation is not for you, it is for the person you are with. Guide the conversation if you must; even if it is an abrupt topic change. Be sure you get the information you need, and then ask them leading questions - how are they feeling health-wise? Any appointments coming up? Anything that worries or frightens them? Who have they been seeing for company and when is that person's next visit? You could learn some things in the process of guiding the conversation.
Think about possible ways to engage them with an activity that will distract them - a walk (push the wheelchair if you have to), shopping, volunteering, board game, music, looking at photo albums, something focused. This person is very aware the visit you are having may be your last and that fear and urgency can be quite motivating to speak. My parents love to talk about the family tree and be sure their kids know who everyone is.
You never know when these conversations will be silenced forever. Listen while you can and know that you are boosting your companion more than you know. Hopefully someday someone will do the same for you.