My mother is struggling with dementia and keeps fighting with the aides in the nursing home. What can I do to get my mother to stop?

Forget the logic at this point DJ, that part is over. She probably can't remember much these days right? So forget thinking she's going to remember NOT to fight. Take courage though, the people who work in these places have seen it all. Maybe that's where you should be focusing. Tell the people that take care of your mom on a regular basis how appreciative you are of what they're doing. Acknowledge that you know your mom is combative and that you'd probably be pulling your hair out if you were in their shoes. You'd be surprised how far a kind word and the validation of what they're doing on a daily basis will go. And a plate of cookies every once in a while won't hurt either. Sorry about your mom.

I am a Certified Nurses Aide who works with the Elderly in a nursing home. Not that it is relevant but I am a male caregiver.

The above posters are correct we see this behavior all the time and have come to expect that some of the residents that we care for are combative.

You say in your post that your Mom has only been in the home for 3 weeks. She is still new and adjusting to the environment. She is out of her element and comfort zone which is probably one reason she is combative. She has individuals that are caring for her that she does not know yet. With time she may adjust and become more cooperative with her care givers. But she may remain combative.

Also understand that the combativeness may be part of her disease process as well.

There are some things as a caregiver that I have found to be helpful with combative residents. The care givers need to slow down when they give care and not rush. Take things one step at a time. Also they need to talk to her the entire time in a normal voice and tell her exactly what they are doing each step of the way.

As a care giver I do not like to have Ativan administered to a resident that I am caring for. I know that it will help relieve her anxiety but if by the way I provide care can not be so upsetting to her then we can save the Ativan for when she actually needs it.

I wish you and your mother all the best.

Oops, must have punched the wrong key. Hey!!! At least you have the dimentia to blame for your mother's behavior, that can be understood and forgiven. My mom (just turned 94) does not have (diagnosed) dimentia, but I hate taking her to her appointments because she acts like she is Queen Elizabeth or Joan Crawford or Miranda Priestly or something. She is impatient, insulting and rude if she is made to wait or if something involved with paperwork or human imperfection does not go to her favor. Even if they ask her birthdate too often or the spelling of her name (they have to as a form of securtity) she gets rude. I hate to take her anywhere. There is no excuse except for her own self-pity which she will not even try to overcome and cooperate. Yet to others she acts like a classic cookie-baking grandma.

I expressed some frustration over some of the above issues with my mother at her Rehab/Conv. and the charge nurse came up with some wonderful ideas!

1) She suggested that some members of the staff and I would meet with mom and explain that she is in the best possible place she can be now. Mom broke her back so is in a wheelchair, so has an alarm just in the middle of her shoulder blades that she is not able to reach. She has a bed alarm so she doesn't forget and try to get up by herself. She also has a roommate Doris who "tattles" if she sees my mother trying to do things w/o assistance (which she is prone to do).

2) The charge nurse at mom's Vacaville, CA Conv./Rehab also suggested that we purchase a binder with a letter assuring my mom that we love her and want the best for her. It also mentions the talk we had with the staff at our meeting about the family members and staff feeling that this is the best possible scenario for my mother at this time. At the end of August the letter states that my mom will be re-evaluated. The charge nurse makes an effort to include the rest of the staff so we are on the same page as far as what we say to my mother. The charge nurse has a copy of my letter so she can refer to it and can also show my mother the binder. Also included in the binder: a couple of pages with her favorite pictures, and an "update letter" for her relatives and friends again stating that my mother is in the best possible place at this time of her life and giving the phone number where they can reach her. Today I had a Pedicure lady come to mom's facility to take care of her toes. My mom was pleasant during our visit, but when we returned to her room, my mother's belongings were on her bed and she said she was ready to go home NOW. I needed to be firm & pleasant with her; to disengage from the conversation and redirect it. I gave her a hug, a kiss, some of her fav magazines and the homemade chocolate chip cookies I brought to her. I told her I loved her and would see her on Sunday. I used to "go through it emotionally when I needed to do this"--now, as I see that there is no other option--it makes it easier. If you can find staff that are willing to support you and are behind you and can encourage you and give their input--you are a blessed person! I need to remind myself that my mother is cognitively impaired. Unless a miracle happens she will always be that way, and she may worsen as the days go by... We take each day at a time and I try to make the most of every opportunity. Hats off to you who has a heart to do the best for your mother--hang in there:! I hope the above helps you.

If mom has dementia...honey, it's not going to stick in her brain! Hopefully, she's in a place, where the professionals there know how to deal with this...that's one of the reasons she's there!

Naheaton is right. This places sees a little bit of everything and do understand how to deal with your mom.

If she is anything like my mom she would forget in a minute or less what she just did. So there is really no use in trying to discourage her behavior. How much is she really going to understand the point your making?
Just be appreciative towards the workers, that let them know you understand.

You said that the doctor is giving her Ativan and she was sleeping all the time. My mom did take .5mg and it did nothing. She moved up to 1mg and was droggy until her body got used to it. Now when she takes it, she is just mellow, more alert and naps off and on but is easily awakened at meal times. Ativan helped alot with moms anxiety. But everyone is different with meds. See how the .5mg affects your mom, maybe Ativan is just not right for her.

Don't beat yourself up about your moms actions! Your mom just doesn't understand. Since she has only been there a few weeks she is most likely confussed with changes happening. Give it sometime she should calm down when she gets used to her new surroundings.

I hope a suitable medication at a suitable dose is worked out soon.

The others are correct: there is no point in trying to talk Mon into behaving differently.

Sometimes the NH staff can make matters worse, without meaning to, of course. Just as an example, one of my local caregivers' group happened to be in the room when an aid came in to give her mother a bed bath. The first thing she did was wash the mother's genital area. If you were semi-out of it and confused about your surroundings and some strange came in and grabbed at your crotch with no warning, you might feel combative, too! A little retraining was in order here, including introducing yourself, explaining what you are going to be doing, stroking gently and telling the resident exact what you are going to do next, etc.

I am very glad that you are happy with the NH. It may be that the staff isn't doing anything to alarm your mother. But keep your eyes open for anything that might set her off. The aid in the example knew the resident didn't like baths so she was just trying to get it over with fast and get out. No unkind intentions. But sometimes small details can make a big difference to someone with dementia.

Sometimes I am at the nursing home when aides are helping my mother to get out of bed, or back in bed and hear her telling the aides, "No, no," or telling them to stop the foolishness that they are doing when they try to adjust her position in her wheelchair. When that happens, I keep speaking softly letting my mother know that she's ok, and that the aides are just helping her, that they always look out for her, and how nice they are to her. It may not help much, but yours is a voice that can be reassuring to your mother when she is going through such changes. Other than that, as everyone has said, if that is your mother's disposition right now, there is nothing you can really do to change it. Keep praising those who help her while you are in her presence if they are truly being caring and helpful to your Mom. If they are too rough or too quick, politely let them know that you think that if they slow down a little and talk to her a little more, they will help to ease your mother's anxiety.

I live in a different state from my Mother's nursing home. My sister lives near her. I call her every day and tell her silly stuff to keep her laughing while on the phone. She has been diagnosed with dementia and is LOUDLY and PHYSICALLY abusive to the staff at the care center. The ridiculous stories that I mostly make up....about her great-grandchildren, myself, my spouse, my friends, etc., give her something to laugh about when we are on the phone or I am visiting, but the inevitable fact that she is 93 years old and going downhill daily is ever present. The staff is superb, and I tell them that constantly. She also takes Ativan, but I don't know the strength. I never ask her questions to test her memory--instead I phrase my sentences to GIVE her the information regarding the story that I'm making up and constantly pretend that I do not remember things. She enjoys our visits, but the quality of our phone calls is decreasing. Her sleeping time has increased so much that it is difficult to find her alert enough to speak (or just listen) on the phone.

Bakpakr thank you for your insight. Our family is in the process of deciding to take my mother-in-law to a Home soon or to an Assisted Living Facility. The information you provided is very helpful for both of those facilities. It is true that one of the most helpful things to do to get the patient's cooperation is to go slowly and speak with a friendly tone. My mother-in-law always gets a bit combative when its time for showering, eating or sleeping but I just have to go very slowly and talk to her with a soft voice. Sometimes, I just leave her alone for a few minutes and try again. I notice that sometimes the nurse aide, that comes to take care of her a few times a week, arrives in a rush and tries to rush her to take a bath and boy she really gets annoyed and combative! Sometimes I have to tell the aide to stop and I convince her myself to take a bath. The best ingredient is patience and calmness. A patient with dementia or Alzheimer (depending on the stage they are in) has no control of their behavior nor do they remember their actions. We just have to help them get trough this until the end.