What do I do if my mother wants to move in with me, not because she would be happy, but because I would take care of her?

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help.... I've been caught between a rock and a hard place. My mother sold her home to move out of the town we live in because she hated it so much. Now moved back because she couldn't take it down there. Now wants to move in with me and my family because shes close to not being able to care for herself. I would be sacrificing alot to have her move in even though it would be better for her. Her Anxiety is soooooo bad that she can't even hold a glass. She just wants to be with people but won't follow through with going to sr. centers

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In my opinion you are not at all wrong, jules6j. In fact, to allow her to move in with you would be enabling her to continue avoiding dealing with her illness. Your mother may live another 40 years ... surely you do not want -- nor or you qualified to -- take care of a person in deep depression the rest of her life.

I suggest that you call social services in your mother's county. Explain that your mother, who is mentally ill, will become homeless in a couple of weeks and that although you've been trying to help her you cannot support her at this time. Do everything you can to advocate for your mother, to see that she is getting some help, to make calls and more calls (all of which can be too daunting for persons with severe depression), but stop short of having her live with you, or taking on financial responsibility for her.

I understand your anger, but depression is an illness, like diabetes or congestive heart failure. Presumably she did not ask for it and is not deliberately trying to make it worse. But just as a diabetic or someone with chf needs to make changes to manage their disease, so does your mother. Unfortunately the disease of depression itself gets in the way of taking action. It sounds like you have have been extremely proactive on her behalf. I hope you will continue in that role, but NOT by sacrificing your privacy and your personal space.

You just cannot do it any longer. That is fair. Do what you can. Don't go beyond that.
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Hello. My situation does not quite fit into "caring for your elderly parents", but I am struggling with the possible need to care for my mom. A little bit of background: my sister passed away 5 years ago at the age of 29. She was my mom's best friend, roommate, and they worked together. My mom's grief -- my mom is currently only 56 -- has spiraled into now what I consider a deep depression to the point of her not being able to keep a job, not physically taking care of herself. Immediatly after by sister's death, I arranged for therapy sessions -- which I offered to pay -- for my mom and provided her info on local support groups. Since my sister's death, I have continually begged her to seek help -- to the point where I have physically contacted therapists on her behalf and even scheduled appointments -- , and have also had to help support her financially -- paying her cell phone, car insurance, meds, and car repairs -- each month. I am now to the point where I mentally,emotionally,financially just cannot do it any longer. This evening she called me to let me know that in a couple weeks she will no longer have a place to live and asked to move in with me. I know this may sound selfish to many, but I am so angry at her. She apparently has known about her possible pending "homeless" situation for the past 4 months and has done nothing about it. Am I wrong to tell her that she can't live with me? HELP!!!!
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Unless it is your husband or children do not let relatives, old or young, live with you.
Your home is your life and sanctuary without it becoming someones meal ticket or needed nursemaid duties. Feeling guilty about that choice? Better than having your life torn to shreds!
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SOSA:

I won't talk about your mother. I'll talk about mine because she did something similar. After 3 years of practically being held hostage, I placed her in a senior citizens home here in The Bronx. The gang-banging papi chulos she likes so much couldn't come up and spend the night, so she moved back to the slum of her childhood in Puerto Rico. One year later, she missed the comforts of the City, she sold the hovel in Vega Baja and moved in with my oldest sister in La Cambija, Bayamon, where she had the time of her life until the money was gone. Sis kicked her to the curb. Homeless and penniless, she showed up at my door in the middle of the night with some boohoo story that she had some incurable illness and was a nail away from the coffin. I called my youngest 1/2 sister and drug-dealing husband to tell her she was on her way over. In less than 20 minutes she was in a cab bound for 180 St. near the Bronx Zoo -- suitcases, trinkety presents, ron cana, gofio, pasteles and all "jazz." You get the picture.

If your Mom has any money left from the sale of the house, AL might be what she really needs. Good luck my friend.

-- Ed
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oh, yes, i do like your comment -- I am a little tired of people telling me what a good daughter I am -- the more realistic thing to say is what you have so accurately stated -- how wonderful it is to have your life torn apart, family torn, relationships with siblings strained, and all that goes with it. I don't have a relationship with my nieces and nephews as most of my energy is spent being a caregiver and being resentful. bummer -- i need to work on this
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Dear Jeanne, I truly understand this. My mom is going into Dementia, has depression and is not pleasant to live around. Since you have a family, your 'NOT' being selfish to find other living places for her. I hear people say to others, "Oh your so sweet to take care of your mother and do what you do for her." You never hear them say, "Isn't it wonderful that your family is being torn apart, your children resent this and your husband is trying to stay sane and soon your going to have health problems from all this?" Let's be realistic. We're not all millionaires or Florance Nightingales. I have repeatedly stated to my children to put me in Assisted Living Quarters when I get to that stage and DO NOT try and be martyr's. It would be entirely selfish of me to ask them to take care of me! Your mom would not want this, if she were completely healthy and not a little senile. Do what you have to do hon, your have a life and your NOT bad for seeing that she is taken care of elsewhere. Never, never, ever allow her to give you a guilt trip.
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@Sosad2: my mom won't go to senior centers either and says she does not need people and has never been social. Ok, well although the doc recommended participating in activities at the senior center, ultimately, it is my mom's choice not to. I guess that's really sad but my favorite saying right now is: I can lead a horse to water but I can't make him drink.
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Wow, ok, the co-dependency is what I would address in counseling asap if I were you. (I believe in counseling.) And the guilt as well. She can fantasize about living with you but that is not a reality. When the Director addresses you, set boundaries, you will not be spoken to in less than a respectful manner. If too frequent overnight visits upsets everyone's apple cart, curtail them. If you tell the nurse you are not taking her, and they pack her pills, walk out without her and tell the nurse you want respect...they are NOT to tell YOU what to do!!!
I am learning about detaching relationships and there is a great article on this site. (Haven't figured out how to link that yet, sorry.) Your health is in very extreme jeopardy with this stress so maybe your doctor can be your advocate and talk to the nursing home (especially that nurse that forced you to take your mother when you said NO). Two heart attacks at 61 sounds scary to me. Again, I encourage you to get counseling re: the apron strings...they need to be cut once and for all. That stems way way back and only a qualified professional can help you with that. Peg in San Diego
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My mother and I have been co-dependent all my life. I helped her take care of dad until he died, then moved in with her for six years, and just couldn't take her pill-insanity any more. No one in the family could take her for more than a weekend, and have given up. She wants me to move to a smaller town and take her with me. It was pure hell living with her, but the guilt I've lived everyday for past two years in nursing home is almost as bad. Half the time I'm planning to get a bigger house and just keep her with me. And then I have to come to my senses and realize I just can't do it all. She's very manipulative, and the Director at the home told me off like it was my fault that I took her out overnight too much, but I tell his nurses I'm not going to take her, but they pack her pills up and send her on her way anyway. I just left the home and turned my phone off last time they did that. She keeps asking when we are going to move. I've picked up all kinds of stress and autoimmune disorders, I'm 61 and have had two heart attacks over past several months. The guilt and not being able to lose her apron strings are what I can't seem to get over. SOS, Please.
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Your mom probably feels as though my mom did when she was moved into an independent living facility just weeks after my Dad died last year...she literally lost EVERYTHING in her life that was familiar. Thank God her house didn't sell, we moved back in (I have lived her with both of them since 2004) and she has been a bit happier. Unfortunately much of her furniture and many of her household items were given or thrown away and she has had to redo the house but she is "home" and that's all that matters. Trying days? Oh yeah. Interfering sibling? of course ... what family drama is devoid of that?
I agree with finding resources for your mom, sosad2, but she may be like my mom and not want to utilize them. Her nutrition is important as well. Medications (yes, antianxiety and antidepressants a must if rx'ed by doc) to be taken per prescribed. Rest I am blessed with a mom who likes to go to bed around 8:30 and doesn't stir nor wander all night ... I do get rest ... that's important for all of us.
I agree with jeanne, monitor your relationships! Those are equally important. And always remind yourself that you are doing the best you can do for you! I appreciate this post!
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