My mother wants to do nothing but lie around in bed all day, watch TV and sleep. I don't think it's healthy, but should I just let her be?

I just saw this. I'm beginning to think *I* am starting to fit this description! Winter. Retired husband boring me/bugging me all day long, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. He won't leave the house unless it's over 70 degrees! He won't get any more pets as 'they will outlive us'. ...No family, few friends, no grandchildren, no job. I shop, go on FaceBook, read, watch a ton of tv. Just waitin' to die, I guess!

Yes. She's been "doing" her whole life. If that's the way she wants to spend HER time, let her!

I wonder if diagnosing depression in the elder generation has such a stigma that the label is counter-productive? Perhaps calling it a serotonin deficiency or some other sort of deficiency would be more palatable? Some wear certain diagnoses like a badge of honor (validates them) - other's would rather suffer than be assigned certain diagnoses.

I have a mother that does nothing but lie in bed all day and get up to eat. If my father, who is 87, wants to do something, she says she is not well and can not go. She makes him cancel outings that he has arranged. She complains constantly that she is not well, and if you have something wrong with you, she's had it worse and more. She's been like this since I was quite young. She would lie in bed until we came home from school at 4:00 and then would have to get her up.
My mother has slept her life away and is dragging my father down health wise. He believes every lie she tells him about her health and has on many occasions checked on the internet for symptoms before going to the doctor's with her self diagnosis.
There is no helping her because she wants to be sick for the attention. She is slowly killing herself by sleeping her life away. I'm sure she will pass in her sleep from a heart attack.

Let her be. Enjoy the TV with her and bring her some great snacks. She may not be "depressed", she's old!
Lay off the Prozac.

Yeah, that depression is an ugly disease of it's own. Especially if the right medication won't be taken or can't be found, as it does indeed help. God speed, and I hope there's a light at the end of your tunnel for you all.

I'm grateful to see so many people here are experiencing the same thing I am: caring for an elderly parent who's mired in depression. My 71 year old father underwent a very serious operation 1 year ago and recovery has been slow. He's regained much of his mobility but constantly complains about his shortness-of-breath, physical limitations and upcoming dialysis sessions. He's a wonderful man, but he's often held captive by his own fears and frustrations, paranoia (worries all the time about our safety, as he's not as strong as he was before), past regrets and of course the big commitment required for constant dialysis (no travelling, loneliness). It's so true what people here have said; you can't really bring anyone out of their depression. My father REFUSES to come out of it, no matter what I try to involve him with. He's convinced it's the end of the world for him, and as much as my mother and I try to convince him we should consider ourselves lucky we still have him, he won't listen ... or at least, won't listen for long. Sigh. I suppose the only thing I can really do is move on with my life and not let it crash my own ambitions.

hi reba ,
my mother passed away due to cancer when i was 25 years old , she wanted to go meet her master and didnt want no treatments , she was only 64 when she died . bless her heart ,
yes i am going to keep on carin for dad cuz he is the only parent i have left . he s a sweet heart . im 47 yrs old and my back is not no sweet heart . back ache like a tooth ache by liftin him to recliner to the wheel chair and to bathroom and so forth . bless his heart he tries so hard to help me so my back wouldnt hurt , he fears going back to nursing home if my back goes then he would have to go to nursing home .
he tries so hard to help me and my back . today my back feels better . wink ...

lhardebeck, I took care of my dad. He had cancer and ended up in a wheel chair. My dad called me out of 8 of his kids and ask if he could come and stay with me. I was happy to take him in. He lived 6 weeks. He was an angel and never a cross word, no matter how he felt. So much pain. My mom died when I was 15. She had a heart attack and went fast. I thank God for that. Both of my parents were the best and I couldn't have found a better mom and dad.
Enjoy you dad, at 86 he may not be here long. God will bless you for taking care of him.

my 86 years old dad too sits and watch tv all day long and eats when i give him his meal . he s either sleeping or watching tv or just be hollarin .
he did good and tried his best at rehab only cuz he wants to go home and do nothing . i told him if he passes and is walkin then he could come home so he did but is having trouble walkin , leans more to his left , (stroke) .
i told him my house is boring and rehab nursing home is a great place , activies and people to talk to . he growled said oh no no . he is not people person , he rather be with his families . and his recliner and tv ,. he is the boss and he is a man , i let him do what he wants to do , if sitting and watching tv makes him happy then im happy .
i eat breakfast with him , he sees me eat so he will eat , same thing for lunch and supper , night time we get a small bowl of icecream , he likes that .
we get along great , if he dont feel like excerising his legs then thats fine with me , i dont pressure him cuz it will only bring him down and be more depress , let him be lord he s 86 yrs old and had a long rough life , leave dad alone and let him be . its peaceful ....

neonwocky, Did you ever ask her why she treats you so bad. I don't think I could take care of someone who acts like that. I know she is your mother but even so I wouldn't put up with it. Life is too short to live like that.

My sister and her husband was here with me for 8 mos. I was taking care of her. My niece came to visit and she said I looked like H _ _ _. They didn't pay enough money to cover their cost in my home. When I said it wasn't enough she said then we will move out. So they did. We were going $100.00 in the hole each mo. Was so good to get our home back and to have peace again. I ran my butt off for them. Some people just don't know how good they have it. They way she talk to me all of my life I don't think she like me.That is ok at times I didn't like her but I did love her. She was old enough to be my mother. Her daughter and I were two years apart. Maybe it was because I was the last child. God help you with her.

itzamemon, I think our mothers have a lot in common. I didn't like it when mine spent so much time in bed, but she's gone off pain meds since then (a 50+ year addiction) and now is getting out more. If she were still in bed, at least I'd know where she was, and not out getting into, and causing me all sorts of trouble. Mine won't take anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds, either, saying, "I'm not depressed." Then why have 12 doctors prescribed those meds??? Hmmmmmmm.

well I don't push anymore I had her doc give her meds for depression she threw them down the toilet and said I'm not depressed well for God's sake you could have given them to me cuz I sure was. so now I just let her do her thing its easier on her and easier on me its just sometimes it does get to me ccuz she won't go anywhere with us to try to have a nice life for her remaining years but if staying in your room with your stuff piled up in boxes makes ya happy I say go for it.

I don't know. My mom LOVES her bed. I don't think she is depressed so much as she's comfortable and feels safe. I think it depends on their overall health. If your mother is pretty healthy, I don't think she is living as full a life as she should. She may be depressed. I know that my mom misses my dad so much and it has been 4 years since he died. I've learned this much. Being elderly is hard and it's hard to know when to push them to do something and when not to.

No its not me its carols mom beleive me if It were mine she would be out or i would be out and she would be left to her own devices.

neonwocky, are they taking you to court? You need to get your mom out of your house. Tell her your son needs you and she doesn't. Sorry to hear about your son. Yes I will pray for him. How bad is the cancer if I may ask?

My goodness neonwocky, I'm at a total loss for words, but will make an attempt to find some.
What you're doing would drive me to a straight jacket and rubber room. You are dealing with so much it's a wonder your mother is still with you and she should be thanking you rather than making life miserable. I tend to agree with Reba, however, I also believe it's an attention getter for sure. I'm sure you are doing your best to maintain a nice environment for yourself and your mom, however, there IS only so much you CAN do. As long as you can look in your mirror and know you've done your best, thats what matters. Ever persons tolerance level and situation is very different, so what is good and what works for one may not work for another. Its like a huge crap shoot, we, as caregivers, never know what we're going to get. I've read a lot of fantastic advise and words of wisdom in here, however, there's only some that is useful for me, as my situation is vastly different. It doesn't mean I love my mother any less than the next person, it only means that things where I stand are different. Just there's only so much one person can take. You just keep doing your best neonwocky and know in your heart that you have, that's what really matters, at least in my opinion.

Oh Carol I am so sorry to hear this. Your mother is in the care of your daughters it won't be long before they will come t you and aplogize as she will do the same thing to them.

As for you and your son and his faily you are in my prayers get some rest leave the worry to God he asks us to do that. Easier said then done I know bur doable with a little practice. Than you will have the strenght to deal with your son and his family. God Bless you there is always some one who has it harder than I do and I feel ashamed of the way I have ranted today. I know exactly what to do in my case so thank you for the eye opener. Love neon

my mom is the same way. lays in the bed all day. eats nothing but bluebell ice cream. weighs 215 lbs. does not get dressed unless greatchildren are going to visit which is maybe every 10 days. i have talked to her dr. social worker, home health. she is on lots of medication, xanax, methadone, seroquel, lexapro, ambien and guess what after 3 years of trying everything that i know my mother has turned on me. accused me of abuse. my 2 daughters have turned on me, they believe my mother, her doctor after all that i have done and tried to do believes my mother is ok, just depressed and has turned me into adult protective for abuse. i told her we needed to look at nursing homes, that is verbal abuse, and i took phone out of her room for 5 minutes because she could not remember who called and when her doctors appointments were, she pushes alert button screaming help she is hurting me, my 2 dauthers rush down, get my mother and give me 3 days to move out. i have given 3 years of caring for my mother. given up my career, health insurance and i am now an emotional basket case. it has been the most trying time of my life and the only thing i can do is stay away and i know there will be a crisis soon with my mother and i can say that this time i will not be available as hard and cruel as that sounds. i have to take care of me.

and now last week my 30 year old son was diagnosed with cancer. he is married and has 3 small children and i am so tired i am just now pray that god will give me the courage and strength to be there for him and his family. which i know that i can and i will. i was ready to get back in the workforce and have time for myself but god has a different plan. please pray for me and my son and i will life each of you also in prayer, for without prayer and faith it is impossible. take care all. carol

my mother

Your mother or mother n law?

Actually I would love for her to move out so I could get my house back in order and have my free space again.

I brought home the papers to bring out and boxes the first time she said it and said start packing the next day she came out and said I better stay here. she is doing it for attention.; the next time she says it I'm ggoing to say whatever call your dear son to help you he hasn't spoken to her in almost 3 years sent a card nothing and thats all I'm saying. she can get pissed off I don't care we have no relationship now never did don't know why she hates me so always has so she isn't going to change now funny how I am the only one who stepped up to the plate and it wasn't because I wanted to I don't want approval I'm 61 years old I know who I am I know what I am capable of she is narcissistic and a pain in the arse.

I can tell you right now, she is doing all of this to get kicked out. So can she be in her own place and live alone? If she can by all means put her there. Don't go clean for her.

I do give my mother flowers hugs and presents and special treats when she least expects it the thing that gets me is she is perfectaly capable of doing things, she cannot wipe up behind herself in the kitchen she makes a mess in the microwave daily she won't do dishes it seems anymore she won't wipe down the sink after she brushes her teeth all over the mirror and fawcet she doesn't empty the little trash can in the bedroom/bathroom/ she won't eat left overs which would be easy to heat up. I just cannot get her to be a part of this family. I am at my wits end she makes many messes and says well its your house all she wants is a place to sleep and food. she is still yammering about having her own place and while getting dressed for work this morning I thought if she brings it up one mor time I'm telling her go ahead find a place, but when you do don't expect me to come clean it, don't expect me to do anything you want to be on your own so be on your own, find someone to take you to doctors, shopping and any other little thing you need done. she has been with us over a year and ahalf and all her stuff is still packed up and stacked in her room, she won't share anything an occasion danish LOL we give and give nd give and give and get nothing in return. I am sick of it as of today and I have had enough she thinks she can do it I say go for it baby you've never been able to take care of yourself before don't think you can now. Sooo thats my dilemma today, but.... I am thankful for the sunshine the beautiful weather, my church family and this site. I had a memory when I was two I was told I would go into the closet and tear all my dress from the waist quite a feat for a two year old I must have been very strong physically, I even so much as embarrased her by going to my aunts wedding and wanted to dance with someone and they did not want to so I stood on top of a table no less and proceeded to rip my dress apart, anyone have any clues I can remember back to when I was two but I never remember doing that seems it would stand out as it appears Imust have had an anger issue at the rip old age of two. Hmm. Help me understand please

I WOULD LIKE TRAINING TO HELP OLDER PEOPLE

Do you ever bring home flowers for her. Even a card to say,
"I love you mom." Maybe you have but anything like this to perk her up. A hug or a kiss? Not saying you don't do this but sometimes we forget.

How long has she been with you? If not very long I know I would miss my home that I have lived in for 35 years.

That is a great thing to do and thanks for sharing, lilykay!

I notice this in my 88 year old mother at times and feel it is depression. When I see it happening, I try to give her something to look forward to, i.e. let's get together and make lunch (in 2 days). think about what we should make and I'll pick up the ingredients. Things like this seem to perk her up and get her thinking about something else beside "being old and not able to do the things I used to do".

Between my daughter and I, my mothers blood pressure is checked 3 X's a day, and along with that her heart rate is checked as well. Aside from an occasional dip in her blood pressure, things are ok. That's not saying that there is nothing wrong with my moms heart, as she's just decided to go ahead and have the defib/pacemaker put in. Now it's a matter of her making the apt to actually have it done.