Should I grant my mother her wishes and let her admit herself into a nursing home?

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she lives 1200 miles away. her husband of 30 yrs is disabled and not able to take care of her and himself. Their apartment is very close to the nursing home. He is understanding everything. mom is very smart and witty. I dont know what i am suppose to do.

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I can't say any better than what's already been said. As long as the NH is a good place, God bless her for decision to take care of herself and her loved ones. The other good thing is although some NH provide long term care, if your Mom decides this is not for her, she can move out.
I wish the best for all and I applaud your Mom for her self reliance.
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I have a question about nursing homes. Can an elderly person just place themselves in a nursing home without a doctor's recommendation? I am sure it depends on whether they are a paying customer or on Medicaid. Just not sure how this all works. My Mom, like yours wants to go in a nursing home when the time comes because she doesn't want to live with either of her two children. It is a control thing with her and because she has a personality disorder of some sort, I say "thank you Jesus".

From what I have read on this site, count your blessing. Most elderly people do not want to go to a nursing home even when they really need it and their poor kids are begging them for some care and relief. What will happen to her husband?
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I feel that your mother is in her right mind and wants to be with her beloved husband and know he's being taken care of, things she can't do they can do and the smaller things she can. The biggest thing would be that she'll be at his side night and day 24/7 : )
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I think you must respect your parents decision. That said there may be other solutions such as "assisted living." Could it be possible your mother feels she can no longer care for your father and this is her only solution or (not to be unkind) but escape? You did not mention her physical problems. I suggest if possible a visit to try to sort out the situation.
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Commitments to NH's can be temporary. It is a blessing that the commitment is on a month to month basis. Perhaps your mother has needs that you are not aware of (incontinence at night, loneliness,etc., arthritis issues where she can no longer do the things she was able to do such as dress herself, etc.). I would encourage you to let her try out the NH. What does she have to lose? My mother was not happy and not wanting to go to an AL or NH after her stroke. The family intervened, we found a new doctor, and she is about as content in her new residence at a NH as she will ever be. She enjoys the busyness, a roommate her age who she can talk to; no longer does she have embarrassing incontinent needs in front of her family as she is taken to the bathroom frequently by staff, etc. She can enjoy her visits with family more and not have the worries she once had. In Vacaville, CA there is a city coach that will pick up my mother in her wheelchair at the door and take her anywhere in the town, drop her off and pick her up at a designated time. This frees family members to be able to take her to movies, restaurants, outlet stores, etc. The assistant rides for free; mom pays only $2.. I would see if this is possible in your area. We have found a Nursing Home that is combination Rehab which I would recommend if you can find one. Some of the patients are short-term; some long-term; physical therapy is ongoing and it is a busier more productive place. Please keep us updated as to your mother's decision and what you decide. Hats off to those caregivers out there who genuinely care about their loved ones and want to help make the best decisions possible for them--not always the easiest of tasks. As a caregiver, God has been teaching me about sacrificial love, patience, dying to myself in learning to love my mother, and making decisions on what is right rather than feeling-based decisions...I always thought myself to be kind and patient, but our kids and a cognitively-impaired mother have shown me otherwise, so I pray, and have found that God answers my prayers for more grace-- to be kinder, to be more loving, and less concerned about how my own needs are being met. May we have a blessed day!
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Naheaton: good thought. You are right. Just because it is nearby does not mean it will meet her needs. That's a very valid point. That NH should be checked out somehow by those in the same vicinity!
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I just hope she's not choosing a nursing home because it's close by.
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I think that Peg has given you sound advice.

You say that your mother is smart. Unless you suspect that that is no longer true, or that she is losing her reasoning ability, then accept her decision and be encouraging.

Will her husband be able to care for himself, if he doesn't have to care for her as well? Will he need some support, like meals on wheels, a visiting nurse, homemaker services, etc? Perhaps you could help him and your mother attend to some of these things, if they have not been covered already.

Since the NH is so close, perhaps your mother has visited friends there, volunteered there, eaten in their cafeteria, or otherwise has become comfortable there. Will her husband be able to visit her often? Perhaps eat with her daily?

Try to find the positives in this situation, and offer your mother support. And a NH is not a prison. If it doesn't work out, she is free to make other arrangements.

On a practical note, I'm not sure how much interference you could do, and trying might only put a strain on your relationship without changing the outcome.

Keep us posted on how this unfolds. An elder deciding on a NH is unusual, and many of us will be interested in hearing more.
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I believe anyone who is making this decision for themselves needs encouraging words. If you were actively involved in her day to day care then perhaps your opinion could be voiced but it sounds like there are quite a few miles between you. And if her husband is supportive of her decision, gosh, give her all the encouragement you can. If you disagree with her decision, perhaps talking to a priest, rabbi, clergy, counselor, friend etc would be helpful for you. But I think she could use some building up in her decision to take care of herself in this way. I know others may disagree but that's how I view it and hope this helps. Peg
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