My mother is caring for my father with Alzheimer's and a colostomy at home. She refuses to move him into a nursing home and wants to take care of him herself. Where do I start to look to find help them?

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My 87-year-old mother is caring for my 89-year-old father with middle stage Alzheimer's at home. He also has a colostomy that she tends to and cannot transfer from chair to bed, so she is using a Lift to move him. Because of his Alzheimers he has disrupted sleep patterns and will sometimes keep her awake for 48 hours straight. She refuses to move him into a Nursing Home and wants to continue taking care of him herself. Obviously she will succumb to his disease before he does from stress and lack of sleep. Is there any type of housing that they could continue to live together, but have assistance on hand if needed? For example, he scoots out of bed and she is not physically able to help him get back in. Because of his Alzheimers he will verbally rant for hours leaving her in tears. I am so concerned, yet live out of state and feel helpless. I need to know where to start looking to find help for my mother. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.

Answers 1 to 4 of 4
I think nursing homes will allow couples to be together, it's not an uncommon practice. When my Dad was in the home my Mom practical lived there spending all but nights with him. She used the county bus transportation to get back and forth, they picked her up and came back at an appointed time. If she does this type of thing he may not even miss her at night. Even using the lift can not be safe if he's moving around. I would definitely step in and change things, it's an emotional time but if your Mom gets hurt it's all over. Do they have life alert at least. How about a night time caregiver, there's help out there. Check with your local hospital or speak to her doctor.
I would contact medicare and his insurance to see what help they can be, if he is compentent then no one can make him go to a nursing home, maybe if they make enough money, they could move in to an assisted living facility which helps with medical needs, bathing, meal prep and meds, hope this helps, hugs
You are not alone. A lot of children live out of state, but even if you lived near by the situation would still be the same. You are their child- and will always be their child in your parents eyes so taking advice from you is something that they are not used to doing. Mom's role has been the family caregiver and she will continue with this role until she sees "the light" (no pun intended). I'd call a certified geriatric care manager in either your state or in theirs and ask them how they we would handle this situation. If you hire them, they will be a valuable ally in your parents care. They should be highly knowledgeable about community services, local and government resources and assisted living (if it comes to that) in your parents area and will give both of you good guidance. God Bless.
It's amazing that your mother has been able to do this well for this long! Wow! I know of couples who are able to live together in an assisted living facility, however it will depend upon their means. Here in the Seattle area there are people who will talk with the family to assist in finding the best solution, and there is no charge for their service. (They receive a finder's fee from a facility or an organization which provides in-home care) I guess you could do an Internet search for such an advocate in your parents' area. Maybe having a third party advise them would be easier to take than having you do it...


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