We are looking at a nursing facility for my aunt and my mom and her sister wants something very plush. What should I do if I know my mom can’t afford it?

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My aunt is a quiet, shy type person who does not like activities - she is and always has been low maintenance. She is kind and gentle.
My mom is very outgoing and has a controlling personality and I think she is picking my aunt's 'home' based on what she wants. The one she has picked for my aunt will wipe her out financially within 1 year.
Should I keep peace with my mom or be more assertive?

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Let it rip without being crude, crass, and obscene. Mom doesn't always know best. Good luck.

-- Ed
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If this were a one-time deal, say picking the venue for a neice's graduation party, it might be worth keeping peace with your mom. But your aunt, who has untrusted you with the power to make decisions on her behalf, is going to live with the consequences of this decision for a long time. You really have to make the best decision you can for her.

If Aunt's money will only cover one year at the expensive place, it is not likely to cover for the rest of her life at other places, either (unless she is 98), thought it may cover longer. So I think Lynn has a good point. This is the time to find out what the places you are looking at do when the money runs out. Some will continue with the resident and accept Medicaid in payment. Some will not. This is worth knowing upfront.

Good luck to you. Your aunt must have had a lot of faith in you to appoint you her decision-maker. I'm sure you will live up to that.
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I vote with the above - pick the place your loved one will like best. I made the mistake of trying one for my mom that appealed to me personally - and she hated it, got herself worked up and ended up in the hospital! Couldn't even tell us what she didn't like about it until later....THEN I immediately knew which of the other ones on my short list to try next based on what she finally said about it, and she liked the new place a lot better. It was about 700.00 a month more in our case, and a longer drive and not near anything we could have wheeled Mom to (this was before we got the adapted vehicle for her. Now I'm telling my kids if I need skilled nursing I want that first one, its more my style - homey, busy, more colorful, etc... rather than the more modern, more well-lit, even a little more "sterile" (in my opinion) which suited my mom a lot better.
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Go looking with your AUNT and leave your mom at home. Plush is not always best - my own mom was in a pretty plush place and the care was terrible. The nurses were like drill sargents and didn't give a damn, they just wanted to get back to their cigarette breaks. Make a list of things you think are meaningful for your aunt - a library or quiet space to read, some place to walk or sit outside? can she have a pet?, can she make some of her own meals? And then consider how long she can stay given her funds. If she doesn't adjust well to change, it might be wise to move her someplace that DOES accept medicaide (state assistance) once her money is gone. Your aunt granted YOU POA not your mom - perhaps she knew what your mom would do... It's time to be the responsible person she needs and leave your mom at home...help your aunt make a wise choice...Kyfee is right - see a social worker to help you understand all the details if necessary - but see the S.W WITHOUT mom...Best of luck to you. I know these situations are tough but you can get through it and if your mom gets upset tell her that you're trying to do what's best for your aunt and you wouldn't do any less for her. How can she argue with that?
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Take you the authority granted to you by the POA which your aunt trusted you with, and not her sister-your controlling mother, and do what is best for your aunt for you are the one with the authority to make it happen!
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Be more assertive. We have a tendency to heal ourselves by living this disease vicariously through our loved ones. Somehow we think the trappings matter. I felt the same way, except my mom can afford it. At the end of the day, the beauty that she admired about her place, the picture window, sharp kitchen etc. she doesn't enjoy nor remember any longer. The place is overwhelming and if anything I am condensing and will have to condense her to a studio. As her care escalates, so does her financial care. Is your mother prepared for the additional financial care that she may need as unfortunately your aunt's care gets more trying? If not, I think you need to run interference and speak with a social worker to guide you both. Temporary living is not a solution and who is to take care of your aunt if she sucumbs without financial means? The state? Good Luck and wish the best for you all!
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