How do you deal with feeling guilty after you leave your husband with dementia at the nursing home begging to come home?

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My husband is in for ReHab after being in the hospital, but there's no chance of him being able to come back home as I can't care for him here, and it is making me feel so bad to hear him tell me he wants to go home. He is beginning to get beligerant about it and I;m not sure how to handle this. I am looking for admission to a VA center, but the waiting list is long and they don;t do Medicaid. Where can I get help?

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Hey, jeannegibbs. You offer some good advice. Let's talk sometime, I could use some one on one.
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Spanky98, it sounds like you should keep doing what you are doing. Visit her, advocate for her, make sure she is getting the best care she can have, and love her.

You should also (in my opinion) make sure that you and your son get support in this very challenging situation. Joining a caregivers' support group might be very good for you. Counselling for your son may help him through this heartbreaker. He is not to blame and you are not to blame, and getting outside objective assurance of that could be very valuable.
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Nana2, I just realized how old your original post was....July 2011. What's going on now in your life?
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Ed, it seems like you recovered. Do you think your extended hospital stay and your youth helped you return to live a meaningful life? Age definitely plays a role is what can be expected in recovery. I'm happy for your recovery.
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Wow, Spany98, that is tragic for a 41 year old woman. This is your ex-wife, but I am assuming you were married when she had the stroke? Does she have any family members that visit her, besides you and her son? Was her stroke so massive that there is no hope of her improving?
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I have a 41 year old ex wife that has had Lupus her whole life, then a couple years ago she had a stroke and eventually I had to put her in a nursing home, there was just no way to work full time, take care of our 13 year old son, and then try and take care of her at the same time, she needs and is getting 24 hour care at the nursing home. We visit her 4-5 times a week but each visit gets harder and harder because she "thinks" she can go home even though the doctors, nurses, and myself know thats not possible. Any suggestions on how to handle her constantly blaming me for everything that has happened to her (the stroke and putting her in the nursing home), and her trying to find a way out of the nursing home? I have POA over her and don't know what to do anymore. It is affecting my son and myself dramatically every day just having her in the nursing home let alone if somehow she got her way to get out of the nursing home on her own (which I don't know if she can do without my approval). I just want the best care for her and I can't give her that at home. What should I do?
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I think that we all wish to stay in our homes and care for ourselves until the good Lord calls us upstairs. Hollywood reinforces this myth that we will all die in our beds with a gentle sigh. But, to promise a loved one that they can live at home, no matter what the cost, is not only unrealistic it sets the caregiver up for failure and additional heaps of guilt.
Every situation is different and needs to be evaluated as such. Some of our forum members have made having their loved one at home work, but at a horrific cost to their own physical health, relationships, financial well-being, and mental health. It is no surprise that the majority of caregivers are women. It is society's expectation that women should step up to the plate without complaint or regard for their own wishes or careers. I realize that there are dedicated male caregivers in this forum, but generally most men do not get involved in caregiving in the way that women are expected to. So there is even more guilt to add to the pile.
So I say: to each his or her own. You know in your heart when you have hit the wall and need to ask for help. That can take the form of in-home care, hospice, or accessing the skills of a facility.
This is a hard enough job without having someone from the outside judging what those of us do. That is why this forum is a breath of fresh air for me. I can't say that I always agree with everything that is written, but it has been an education and a support system. I am not at all the naive person I was 2 years ago when I joined the forum and I hope that I have shared a thing or two from my experiences.
Guilt is a killer. If you are making decisions with love and kindness, then there is no reason to second guess yourself.
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Thanks Ed for your response and no apology is necessary. Yes, we are a family here and agreeing and disagreeing is good for us....that's how families sort out matters. I understand where you are coming from...been down that road with my father when he was in hospital and later to NH...just harder when it's a spouse. Things have a way of working out, so I am gonna trust in the big Guy upstairs to help me in my decision making and take one day at a time. Keep keeping in touch....I need all of you. Nana2
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NANA:

In my post, my heart went out to your husband because I know from personal experience what it's like to be hospitalized for a long time and beg to be taken home. If he can't go home, then he can't. I'm not an authority on this on any other subject; then again no one here is. Our personal experiences might be similar at times, but it'd be arrogant to think there's a clear-cut answer for every dilemma posted here when there's no cookie-cutter formula for anything. So we give our opinions and make some suggestions. My apologies if my words seemed insensitive.

To everyone else, please refrain from turning my posts into some kind of debate. When this happens, that's an indication the individual wants to vent somehow; to tear someone else down so they can feel better about themselves. We're a family here. We might disagree sometimes, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion and we have to respect that instead of taking it things personally.

... Any way you look at it, we're all supportive of one another. That's what AgingCare is all about.

Be well my Lady. Talk to you soon.

-- Ed
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Thank you ladies for your kind comments...I'm sure Ed meant no disrespect, but as Jeannegibbs stated, "he dosen't know my situation". Your comments here have given me better insight and have made me feel so much better....and....whatever final decision I have to make, I'll make it with peace of mind. HUGS to you all.
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