Is there a good resource or checklist we could provide to the care provider to ensure this as well as other tasks are done while caring for our mom?

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My siblings and I live out of the area, so we have one sister who has been bearing the primary responsibility for caring for aging Mother. My sister is/has been trying to get cooperation between our Mom and the staff who provide care for her in her home. She (Mom) has a tendency to 'sabotage' attempts to help her with bathing/self care by getting dressed prior to the arrival of the care provider or claiming that someone else (our sister) is going to take care of it for her. Is there a good resource or checklist we could provide to the care provider to ensure this as well as other tasks are done, regardless of the contrary efforts or our Mom?

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I left a sheet for our CG with info about dads personal life, what he did, what he likes etc so they could engage him. His lunch prefernces, etc, things to make them more aware of HIM and not so much the chores. If they get along the rest is easier!
And Caring65, you did the right thing.. good luck!!
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UPDATE:

I just spoke to the daughter she has gone to the house and told Dad this is not acceptable. They have asked me to go back on my next shift. He is going to apologize for his behavior and agree to what needs to be done for his wife. Not just pushing ensure down her.
Watch this space, I will let you all know how it goes on Tuesday after my shift.
Thank you for all the support, I was second guessing my actions and feelings thinking I may have overacted but hearing you all made me see that I did the right thing.
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Thanks Pam.
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Caring65 I hope you call APS, because he is off his rocker. Maybe a little dementia or burnout on his part.
Goose: checklists won't help if mom won't cooperate. We did have good luck by having the MD order OT, who got mom to shower after we added grab bars all around the tub. Give it a shot.
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Hi Jeanne, I agree with you. I am hoping the daughter will meet with me so I can try and explain all this to her. If not then I will call and express my concerns to DCFS regarding her care. The sad thing is he loves his wife so much and in his attempts to keep her alive he is not seeing reason. If he keeps this up she wont live for long.
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The more information I have about my client, the better the transition and care...
I have had to ask for emergency numbers and about DNR's.....
In one instance I was told by the husband to not do something that I knew needed to be done with his wife.... as he argued and was getting upset, I dialed the daughters phone number and handed him the phone, asked him to talk to her and I did what needed to be done while he was on the phone.....like Ruth, I use humor..... and a tone of voice that is loving yet firm....if it is something that is not priority, I will let it ride and explain in the log book.....for either the next shift or the family to do... or will do it the next day myself....
It is so important for a paid caregiver to not make the client feel we are taking over..... I include them in as many decisions as they are capable of helping with...for instance... first time helping with a shower.... ' I haven't helped you with this before, I need you to tell me how to do this.... how do you like your water?' ect.....Most of the time it works... sometimes it doesn't no matter what you try..... I simply let the family know this was a no-go this time around, but will get done the next time.....I don't have a list, but the day lady does....mine is fairly simple.... but with a list. and the family understanding that some days it can't all be done..... is a working solution..my primary job is taking care of my clients.....
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Oh caring65, what that husband is doing is abuse. If he were running a care center he'd be shut down. His intentions might be awesome (maybe) but you are absolutely right about his methods. I am glad you did not participate. Do you work through an agency? Report this.

Even as an independent I think that you are morally if not legally obligated to report this abuse. I'm just sure to whom. Adult Protection Services maybe. Perhaps if his intentions really are good this man could be trained, but it is highly unlikely that he will accept the lessons from you.

I hope other members will have more specific suggestions for you. What you describe is appalling.
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Hi Maggie and thanks for your reply. I did try and explain all to him but to no avail. I have tried reaching out to his daughter so I can explain my concerns but I am guessing they will think Dad knows best. I just couldn't sit and do this to the poor woman,
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Caring65, I think you should have had a conversation with him about the folly of what he's doing. That's cruel. I'd report him, frankly.

"I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm going to McDonald's to get four milkshakes for YOU to drink." Is this jamoke kidding??

That guy either needs a virtual slap in the back of the head, or his wife needs to be removed from his care.
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I don't know about a one-size-fits all checklist, but I make one for mom's care givers on my computer. Bullet points, tidbits in a red font. I'd never leave a care giver with mom without one.

Includes things like:

Our home address for easy reference if it's necessary to call 911.
My and Tom's cell phone numbers. What time we'll be home.
My cousin's cell phone number if we're going to be further than thirty minutes away.
Where her state-approved DNR is located. (On the fridge)
What time she gets her medicine. (Daily dose laid out. Pill box locked away.)
What time to serve her meals and snacks. Foods she absolutely CANNOT eat are listed with a smiley face that says, "Even if she pleads!"
List of things she might want to do -- and any paraphernalia to do them left out.

I'll bet if you all put your heads together you could come up with a dynamite list that could evolve with time. Good luck!
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