Usually in such a situation we are sad about what is ending and what we are leaving. That does not necessarily mean we are sad about what we are going to. Hopefully, if this move is essential, once it is done your father will feel better and not be so distressed. It is very hard to see our parents unhappy, but if this move is necessary, then you may get comfort from knowing you are doing a good thing for him.
Sounds like this need to move came up unexpectedly (health or financial issues?). While you are used to sudden changes and able to "go with the flow" your father is no longer so agile. It does not sound like he is in denial about the need to move, but is just showing his real emotions about the prospect. He needs time to adjust. You can help him prepare for the move by doing the following: 1) Agree on a specific date when the final move will take place. Try to cut him as much slack as you can but do not be hazy about date. 2) Encourage him to invite his friends to visit him in AZ once he is settled and also assure him that he will be able to visit them a few times a year ( if this is financially impossible then a fib is OK since it will give him something to hold onto until he gets adjusted to his new environment and make new friends in AZ Then it won't matter so much) 3) Respect his aversion to the move. After all, what if it were the other way around and you had to move back to OR and live with him? 4) Move as much of his favorite items (furniture, car, boat whatever) as you can manage. Do not even use the phrase "make a fresh start" because at his age making a "fresh start" is the equivalent of throwing in the towel. 5) Arrange for him to visit AZ several weeks before the move. If he is going to live in his own place, than try to have him participate in selecting that place. If he is going to live with you, than designate one room in your home that belongs to him (i.e. he is allowed to decorate and furnish it however he wants and if possible it should have a private entrance so that he can come and go on his own if he is able to do so) 6) Plan a bon voyage party with all his friends in the week he is to depart so that they can wish him well and he can brag about the benefits of retirement in AZ vs OR (so he can fib too)
Here's my perspective on your dilemna since it was mine a few years ago...
When my mother was diagnosed with a fast-progressing form of Parkinson's Disease a few years ago, I spent several weeks (after absorbing the shock of the diagnosis) pondering what to do. As an only child, we are a very small, close family of three. I wanted to not only spend as much time with parents as possible, knowing that the clock was now ticking more loudly and that my three or four long weekends per year were just not enough time for us to be together, but also because, with time, my mother's declining health would require more help than my father could provide.
With the exception of my 2-1/2-year marriage, my entire adult life has focused predominantly on my career. My mother's illness changed all that. I took a close look at my life and the lives of my parents. Being divorced and without children or anyone else to take into consideration but myself, I knew it would be easier for me to sell my house and move to them even though it would mean finding new employment and getting reacclimated in yet another new location. (I've moved a lot for work over the years.) I knew that my parents love their house, community, and circle of friends and don't want to uproot themselves. How could I ask them to leave all that behind, knowing that, if life goes as anticipated (i.e., my parents predeceasing me), I would still have time later on down the road to decided where I want to live.
Although I've never told them this, I see it as a gift to give them for the sacrifices they have made for me in the past. So began my search for new employment and the process of selling my house.
Long story short, while I was able to find a new job closer to them since reaching that decision, I am still a four-hours' drive from my parents...better, but not good enough. I have continued my job search and hope to be able to find new employment within an hour, two hours at most, from them. Now, though, I am able to, at least, help my parents better and more often and thereby avoid having too many strangers coming and going at my parents' house, often causing my parents more inconvenience and frustration than their efforts are worth.
In conclusion, I believe it's a personal decision based on a close examination of the parent(s)'s and child(ren)'s needs, lifestyles, etc. I suggest that it not be automatically assumed that the parent(s) move to wherever the adult child and (future) caregiver lives, although that is frequently the least burdensome avenue to take. Look within your heart, too, and understand how difficult aging, illness, the approach of death, AND a relocation (sale of beloved home, loss of friends and community, etc.) are on a parent(s). If you, the adult child and future caregeiver, have a lifestyle that enables easier relocation, knowing that you will have many more years ahead of you to live where and as you choose, why not give your father this gift of keeping the life he so much enjoys?
These are just some thoughts for you to consider. For me, it was a relatively easy decision to reach, despite knowing all the effort and, yes, even financial loss, that such a decision entailed. I have had no regrets and will have none, knowing that what I am doing is the right thing to do. Best wishes in your own decision-making. I wish you and your father well.
Would it help if he visited first, and became familiar with where he is moving to? Maybe schedule a visit to the Senior Living areas he will be around-even introduce some new friends to him so he does not feel like he is going to a strange place.
It might be about giving up his house and the thought of getting rid of items he has had for a long time if he can afford to put some things in storage for the time being that might help and it just might be he needs time to adjust to the move.
My mom just moved across country over a year ago. However, this was not an overnight decision. I talked with for several months before her move and gave her all the "pros" and then let it go. Soon, it was HER idea to move. Also, I think she could see that my sib was not at all interested in assisting her. Before her move I flew out to help her sort through things and have a yard sale with the rest. I think the burden of doing it herself was also giving her anxiety. She has settled in really well here and likes her new apartment. She missed everyone from home - but now, when people ask when she is coming "home" she tells that she IS home. Hopefully, this will comfort you. Lilli
Hi Julie, Now that you have provided more details about the circumstances I would like to offer an alternative solution. It seems your dad and sister have been each other's lifeline for a few years. Sister and kids need dad's attention and dad feels needed by them. Your solution is straight from the head, but lacks input from the heart. No question dad would get better physical care in AZ with you but I think he may need the connection he feels to your sister and her kids in OR. Would you consider offering him a "temporary" move to AZ to rehab from the ruptured disc and return to OR as soon as he recovers? Another option is for you to take a leave of absence from AZ and stay with him in OR until he is well enough to go it alone. That would be a win-win-win solution for all concerned if you can do it. But at your father's age, there are more "heart" factors than "head" factors to consider when you make such a major change to his normal routine. So please consider this before you force your solution. You may be doing the "wrong" thing for all the right reasons when you follow your head and hot your heart.
You did say early on he knows he has to move closer to you and the advice you have gotten sounds great but if he still feels he needs to leave you just do what he needs help with -like cleaning out his house etc the thought of the move must be difficult all the work involved but to me he seems to realize this is what is best for him if he can have his own place at this point that would probably be best for him but if he has to live with you if he can have his own space in your house even if it is a large room with his own bathroom and a small kitchen that would be great-good luck and keep us posted how things are going for both of you.
Julie, I would reassure your dad that he will not abandon his daughter and in fact she would come I am sure to visit you and him in AZ. I think if you talk about the situation calmly and try to make it a new adventure for him, he may come around to the idea.
1) Agree on a specific date when the final move will take place. Try to cut him as much slack as you can but do not be hazy about date.
2) Encourage him to invite his friends to visit him in AZ once he is settled and also assure him that he will be able to visit them a few times a year ( if this is financially impossible then a fib is OK since it will give him something to hold onto until he gets adjusted to his new environment and make new friends in AZ Then it won't matter so much)
3) Respect his aversion to the move. After all, what if it were the other way around and you had to move back to OR and live with him?
4) Move as much of his favorite items (furniture, car, boat whatever) as you can manage. Do not even use the phrase "make a fresh start" because at his age making a "fresh start" is the equivalent of throwing in the towel.
5) Arrange for him to visit AZ several weeks before the move. If he is going to live in his own place, than try to have him participate in selecting that place. If he is going to live with you, than designate one room in your home that belongs to him (i.e. he is allowed to decorate and furnish it however he wants and if possible it should have a private entrance so that he can come and go on his own if he is able to do so)
6) Plan a bon voyage party with all his friends in the week he is to depart so that they can wish him well and he can brag about the benefits of retirement in AZ vs OR (so he can fib too)
When my mother was diagnosed with a fast-progressing form of Parkinson's Disease a few years ago, I spent several weeks (after absorbing the shock of the diagnosis) pondering what to do. As an only child, we are a very small, close family of three. I wanted to not only spend as much time with parents as possible, knowing that the clock was now ticking more loudly and that my three or four long weekends per year were just not enough time for us to be together, but also because, with time, my mother's declining health would require more help than my father could provide.
With the exception of my 2-1/2-year marriage, my entire adult life has focused predominantly on my career. My mother's illness changed all that. I took a close look at my life and the lives of my parents. Being divorced and without children or anyone else to take into consideration but myself, I knew it would be easier for me to sell my house and move to them even though it would mean finding new employment and getting reacclimated in yet another new location. (I've moved a lot for work over the years.) I knew that my parents love their house, community, and circle of friends and don't want to uproot themselves. How could I ask them to leave all that behind, knowing that, if life goes as anticipated (i.e., my parents predeceasing me), I would still have time later on down the road to decided where I want to live.
Although I've never told them this, I see it as a gift to give them for the sacrifices they have made for me in the past. So began my search for new employment and the process of selling my house.
Long story short, while I was able to find a new job closer to them since reaching that decision, I am still a four-hours' drive from my parents...better, but not good enough. I have continued my job search and hope to be able to find new employment within an hour, two hours at most, from them. Now, though, I am able to, at least, help my parents better and more often and thereby avoid having too many strangers coming and going at my parents' house, often causing my parents more inconvenience and frustration than their efforts are worth.
In conclusion, I believe it's a personal decision based on a close examination of the parent(s)'s and child(ren)'s needs, lifestyles, etc. I suggest that it not be automatically assumed that the parent(s) move to wherever the adult child and (future) caregiver lives, although that is frequently the least burdensome avenue to take. Look within your heart, too, and understand how difficult aging, illness, the approach of death, AND a relocation (sale of beloved home, loss of friends and community, etc.) are on a parent(s). If you, the adult child and future caregeiver, have a lifestyle that enables easier relocation, knowing that you will have many more years ahead of you to live where and as you choose, why not give your father this gift of keeping the life he so much enjoys?
These are just some thoughts for you to consider. For me, it was a relatively easy decision to reach, despite knowing all the effort and, yes, even financial loss, that such a decision entailed. I have had no regrets and will have none, knowing that what I am doing is the right thing to do. Best wishes in your own decision-making. I wish you and your father well.
Before her move I flew out to help her sort through things and have a yard sale with the rest. I think the burden of doing it herself was also giving her anxiety.
She has settled in really well here and likes her new apartment. She missed everyone from home - but now, when people ask when she is coming "home" she tells that she IS home.
Hopefully, this will comfort you.
Lilli
Now that you have provided more details about the circumstances I would like to offer an alternative solution. It seems your dad and sister have been each other's lifeline for a few years. Sister and kids need dad's attention and dad feels needed by them. Your solution is straight from the head, but lacks input from the heart. No question dad would get better physical care in AZ with you but I think he may need the connection he feels to your sister and her kids in OR. Would you consider offering him a "temporary" move to AZ to rehab from the ruptured disc and return to OR as soon as he recovers? Another option is for you to take a leave of absence from AZ and stay with him in OR until he is well enough to go it alone. That would be a win-win-win solution for all concerned if you can do it. But at your father's age, there are more "heart" factors than "head" factors to consider when you make such a major change to his normal routine. So please consider this before you force your solution. You may be doing the "wrong" thing for all the right reasons when you follow your head and hot your heart.
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