Does anyone else's parent cry for no reason?

My mom was never an emotional type as we were growing up. Now she cries easily and feels sorry for herself to the point of making me crazy. When she is in one of these modes, I find it difficult to figure out what to do. Anything we try seems to be the wrong thing. I think she wants someone to sit near her all day long and keep her company.
I encourage her to do the things she used to like or can still do but, lately, she doesn't even seem to like those things.
It makes me feel so frustrated because I am a natural "fixer-upper" and some things just cannot be fixed. I found that the best thing for her mental health is to redirect her energies. I find a project for her or get her talking about times in the past that were fun.
The hardest thing is to accept that she is growing older and slipping away from me and that stinks. The time we have now is just "maintenance" time...doing basic care. There is not much mother/daughter time anymore - she just sees me as someone who does "stuff" for her. I try not to take it personally because I know she goes into panic mode very easily now.
I don't think my Mom does it for attention either...I just think that guage that keeps all of us from melting down in the middle of the grocery store has ceased working for her. However, indulging these episodes just makes it worse.
So here we are again, between a rock and a hard place.

Luvmom and Lilliput, my heart goes out to you. I take it (from where this is posted) that both your moms have dementia? Lilli you are right -- some things just can't be fixed. Continuing to love and care for mom in these frustrating situations may be all you can do. I certainly hope you have discussed these symptoms with the doctors who treat the dementia. There may not be a magic cure, but I wouldn't rule out getting some medical help without at least trying it. Whatever else you do, please don't take this behavior personally. It is not you. It is the disease.

jeanne: Mom does not have dementia...but may have some depression because of her health issues. She is not one to take prescirption drugs because they make her feel "hazy." I know that going to a doctor for meds would be an utter waste of time. She is also from that generation that thinks counseling is useless and indulgent. I have to respect her some of her choices because I am a fan of natural remedies. But that also leaves me to have to deal with the behaviors as best I can.
I don't have much left to give myself and that makes me sad because I think I am letting her down. But if I did what she wanted of me, I would need to be at her beck and call 24/7. It feels like a weight around my neck.
So I plug along and try to figure out what is best for her. I've made some progress lately, so we'll see how it goes. thanks for your comment.

Lilliput, you mentioned that much of your time now is just maintenance time. Can other people do some of this maintenance? As my mother lost mobility and needed help her kids first did her laundry and cleaning and shopping etc. for her. But that does not seem a very satisfying way to spend time together. Now she has a weekly housecleaner and a nurse who sets up her medicine, cuts her toenails, etc. She gets meals on wheels. If one of us daughters stop over for a couple of hours after work, it contributes more to our relationships to play scrabble with her than to scrub her toilet. (Or maybe that is our excuse to get out of more housework.) If some of the "stuff" could be delegated to hired help, do you think you could recapture some of the mother/daughter feelings? Health issues really can get in the way, can't they?

We don't have to deal with Ma crying or feeling sorry for herself all the time, so I don't have any personal experience with that. It sounds very hard! I wish you luck.

Uncontrollable crying is an actual neurological/medical condition which may be the cause of her emotional liability. Ask her MD.

My mother doesn't cry but I sure do! LOL

Hi , I have asked the dr and it always said its jut part of the disease, thats kind of why I wanted to hear from others to see if we were alone on this.
thanksssssssss

My parents didn't cry but my husband (who is nearly 72 now) frequently says "I feel like crying." He has been ill with different problems for several years and his expectations of what life will bring him have had to change a lot. He feels he has lost control of his life and I am sure this makes him feel fairly helpless and somewhat depressed. If he was crying for hours on end, like your mother is, I would INSIST that he see a doctor immediately. If your mom cries for hours and then is almost hysterically happy, it sounds like she is in a manic-depressive state. I believe this is a situation that needs immediate attention. She shouldn't have to suffer this way - this is an ILLNESS that requires treatment just like an illness like diabetes needs treatment. PLEASE don't allow her to go untreated.

luvmom, I do not know how you feel about meds, but when Ruth was going thru this it was depression, but more anxiety. There are meds out there that they can start with small doses so she does not feel drugged and then increased...if needed.. We have no idea what they are going thru, we are on the outside looking in at a broken mirror that we can not fix. Is is heartbreaking and exhausting for the caregiver... Please consider a Dr. visit and talk with Dr. about med options. Research some before you go, then you will be able to make a more informed decision and not feel like you have to settle for the first med recommended .The med thing is so irritating also, what works for some will not work for others.. but when I saw Ruth relaxing some, I knew she was so much better off. Hope you get some answers and have some time to yourself once in awhile.. We can not do this without getting a break sometimes. hugs to you.. and keep posting, it does help..

Yes, luvmom, this is definitely part of some disease -- it is not normal behavior. But that doesn't mean it cannot be treated. Dementia is not curable but it is treatable. Treating symptoms can definitely improve the quality of life for the afflicted person. However, many doctors have a fatalistic approach to dementia. They kind of throw up their hands and say there is nothing we can do. THAT IS NOT TRUE. If a doctor says "that is part of the disease" then the next question should be, "And what can be done about it?".

My Mother is in a 24 hour supervised assisted living with alzheimer's. She sometimes cries and it is real. She sobs and is clearly feeling a deep sadness. I have come to realize that the reason she is crying like she just experienced the dealth of someone close, is because she just did. All of the sudden, she is crying because her mother dies; father died; son died.....etc. To her, these momens of realization just happened and she is really sad. My mom can no longer verbalize her sadness (or anything for that matter), but I just tell her that I am sorry and that I know she must be sad or scared and that I would feel the same way. Then, as other's have mentioned, I redirect her. This is the meanest way to leave this world and I hope I can just hold her hand and give her the same comfort she gave me all those years that I was young and needed her. I think you need to find a way to get some time for yourself, so you can keep your sanity. Although I worry for her day and night, because the place she lives seems to hire just about anyone regardless of experience or background, but at least I can leave and catch my breath once in a while. My thoughts go out to you. Not having a break can cause a lot of damage to your life as well as hers. Do try to use any help you can get. Good luck.

My mom just started the crying jags. I used to hug her and tell her everything was okay.That helped for a while, now there is no stopping her. She usually doesn't start crying until about 4 pm, I have tried to get her to have a nap but she refuses. I thought it was me being sharp with her but it has nothing to do with it. I just leave her alone and she normally comes out of it at some point. I go through a lot of tissues with the constant running nose and now the crying. I realize it is neurological and there is nothing I can do, even the doctor won't do anything as it is sporadic and not a daily occurrence. I have noticed recently that mom has taken to talking to herself and some of the things are funny but I don't really know what she is saying as she is pretty quiet when she talks to herself. I am now dressing her because she has forgotten how to put on her clothes. I am so thankful for my week of respite coming up on June 2-8. I am still waiting for the phone call for when a bed opens up for her to be moved to long term secure assisted living. Hopefully before I crash. Thank you all for the support. Vickie

I sympathize with all of you, and I need to admit that I feel like crying at times because of so many things. Sorrow, grief, what should have been, what is, etc. I do not have any diagnosis of anything except exhaustion due to caregiving and asthma, but sometimes I just need to cry. I try to do so in private, so perhaps many of our parents are crying for the same reasons we cry as well as other reasons we don't understand. They just may not have the choice of privacy. I do know that we are all trying to do our best to love our parents, and that is wonderful in a world that is short on love and patience. Hang in there, everyone. Rebecca

Hi there. I can kind of relate. My mom does this a lot. She is also diabetic and her crying is worse when that is out of control. It is almost impossible to even talk to her anymore because she is very defensive (even if nothing negative has been said). Her regular doctor suspects dementia, but the psych says only her memory has been affected by strokes. I hope you can find a good neuro//psych to evaluate your mom and maybe they will have some suggestions for you. Good luck.

Thank you all ! Its nice to know she is not alone and yes, my mom did have strokes. She has been to her regular Dr and her Neuro and many phone calls and they all say its the disease but we can UP the antidepressants if we want. I just wonder how high those can go because we already doubled them. I understand I need a break but I am a very emotional person myself, and I cannot imagine her crying and no one being there. When I tuck mom in and sing to her and then tell her I am going to be here all night, she says "you are? oh thats so nice" every single night, She loves the feeling of me being there and that she is safe. I have to be there there to hold her hand and try singing or whatever I can to help. As I said we also have great funny times but on those crying days, its horrific. Sometimes I can say "oh I took care of that" and she says "you did?" and she stops crying. On those times I know something is upsetting her and I think its from a sibling who said something mean to her a long time ago still stuck in her brain. Sometimes she mentions her Mom, or my Dad , or calls for them in the night, so sad, breaks my heart. On those days it goes on and off all day, I so wonder, why? and what can I do?
I dont know about you all but everyone I know who is about Moms age who didnt take pills (like statins) has no dementia and all that do take pills, have it. I wonder if these are causing all the dementia patients we have now? I myself am now afraid to take pills like that, I think I rather die than get what Mom goes thru.
Hugs to all of you and thanks again a bunch for the support!!!!! You're all great!

My heart goes out to all of you having this experience, because I am there myself. My mom just entered a nursing home after having a mini stroke and a fall, and she said she feels trapped and she wants to go home or live with me. When I talk to her and tell her that she can't take care of herself anymore, and my husband and I have jobs that take us away from home all day, she just cries and cries. Now she is in a room with a lady that leaves her TV on all night, and my mom can't sleep well. My frustration level is so high, I am actually looking forward to my own demise so the pain and guilt will stop. I would never take my own life, but I don't know how to live with this heartbreak. My marriage is suffering along with everything else in my life because of this. Does anyone have a word of hope?

Is there any way for her to have a live-in caregiver? Or shifts of caregivers? One of the sad things about putting a loved one in a NH is that sometimes it hastens the process of them letting go of life. I am not trying to upset you further, but it is a fact of life. Please check into as many resources as possible and see if you can't get your mom home without you having to quit your job or it cause any more problems in your marriage... I will pray for you and a good outcome... let us know how things are going..
Also you may try speaking with the NH social worker, or ask the NH to guide you to resources. There are many on this sight and many on the internet.. good luck..

Oh I am so sorry! I think you and your Mom feel the same. My husband and I also work fulltime. I have a caretaker here now, I used to use daycare and they are open until 6pm if you need. Sounds like your husband wont got for bringing her home with help? You can get homecare, or use daycare, its certainly hard but its worth it for them and for your sanity .Sounds like you need to have her close and happy regardless of the work it involves, as I do. She will be happy and you will be still stressed but in a different way, you will feel better knowing she is home and happy. I doubt all the marraige problems are all stemming from your Mom, he should be so proud of you for being a great daughter. Wouldnt he want you to take care of him if he got sick, or a child? I am sending you many hugs, hang in there, you have a big heart of gold and you are just doing the best you can. Please take care...........

Alzhiemers and dementia may be exempt from 'common sense'. Dementia creeps up on you. It begins with short term memory loss. It also excellerates after operations due to all the meds. My mom was not the emotional type either as far as tears went, but she could sure get angry and stern. Today she is like a child, getting up and seeing things for the 1st time all over again (on a good day). Noticing the beauty of flowers, trees and furniture every day as if she'd never seen them before. Some nights she cries all night and carries on a heavy conversation with herself. Today not having slept all last night, she was awake all day too!! You want to be careful of juices containing sugar as not to aid in this pattern. She takes one blood pressure pill - and wares an Exelon patch. The patch is to help mood swings. "I" think it helps - but moods still swing. I do get caught up in not doing enough to excite her, but I believe I am doing all that I can. She seems very self-centered (as a child would) and allot of the time NOTHING will make her happy. I've learned not to take anything personally - I'm grateful when she's having a good day and I times (rare) she even tell me 'I like you".

Luvmom, it sounds like you are a very caring daughter. It is too bad the doctors didn't give more specifics about increasing the medicine. Often antidepressents are started at a low dose and there is some room for increases. Talk to your pharmacist about upper limits on the dosage for the specific med you mom uses. There are also good online sources of information about dosage ranges. I just looked up the drug I take and I could double it and be within the usual range but should not go higher than that. My husband is close to the upper limit on the one he takes, according to the online source. (I'm not considering changing either one, and I'd ask the doctor first if I was, but I just wanted to see what kind of info you can find online.) Pharmacists can be a wealth of information. Talk to yours!

So far, there is no known cause of most types of dementia. Research has revealed many valuable pieces of information, but that one is still elusive. With the extensive research that is underway, I think if there were a clear relationship between taking drugs or certain kinds of drugs and the incidence of dementia that would have been discovered by now. That is something that you could research online, too, if you are interested. I think the huge increase in the number of dementia cases is most directly related to the huge increase in the number of people who reach the applicable ages. A hundred years ago only 1/3 of all women lived to see menopause, let alone old age! Yes, there have always been people who lived into their 80s and even 100, but not the huge numbers of people who do now. In a round-about way, perhaps drugs have contributed to my husband getting dementia. His father, brothers, and sisters all died of heart problems in their 40s or 50s. Sixty-two was the highest age they reached. Hubby is now 85. If he hadn't taken statins and other prescriptions and followed a healthy lifestyle he probably would not have lived long enough to get dementia. (That seems kind of a cruel reward for taking such good care of himself, doesn't it?)
Continue to make your mom feel safe, and know you are doing great things for her.

I just wrote and lost it all, ugh. Thank you Jeanne for your kind words. I am happy for you that you have your husband at home and he is 85. If you search Liptior under Books on amazon it shows books of research on lipitor robbing the mind, scary. I also saw on Dr Oz he doesnt recommend them. I am afraid of them and started 0-2 times a week taking my lipitor and my cholesterol stayed the same. The dr said I could have a heart attack but whats worse? My Mom had a heart attack 8 years ago and now has to live like this for the past 4 years, I dont want to be like her. My grandmother never even had a cholesterol test and lived sharp as a tack into her 90's, there HAS to be a connection with medications.
You too are dong a great job , thank you again very much.
luvmom

I have no idea whether there is a connection between having taken prescription drugs and later developing dementia but I do know that my mom, who was the type that would rather suffer than take even an aspirin, stayed drugfree well into her 70's (and after that for the next ten years or so only took a pill for her diabetes) and she STILL developed dementia. I have heard that if any of us live long enough, dementia is there waiting in the wings for us. I think dementia comes earlier to some than others, though, partly because of stress (either stress from life's worries or stress from disease). One of my grandmothers developed dementia in her 60's and I know she hadn't taken prescription drugs BUT she worried all her life about her children and if they were going to go to heaven or hell when they died. Her favourite son married a divorced woman ( both were wonderful caring people) and my grandmother was positive this son was doomed to go to hell because he married this wonderful woman. She worried herself sick and ended up with dementia. So much for the comfort of her type of religion! This happened back in the days when there were no such things as counsellors that might have been able to help her nor were there a variety of prescription drugs that might have eased her anxiety (not that she could have afforded them anyway since there was no Medicare in Canada at that time). It is hard to know what prescription drugs are worth taking but I know that many of them save thousands of lives every day. Good luck in your research about lipitor but don't get too stressed about it please. :-)

My mother never took any drugs in her life, either, and it was a real struggle to get her to take blood pressure medicine when she started needing it. She has MCI now, and if she lives long enough I suppose it will progress to dementia. She's 90 now, so maybe that won't happen. A dear drug-free aunt developed dementia in her 80s. If you know 3 elderly people who have dementia and 2 in the same age bracket who don't, and all the dementia folks love chocolate ice cream and neither of the other two do, that is not enough to suggest that chocolate ice cream causes dementia. I leave that kind of thing to qualified scientists who have large populations to analyze. I noticed that the 3 big books on Amazon blaming lipitor for memory loss are all by the same authors. They are making money hand over fist on that claim. Not all claims are created equal and you need to be careful who you trust.

LUV:

It's not just the parents; caregivers go through these patches of depression too. Existential angst, stress, sickness, fear of death, feeling unappreciated or unloved, guilt, memories of the people we've mistreated, things we could've done better long ago, goals set but never accomplished, or just realizing we didn't make a difference in this world because we chose not to do anything for anyone. ... Makes you wish the Grim Reaper to takes you away in your sleep, doesn't it?

Use talk therapy to make her open up and tell you what's hurting inside. Show her that you love and care for her, and that she means the world to you.

Good luck my friend.

-- Ed

Ed, often a person with dementia can't tell you whether or not they are hungry or tired, let alone the reason for behavior like crying or flying into a rage. Sometimes they can be articulate enough to give you clues, and that can help guide your behavior. "Use talk therapy to make her open up and tell you what's hurting inside," is far easier said than done. Most of us are not trained therapists and many of our loved ones are impaired in their ability to communicate. It is a great suggestion when it applies, but it is a pretty heavy burden to lay on us sons and daughters and spouses. The other part -- show her that you love and care for her" is more within our power, and is essential. That is a perfect role for sons and daughters and spouses.

JEANNE:

Point well taken. I should've read Luv's profile before commenting. I either have positive and learning experiences, and this one is both. Thank you so much.

-- Ed

yes, this is true depression. I suffer from it, myself. crying for absolutely no reason, and then the anger I feel at crying can make me act badly toward those I love. yes, she needs medical help. not all prescription drugs for depression will make one 'hazy'. ask her if she'd rather keep crying like this or if she'd like to feel better and able to do more with her life. I know meds made a huge difference with me. now I can enjoy my grandkids, and even the caregiving tasks I have for my mother and hubby are a lot easier because I'm less likely to fall into a crying jag. People enjoy being around me more, too. No one wants to constantly comfort someone else, no matter how much they care for them. If she refuses to get medical help for her condition, then, if I were you, I would refuse to comfort. Just wait out the emotion. I had to do this with my mother, as well. After a while, she realized I wasn't going to cater to her unless she'd done everything she could to help herself, and now, with new and better meds, she is easier to deal with and more enjoyable to be around. Good luck.

LisaT, I am so glad you are getting effective help for your depression. It can be debilitating and there are treatments, and you are living evidence of the difference they can make! (I've been there, too. And even a professional talk therapist could not make me open up about what is making me sad, because chemical imbalance is what was making me sad!) I don't think this is a case that luvmom's mother is resisting medical help. She is on a medication and the doctor just says it could be increased. Maybe an increase is worth trying, if she isn't already at the max. But these kinds of drugs work differently for different people, and it would not be unusual to have to try more than one before hitting on the most effective in a given case. It helps a lot to have a doctor who takes the symptoms of dementia seriously, does not dismiss them as just part of the disease, and is willing to try different approaches to improving quality of life. I am so grateful that my husband has a fabulous behavioral neurologist and geriatrician whose goal is making whatever time hubby has left as good as it can be. Sadly, not every symptom can be banished, but we don't give up easily!

My father- in -law , due to Parkinsones, lost the ability to control his emotions and was often tearful. When this happened, he felt embarassed and humiliated, which made it worse. We learned to just let it happen and tried not to respond emotionally, knowing that the tears were not brought on by the need to be consoled.

My mother is 78 and cries uncontrollably every single day. Her doctor thinks it is depression and has prescribed a medication, but it isn't helping. It is very frustrating, but I know she can't help it. She realizes that she is doing it and then cries because she is crying.