bobbie321 Asked January 2010

My mother's friends are accusing me of abusing my mother and giving her dementia. Has anyone else had this problem?

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I'm ok and not worried now, but I bet I'm not the only one who has been abused by the dementia and abused by the 'friends' of the patient.
One of my mom's friends called last week and said in a very accusatory tone: I'm confused. your mother always did the right thing healthwise and took very good care of herself. How could she get dementia? I said, you're kidding, right? I explained that my mother's mother had it, and about 4 of my uncles had it. Part way through the explanation I realized what was going on and that i was being accused.

I have been accused of everything and the topic of vicious gossip in my Mom's little town. After 5+ years I have moved my little family back to MY hometown, Los Angeles, and our life is so much better now.

this same idiot individual also told me that 'everybody' is saying that I don't want my mom to talk to anyone. That's tough to hear because of all the unreturned phone calls that I have made to her 'friends' leaving messages for them to call or visit (when we were still in NJ). No one wanted to call or visit, just gripe about me and say things like: she's just here to take all of her mom's $ and blah blah blah.

I could have used some friends big time in the beginning of this fight but there were none. Just idiot enablers. Case in point: mom got into a massive car wreck (no one hurt except my poor mom) and I successfully got mom to realize that she couldn't drive anymore. She was 84 at the time and displaying demented behavior. 2 of her friends worked behind my back to get mom her driver's license again. They couldn't see that she was sick and their motivation was getting one over on me. They had no concept of mom hurting herself or worse, someone else. they just wanted to interfere.
these same idiots helped my demented mom hide assets so when I ran out of my own money caring for mom, I had so much stress finding the resources to continue caring for mom and her falling down real estate in need of massive repair.

These people are still morons who don't understand that mom has dementia. they think that I'm making it up. In the rare instance that they do get on the phone with her, they try to get her upset by trashing me because for so long I was the favorite topic on conversation. So yes, it really is better that she doesn't speak to her friends even though I have always put a call through if it comes.

Not one of these people has ever helped but always hindered. Not one person has ever said to me, I understand and how about if I sit with mom while you go to the store or whatever.

I have lost count of the times I have been accused, lied about....
here's one: the daughter of one of these idiots told me: I know that you tried to take your mother's money and the cops had to straighten you out.

What? These particular people still have stock certificates that belong to my mom and I have asked for them 3 times. They say that they can't find them. Mom told me in a moment of lucidity a couple of years ago that she remembered giving them the certs 'for safekeeping' not to keep forever. I guess I have to get a letter from an attorney..... these people don't understand that that money belongs to mom and not them. We all know how expensive this journey is and to be hindered by this kind of insanity is insane in and of itself.

I truly hate ignorant people.

Things are better here in sunny CA. Now my friends are saying, Yo bob! I'll hang out with your mom and the tv while you go out for an afternoon.

Now Mom likes my friends better than she likes her idiot friends anyway. My friends don't do vicious gossip and have extremely interesting lives so they always have something interesting to talk about instead of spreading lies about other people.

I am curious if anyone else out there has ever experienced such toxic interference. It was devastating at the time and cost my mom and me a lot of money, time and energy as well as almost killing my mom and who knows who else by putting her behind the wheel of a car after her car wreck.

If this happened to anyone else how did you deal with it?

I am obviously still hurt by it and amazed that people could be so stupid.

Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

Bobbie

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kathy719 Nov 2011
Actually....if you are taking care of your mother...and she has dementia...do what me and my brother did...get a power of attorney to handle your moms finances. The money goes to the care taker...and the care taker is suppose to use that money to care for the person...i.e. my mothers money buys her medications, buys her special foods she likes, buys her depends....ect. And if there is $5-$10 left LORD forbid you use it for something....I am sorry you need to go through this...its a very hard job to care for your mom...not only physically but I am having trouble dealing with the fact that mom is unable to do these things now. Tell them people to blow it out their ear and if they were friends they would try to help instead of hinder...tell them to stop lying on your or you will notify an attorney about pressing charges....they dont have to know if you are serious or not.
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imustbenuts Nov 2011
Bobbie, I have been dealing with my husbands sisters and cousins for the last 14 years. They don't come visit, rarely call, send over the counter pills in which she has to be monitored with, have called the cops on me, turned me into the office of aging, ( I just had a state trooper here yesterday), it just goes on and on. I am so sick of them because they don't call and ask us anything. Their mother has dementia and endlessly talks me down to her daughters for attentiion. It works for her cuz she tells them I'm trying to kill her, keeping her meds from her and so on. Yet not a one of them helps. But they sure know how to cause endless problems. My husband is aware of all this and his answer is " don't let them get to you"! I have my own family and I have to take care of my kids too. I am very bitter anymore towards my husbands family. My health has suffered, and my state of resentment is in overdrive. I know u can't help but for all those that have circumstances like this , my heart goes out to them. And because of it all, I would tell anyone out there " Don't Ever Take on Your husbands Mother, Especially when he has ignorant sisters. Oh and let me just add, His one sister works in a nursing home and has told us time and time again she won't take her own mother. She'd place her in a nursing home. Hows that for a so called loving daughter that can do no wrong. Also the other sister stole her dads identity 15 years ago and maxed out over 25.000 dollars. Nice hah! My mother in law still waters a flower basket her daughter sent last thanksgiving . they're deader than dead but she thinks they're beautiful. God help me cuz i don't know how much more i can take from these idiots. Thanks for ur shoulder. I'llbe crying for along time.:((((
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allshesgot Jan 2011
My mother in law used to accuse her brothers wife of causing his dementia, said its because she told him what to do all the time, and if she would let him speak his own mind and quit telling him when to go to the bathroom he would be fine. I reconized it as her compansating and taking care of him due to his progressing dementia. My mother in law was a wonderful woman, she just had denial over her brothers disease. Now a few months ago he has passed and his wife has had a stroke, and she had built her own space onto our home. After being in a nuseing home for 3 weeks she decided she cuoldnt stand it and her funds would quickly deplete and she would have nothing left in a couple of years, so since I am a c.n.a and am home now and willing to, she spent a fraction of what a year in the nursing home would have cost her and built her own small bath,small bedroom, and small living area. We have 5 kids and she never had any, so she wanted her own space. We thought what a perfect solution, we also live in a small town and were the center of all the talk and accusations. The most painful thing was, most of them came from what we thought was our friends. The weekend her room was done and she moved in I had a big blowup with the 2 women in our group of couple friends. The source, one of them who's mother was my aunts house keeper. She(the so called friend of mine) was claiming that my aunt had told her mom, that we were chrging her 500 dollars a month to live with us. It was a lie the housekeeper has denied saying it and also my aunt, and it just didn't fit. But I guess in this little circle in the senior housing apartment where my aunt had lived previous to her stroke
, which by the way, none of the people in the circle ever visited her she was all alone there. They were all just a bunch of gossipers, claiming we were only doing it for the money( what money?) And only so she would build onto our house, it was her idea. And many other things about us that were so far from the truth, I was shocked, you hear of people being accused of this, you think how awful those people are to take advantage of an elderly mom,dad,family member. you never stop and wonder if it is true. You never think someone would ever accuse you of that. Well I guess they do,and I will take more caution now in believing it when someone is accused, it may be that they are just a caring person and other people have nothing better to do than create drama. By the way the girl that started all the drama,whose mom was my aunts housekeeper,told me to my face that she had been angry with me,ever since our family moved into a bigger nicer home and out of a trailer home 3 years ago. So by my aunt adding onto it to make it bigger it pissed her off. (Jelousy and childeshness) I should have known.
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alizax Dec 2010
shame of being a lost, almost orphaned person, about five years ago, I realized she did the best she could; if I ever wanted forgiveness I better be able to give it. She immediately made me her health care p.o.a. Mom told me sister slapped her, yelled at her, scolds her and left her at the emergency room for three hours. At first I was honored because she so clearly favored my sister. But even after showing up for Mom, she started telling a long lost relative the worst thing I did when I was 15 years old--I'm 59 now, embellished it and made it sound worse--I took the family car for a joy ride. Hmmm. Then she had a fall and broke her wrist. My sister who lives 15 minutes away (I Iive 50 miles away) can't even talk to me unless she talks down to me and won't cooperate or assist because she is "too emotional to see mom like this." She's shown up once in 3 weeks, at night to drop off food when I wasn't there, but calls, grills me and clicks her tongue because she was a nurse practitioner (nurse Jackie more like it). Our family meets the dysfunctional family definition in wikipedia--perfectly. Yesterday, at Christmas, I asked sister when she would bring mom home so I could coordinate with the caregiver. She said, "that's not our problem." Writing's on the wall.
So, what do I do? Get a video camera, witnesses, an attorney, or just walk away? When I walked away before it was to save my life, but I had a nagging sadness that nobody cared. Now, it may be the best thing because I wonder why should I put myself through this, again? There was never any emotional bank balance to begin with and maybe this was just a hopeless dream to redeem a horrible experience. Now that the true care-taking is beginning, it looks like it's going to be really bad. I don't need it! It doesn't have to be this way, but it is. Maybe they deserve each other!
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NancyH Aug 2010
Bvcxz,
While you and your sisters intentions were admirable and unselfish, maybe it's time you'all DO move on. You know the saying 'familiarity breeds contempt' which is what this sounds like.
Could it be that the stress of living with someone who is so negative and mean spirited is adding to, or even causing some of your illnesses? I am so glad that you'all stuck together with taking care of her though, but now it may be time to all stick together again by moving out of her little house and leaving the negativity behind.
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bvcxz Aug 2010
Ok, please read this whole thing before you judge us. Me and my 2 sisters are taking care of our sick, elderly aunt. We loved her dearly all our lives but never had to live with her 24/7…365 days a year….so we did not know her true personality. So when she got sick and was widowed, we volunteered to take care of her. She had no one but us so at first we thought we could all 3 do it, ya know, take turns. Over time, one by one we ended up moving in with her to save her money and make sure that she did not have to go into a nursing home. We did not trust strangers to watch over her every need. Now, we are all trapped into taking care of her (because we are getting old and sick and gave up our lives to help her!). Our aunt is not rich, not by any means. She only has a small 2 bedroom house that ‘might’ be left to us. We gave up everything to take care of her because we felt so bad that she was sick and her husband had died. She was alone. NOW…My aunt constantly ridicules and criticizes one of my sister’s because of her being overweight. My sister has become overweight but she has since developed C.O.P.D., osteoarthritis (has been laid up with broken leg and foot bones twice in the past 4 years… for months at a time. The bones would not heal normally), diabetes and chronic depression. My aunt threatens us all time with kicking us out and cutting all of us out of the will if she gets mad for any reason. (ex: she gets mad if my overweight sister eats a sandwich. Quote from my aunt: “you can live off the fat you have on your gut for a month. You don’t need a sandwich.”). My other sister has developed all kinds of illnesses including autoimmune diseases, seizures, gastric tumors and other health problems. My aunt gets mad at her for being sick! I have developed health problems too and none of us know what to do. We love our aunt. No one ever talks about or mentions the kind hearted caretakers that are sometimes actually abused (usually emotionally or financially) by the people they take care of. It happens. It sounds really weird…but it happens. We are living proof. We are held hostage with threats of being kicked out. Even after leaving our jobs, giving up our own homes and sometimes (as in my case) losing my spouse of 20yrs from the stress and financial burden of trying to care of my sick elderly relative. It’s amazing how trying to take care of someone can turn into something like this. We still love her, we will always love her and we know she is not well and we all 3 pray for her every day.
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msdiva Jan 2010
ALL I WANTED TO KNOW IS WHO IS ACCUSING WHO OFMAKING THEIR MOM HAVE DEMENTIA,,I JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW IS IT YOU GIVE SOMEONE DEMENTIA? THAT IS MY QUESTION
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bobbie321 Jan 2010
?
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msdiva Jan 2010
OK TELL ME HOW DO YOU GIVE SOMEONE DEMENTIA I DNT KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT BUBBA321 THATS A QUESTION FOR UR FRIENDS TO EXPLAIN TO ME I THOUGHT IT COME FROM THE BRAIN OF MEMORY..SO TELL YOU FRIENDS TO COME ON HERE THE ONES THAT ARE ACCUSING YOU OF GIVING UY MOM DEMENTIA..AND EXPLAIN IT TO ME (HAHAHAHHA) THATS SO FUNNY THAT I REALLY FORGOT TO LAUGH
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"family is family" ha ha. how many family members are trying to sink their parent's boat and double cross the real caregiver. Wish I had a family like yours (have a few good apples, the rest are rotten).
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