I am in my early 50's and live with my mom. We have never been close and she always puts me down. How do I survive emotionally living with her?

I am in my early 50's, some disabilities physically. I live with my mother, my dad passed 12 years ago. I have 5 siblings. And one son.
My mother and I have never been close, never. She hurts, cuts, digs, and my self esteem is nothing. I am depressed and hurt and feel worthless.
I do everthing in the house, yard, etc. She is 79. I forgot that, works part time.
She is, as she feels better, the victim, poor me etc. She is mean and I cannot say I love her, there is a past to my childhood. She is so nice in front of others, never to me or her children or grandchildren. No one will help me or call or even visit, they do not want her abuse and cuts. Everone says move out. She needs me, but eve to talk to her she is upset that she is perfect, will pget mad and close her door to her room. I picked on her. She doesn't say thank you, please. She doesn't care that I hurt or get sick, just her. I am tired, so tired, and my health is going fast.

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Top Answer
We've all been there. As long as you take care of her she won't get help. It sounds like you need to move out and have her hire someone to come in to help her. I am in my early 50's also and we are to young to give up any kind of life of our own. You need to nurture yourself back to good health and part of that comes from having a life of your own. If she won't hire people to come take care of the yard, let it die. Better the yard than you.
Move out.

But everyone is already saying that to you, and something is holding you back. Do you know what that something is? Figure it out, and work on it. Then move out.

She can hire someone to do everything in the house and yard. Or she can do the things she is capable herself. She can move into Assisted Living. She has lots of choices and options. She is not dependent on you. One way or another she'll get along just fine if you move out.

Are you getting some counselling? Between having phyiscal disabilities, a lousy childhood, and torturous living situation you definitely deserve some therapy!

Get therapy. Figure out what is holding you back. Remove that obstacle. Move out.

Good luck!
dear Want to have a life,
Oh sweetie, it's hard to say that for yourself, you deserve a life and not one full of verbal abuse. Are you financially able to move out? If not can you work towards that.? Or can you make more space between you and mom when she is there? how about playing with her mind, next time she says a hurtful thing, say well, I love you, you don't have to mean it. But I know there is some love in there or you would of left long ago. you mentioned physical disibilities, can you get assistance if you moved out? there is a lot to do if you deceide you have to get away from the abuse. I think you have made a good first step by just making your post here. hopefully somebody will give just the right answer that will help you in your delima. loving nurturing parents of us 50 somethings are hard to come by. most of the people i know didn't have touchy- feeley- kind hearted parents. my parents grew up with abuse, and tough times, so it was how they knew to raise us. the younger generation is lucky to have parents that had fianally got a clue, we should love our children no matter what.

let us know what happens, I care
To most of us who read your post, the obvious answer is: MOVE out.
But we also realize that while it seems an easy response from us, it never is an easy answer for those who see themselves STUCK.
Not knowing much about your situation, my first question is: Do you live in your mother's home or does she live in yours?
If it is her home - do you have the means to move out and live on your own?
I yes, then start figuring out the steps to do that and move. If your mother needs some help from you, you can possibly move nearby. Tell her that you are moving and that any help from you will depend on her behavior. If she gets abusive - simply walk out while you tell her you'll be back once she can behave herself. Be firm, stick to it.
With the low self esteem you have, you might need a support base. Find support. Possibly hire somebody who will come with you when with your mother. If she behaves well with strangers, at least she will not nag you. If she does, it is the hired help's job to be supportive of you and tell your mother that she overstepped her boundaries and that you and the help are walking out. Then do it. It might only take a few visits before mom catches on and before you get enough backbone to do it (walk out) even without help.

If you live with your mother and see no way how you can live on your own, I guarantee, there is a way once you get desperate enough.
One way to help you figure out what you can do, I suggest this trick:
Get a piece of paper, fold it lengthwise so you now have 2 slim pages.
on the first slim page write a heading like: 1) Reasons why I stay living here, on the other half write: 2) Reasons why I must move out of here.
Then write on each of them at least 20 reasons as fast as you can. Don't stop with Reason 1 until at least 20, then turn to reason 2 and write as fast as you can and find those reasons. (be frank, don't worry what you write, only you will see it. You can flush it afterward, or burn it.)
Next, can be later in the day or next day, look at those reasons and see which are the most compelling. Do you still feel a need to stay or is the "move" more powerful?
Once that is done, again get paper, fold and write questions about those decisions. example if move: 1. what can I do now toward moving? and write 20 things you can do to focus on the moving. Once that done, look at those answers and find the one or several which will help you toward moving. Keep on refining those steps.
If your answer is not to move, then write down in similar fashion things you can do that will empower you to take back your life.
I guarantee you, that once you do these kinds of "exercises" you will feel so empowered. A great book that might help you is one called "100 Ways to Motivate Yourself" by Steve Chandler. It has 100 very short tip with empowering explanations - you read that and work your way through the suggestions and you'll never be the same.
One more thing, and another member touched on it: Envision yourself in a good relationship with your mother. See before your mental eye how your ideal mother would behave and how ideally you will respond. Do that when you wake up, when you go to sleep and especially when your mother is at her worst - shift your attitude to what the ideal would be like. I really works.
Wishing you all the best.
Margarete
It seems to me you're getting something out of staying there, do you feel you deserve this behavior from her, do you want better, sounds like your mom can take care of herself, now it's time to take care of yourself. Take everyones advice, Move out, or don't complain.And get some help for yourself

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