How can I continue to live with and care for my step-father-in-law when he constantly grosses me out?

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My Step Father in Law is who I am the caregiver for. We moved in with him 18 months ago. He's getting more and more obnoxious, to the point I can't even stand the sound of his voice, the sound of his walker, squeaking through the room, or his smelly backside as he walks by me to sit (all day long) in his smelly chair watching TV. (full blast I might add)

My husband is gone more and more from work and leaves the care of this guy up to me.
He is 87 years old and acts like the world owes him everything. He wants non-stop attention, thinks everything he says I should laugh at. Nothing he says is funny anymore. I've heard all the stories I care to hear and I just want to get out of here. I want my life back, I want my own home back, etc. I know I can't go backwards and change what my husband decided was best for his step father. It's not best for me!!! I feel like I'm losing it a lot of the time, like I'm going to just blow up at G-Pa one of these days and tell him how I feel. Yet the part of me that says "respect your elders" won't let me. It's affecting my health now.

When "G-Pa" leaves the bathroom I'm afraid to look in there. (yes there's only one bathroom in this 87yr old house) He leaves poo on the bathroom sink, toilet, and tile floor and the little throw rug in front of the sink. And he leaves water on the floor. He never has the common decency to turn around after doing his business and check to see if he left anything behind. AND, he never washes his hands!!

I could go on for hours about what I can't stand about this guy, but I don't want to bore you all to tears.

I am normally a loving, forgiving, patient, person. My relatives say they would have left the first time this stuff happened. But I've been married to the same guy for 43 years. His biggest fault is though he listens to what I say when I tell him about his step father HE DOESN'T HEAR ME!!! Or, he just doesn't give a darn. :-( What am I going to do?? I am SO angry lately, I could just SCREAM!!!

Help. Any suggestions anyone?

Cara6108

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I think it's hard enough when you have to take care of someone you have a deep affection towards but when it is someone that isn't your family and you don't have a bond with, it must be 10X harder.
Tell your husband that he needs to HELP you find step dad an assisted living spot so that you can enjoy the rest of your lives together. If he doesn't wake up and help you out you may not be there when he needs you to wipe his nose so he needs to help you take care of his step dad.
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CARA:

He sounds like one of those Halloween nightmares you can't wake up from. ... And I agree with these ladies' comments. Girls wanna have fun too, so take a break from the grossness and let hubby take care of business for a change. For now, take your house back by asking the old man why he smells like he wants to be alone. ... Nothing like a new start; fresh as the Spring and seeing eye to eye.
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carat, I think you're more mad at your husband then you care to admit to yourself. Hubby needs to step up and take care of his wife, and if that means putting step dad in asst living, adult foster care or just hiring someone to come in and help you take care of him, he ought to do it. Time for you to take yourself a little breather vacation away and give hubby a taste of what it's like for you at home. Make it on a weekend when your husband is at home to get away. And when/if you talk to your husband about this, be specific as to what you're needing at home while he escapes to work. Men don't do well with generalities.
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I believe lilliput said it all. Great advice all around.

Now you must find the will to act. It can be hard. Maybe you will have to be creative to start the process, tell a white lie or enlist a trusted family member? Get a call that you are needed elsewhere for a weekend that will 'force' the issue by leaving your husband to care for HIS dad?
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I would highly recommend taking a vacation with your girlfriends and leave the hub to take some vacation time or family leave and take care of G-pa for a week. Many men are quick to volunteer for caregiving duties because they know that THEY will not be the direct caregiver. The reason he doesn't listen to you is because he knows that you do not have an alternative and, therefore, he is not taking you seriously.
So, the first thing you need to do is make a list of things you can and cannot do or that need to change. Start getting information about ALFs in the area and go visit them. Then narrow them down to two or three and hand the info. to the hub.
If G-pa is a veteran there are benefits that pay for his care. Get some in-home care that G-pa pays for. Have the aide bathe him at least twice a week and hire a cleaning company.
The one thing you cannot do is let this go any further. It is okay to come here to vent - we all do, but you need to take action and it has to start with the hub being on board with you.
Your environment sounds gross and G-pa is not helping at all. If he is unable to take care of his own hygiene, either the hub needs to clean up after him or he needs to live in a setting where it is done for him.
Act now.
good luck...Lilli
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