mockingbird3 Asked July 2011

I had an argument with my mom about her living in an Assisted Living Facility. Am I a bad person or selfish for thinking that Assisted Living is best for her?

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I hope I'm not the only one in this circumstance that has gone through this but yesterday my mother and I had an argument. She is in a ALF and is not too happy about that, but I don't feel she can safely be on her own, like she thinks. When her mean personality comes out, which is offen and only towards me, she like to threaten me about moving in with my older sister and her family. She is one of a kind all in herself and I feel could not handle our mom either. She tends to get way stressed out about little things and lets my mom be in charge. Anyway out of 4 other siblings I am the only one (I have POA) trying my best to make mom happy. I do everything and anything that I can. I'm not going to let my physical and mental health take a toll not to mentioned my marriage. She just doesn't understand my feelings, she is very selfish. She has this mean spirited way about herself towards other people when in public, sometimes I hate being with her in public, it can be embarassing. She has always been like that. I know she is my mom, but sometimes I really don't like her. Am I the only one in this circumstance that goes through this? I hope not. Am I a bad person? Instead of vising her today my husband and I will go on a hike, it helps clear my head. I would appreciate any feed back, whether good or bad. Help.

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Sounds to me like you've really got your act together -- taking care of yourself, not just your mom. You're also being rational, and she is not (although that may not be intentional on her part.)

As TRO (The Responsible One of your siblings), you are taking on a huge long-term job. Preserving your own life and health and happiness is just as important as your mom's. Someday when all is said and done, you can look back and realize without a doubt that you are doing the best for everyone.

Keep up the great work!
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jeannegibbs Jul 2011
A bad person? Sounds to me like you are a caring person who is realistic about what you can and cannot do, and about what you can expect from your mother and your other family members, and what is best under the circumstances.

There is one thing I think you are not being realistic about, though. You say "I am the only one trying my best to make mom happy." As you are probably discovering, you cannot make her happy if she opts not to be. And you are not responsible for her happiness. That is a hard reality to face. We tend to want to "make" our spouses happy, or to "make" our children happy, or to "make" our parents happy. But in reality all we can do is present opportunities for others to decide to be happy. If mom don't wanna be happy, ain't nothin you can do to "make" her. Sigh.

Keep on caring. Keep on being good to your mother, and yourself, and your husband. And take responsibility for your own happiness.

Good luck!
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Jam Jul 2011
May I call you sams? Your mother sounds exactly like my mil. I take care of her in her own home, but it is attached to our home, which still gives her a little independence. We are the "meanies" because we are the ones who set the limits and the ones to say "no". Which to the demented mind is not acceptable. I assume Mom has some form of dementia when you say her mean personality comes out. No one wants to admit that they now have limitations on what they can and cannot do and in the demented mind they are just as capable today as they were 20 yrs ago. You have POA and it doesn't sound like that will change unless your mother convinces one of your siblings to change it, but I have a feeling that won't happen. You have already realized that her threats are empty. And good for you that you will not allow her to destroy your mental and physical health. She doesn't understand your feelings because she is incapable of doing that. If she is just generally mean, there is nothing you can do to change that. But I would get her a check-up with her doctor to see if there is something else going on that is making her more aggressive than normal. And I would also have any medication she is on evaluated.....sometimes the meds stop working the way they did in the beginning and may need to be "tweaked". I just went through that with my mil......she spent 10 days in a behavioral unit only to find out that we had the wrong diagnosis and thus the wrong medications. She is now "awake" and functioning better than she has in a long time.
Are you the only one going through this? Oh absolutely not!!!! Are you a bad person? Again no, you are human. Nothing says you have to see your mother every day or every other day, see her when you feel that you can have a nice visit and won't be stressed out by her behavior. And if she starts to act out, get up, kiss her goodbye and tell her you will see her in a couple of days. You are not alone in this situation. If you would like, come over to The Caregiver....How are YOU thread......you will make a lot of friends who are in the same type of situation as you and you can have the freedom to talk about what is happening with yourself and mom.

Take care and Hugz to you,
Jam
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