My siblings only visit my dad on holidays and one even said it would be a "burden" for them to visit him once a week. How can I get them to visit more often?

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Hiya reenyz,

quite honestly.. you cant.. you can try talking to them and telling them that its beneficial to your father etc.. or you need a break and need someone to help you out, but in the long run.. they'll either do it or not...i know thats disheartening, but its the sad truth..maybe you can take your dad to see them? I dont know your situation so im just throwing that out there..

sit and talk to them all and try to come up with a solution!! once a week might be too much for one.. but im sure at least there can be a "more often".....

Best Wishes!
Dear you should hire someone now before it gets to be too much for you. Maybe someone can come in one day a week.

Don't count on deadbeat sibblings, if they haven't offered to help you yet, it won't get any better. However know that the more you do, the less they will.

Check around I'm sure there are agencies where you can interview people. You do deserve a break.

Hope this helps.
Top Answer
Are you looking for a visit or help with care? Are you concerned that your father is unhappy because they don't visit?
It is their loss - I feel sorry for them with that attitude.
As for your father, he may be sorry they don't visit, but older people have a different perspective and it probably does not bother him as much as it bothers you. I agree with the others who have written - don't keep your hopes up that you can change your siblings. Be glad you have the generous spirit you have.
You can't.
I feel this may go a bit deeper than visiting dad now... maybe someday they will regret not taking the time.

Do you live closer than siblings? Were you always closer to dad than they?

Sometimes what goes around comes around in family relationships. There are always two sides to the situation.

Step into their shoes... you may find the answers.

One thing assured when your father dies, you will find comfort knowing you did the best you could... you tried... and you can not control the actions of others... it is on their shoulders.
reenyz:
You can always use GUILT . 'It's the gift that keeps on giving.'.. Lord knows that many of the people that I have been reading about on this website, have had it used on them enough. Seems to work fine to keep them doing someone else's will. So maybe you ought to ask them how to play the 'guilt card' more effectively. I'm no good with subtleties like playing the guilt card. I'm more of a "Get over here and see your father before he dies. You lazy, selfish, ungrateful person!" See? Now that, I understand :)
ha ha ha. Many threads about deadbeat siblings. Don't they know how much you suffer and sacrifice? Surely if they knew they would pitch in and relieve you of some of the burden? ha ha ha.

You'll find that deadbeats have a lot of rights, starting with the right to be as close as they want to be. And if that means they call every six months and say "Hi MOM!" and that's it, then that is the relationship they choose. And that's their right, to be deadbeats.

One of my three sisters did get guilted to the Light Side, after about six years of distance because of resentment and anger at how Mom treated sis's jerky husband. However, on these forums, you will rarely hear of a sibling who can be persuaded to help and "do more." The family that works like a team is rarer than hen's teeth. Good luck.
Reenyz I do have a question for you:

How would you treat them if they came. Since they don't spend that much time there, do you think you would display any resentment towards them for being absent so much?



Actions speak louder than words;when someone doesn't care, they just don't care. Now that my father is gone the siblings can find alot of time to get there [rightful] inheritance. COULDN'T FIND TIME TO VISIT,CALL OR HELP.Even though they are doing what they can to cause misery,I feel sorry for them.



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Ok, here's an idea, but it means more for YOU to do, already burdened as you are. But perhaps this could be a nudge to get them more involved. Realistically, they now feel pretty distant from your mom as she shows signs of deterioration. Most people don't know how to be around someone of diminished capacity. So help your siblings out.

You call them to set up a conversation. You tell them what your mother did that day so they can inquire directly, "heard you saw Sesame Street today and laughed at Elmo and Mr. Noodles." Or, "did you enjoy the new yogurt you've been having for breakfast?"

They have to carry the load of the conversation from now on, and might be lucky to get a YES/NO answer, or a laugh. Both of my nieces know how to make Mom laugh, and they are very "hugs and kissy" over the phone, and in person also.

This is something else you can do, cheating. Get a bunch of funny greeting cards and stamp and address them to your mom. Send to the siblings and have them write lovey dovey stuff inside, even if it's "when I saw this card, I thought you'd enjoy it. The squirrel reminds me of the time blah blah."

There are many things I do like this for the relatives who DO care, but it might also work on the ones who don't, and perhaps get them more comfortable being around your mother. It's amazing how low the threshold is for when abandonment kicks in. Could be as early as the time when car keys are taken away, or when someone has to pay bills for them. Perhaps they don't know that another dozen years or more of meaningful life is ahead of them, meaningful if someone else cares enough to generate meaning and connections, that is.

Myself, I work with the sincere relatives in this way so they can have more meaningful encounters, but have "disowned" the two thieving deadbeats and their toadies. (Love that word. It's almost worth having a toady connected to the deadbeat sister just so I can use the word!) A toady is someone who does the grunt work, the snitching, the dirty work, someone who delivers messages on behalf of the deadbeat so the deadbeat doesn't have to face reality...a kisserupper to the bully.






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