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i am going thru the samething. my father is 81 yrs old and in a nursing home. the sweetest man in the world. It is only me and my sister and 3 of the grandchildren are grown. I am the only one that wants and cares enough to visit several times a week to let him know just because he is elderly and in a nursing home that i still love him and think of him. It hurts me so bad when he ask about why my sister doesnt come and when i try to talk to her she gets mad. I dont understand. I know how you feel.
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Seems like my sister doesn't want me to come around however my mom does. Oh the care giver seems to be bothered a bit by my visits as well but who really cares. Problem with that is when you stay away for a while those darn care givers will treat your loved ones any kind of way. Not us children, I'm talking about the paid "help".

Can you tell I'm a little bothered by my moms care giver?
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Wonder how typical our experiences are out there with the other 47 million family caregivers.
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There is nothing you can do except not to say I told you so when the person passes away and it usually does not bother the parent if the adult children do not come around if they like that child they will forgive them it is the caregiver that usually gets steped all over-I see it in my family I have talked to one brother so much about visiting our Mother and now I just save my breath.
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There is such a document with the courts...that you relinquish all to a court apointed guardianship.
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Well you can't pick your family, its a good job we can pick our friends. And you got all of us.
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She does not remember anything even right after it happens. I seldom mention The Two Deadbeats, except if there is a photo mom touches, then I'll say their names.

Mom didn't seem to know who she was, though sister was friendly...and Mom will kiss just about anyone off the street. Mom was taking a nap when sister arrived, and sister visited at bedside. I ran quickly to the bank machine and came back, Mom was having a little fit, anxious about this stranger here trying to hold her hand. Anyway, she was blithering about letting her sleep, and then blithered in her sleep.

I rarely mention the two deadbeats, though admit I let out a few insults when things get rough around there. the "nobody ever helps me" rant, but even then I don't mention their names. They are NO THINGS to me now.

I often reinforce the names and photos of the supportive relatives, recycle their greeting cards with bogus new envelopes and phoney stamps. For the two good nieces, we sometimes visit via webcam.

Oh, of course I have a blog about that from a few weeks ago.,..

http://whendoesthegladstart.blogspot.com/2010/02/webcam-moms-favorite-video-user-herself.html
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It's the reckoning, I loved that when it was said in "Tombstone" cause it really is.

Was your mom glad to see her, and did she know who she was? Did you guys talk about her visit.

Which brings me to another question. I use to talk about my sister to my mom, after she got sick. Then one day I realized I was putting too much xtra stress on mom and I stopped. Did you ever do that?
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The sister had not called or visited since August 1, Mom's birthday. She did, however, with the other deadbeat sister, challenge my caregiving caringness (or whatever!) via the public guardian last fall. Yeah, like they care. The gist of this was that I had no RIGHT to make demands from those two on behalf of my mother (ie, to pay back the money one of them stole). Then it dawned on me that I had the right to feel about them however I wanted based on what they have done to me and cause me.

However, this deadbeat has always bragged that she was the ONLY one who loved mom, and proved it with oversize bouquets, mylar balloons (what next, one that sings opera...yep, she found one and Wagner at that!), and presents that I would have to return: A passive agressive way of getting back at me.

She recently had a rough series of health and relationship disasters, and being unemployed for a few years. So, I gave her a little break when she was a jerk about scheduling (she is under the Public Guardian's thumb for this, but it doesn't do any good.). Finally I told her that her jerking us off about changing her visiting days and hours impacted my sister's visit (she changed her day to accomodate sister's wishes), and my whole day was focused on The VIsit. Then she cancelled. I was going to call the PG and suggest she post a cash bond, payable to ME when she was late or screwed up (again and again.)

So, she apparently "got it" and came when she first scheduled. She did not bring any one else. I think chiding letters from her daughter and her other sister perhaps finally made her realize that this was not to be a "get Carol's goat" endeavor. This was life and death.

For Valentine's Day she sent me a computer generated card that said I had a heart of gold and I took so good care of Mom...then I wanted to puke. Give me a break! So many times she's literally tried to sabotage the PG's rules, and to sink me at hearings.

Nevertheless, she as deadbeat DAUGHTER has a perfect legal right to see her mother. Who knows, she may disappear for another six months.

This change in seeing her mother and being genuinely helpful and attentive does not let her off the hook for eight years of giving me hell. There will be a reckoning one day for what she's done to ME (and by inference Mom).
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I'm with you Lilliput. Cannot begin to understand how an adult child can turn their back like they do. A VISIT, a simple VISIT is too much for them?? Please!! They don't even bother to ask how things are going--maybe its 'easier' for them if they don't know. I guess its true what they say about responsibility falling on those who can handle it.
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alz did this visit happen recently? if so I'm happy you're getting some help. What on God's earth happened to make your sister have that turn around, even if she did bring her loud and no good kids :)

Lilly I am with you on the visits. What will it hurt? It can only help plus one needs to know what's really going on with their parents. I know I need to know.
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There is no one on the planet that enjoys seeing one's parents decline. It isn't pretty. But you can imagine what it must be like for the folks who are experiencing it.
I will NEVER figure out how people can just turn their backs on their loved ones....even if they are not asked to be a caregiver - just visit once and awhile.
The years go by so fast and the time to show your love for someone is right now.
I cannot figure it out...maybe there are two camps of people: those who care and those who could not care less. I can't imagine just looking the other way and leaving my mom to care for herself....geeeezzz!
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Let me know how it goes. The good news here is that one of my deadbeat sisters is coming over from The Dark Side. After squirreling around about actually coming, breaking agreement to come, jerking around the dates so my sister had to change HER day to come (then deadbeat cancelled coming at all)...she finally DID show up, had a genuine no BS visit with Mom, was attentive to her level of disabilities...and actually raked the yard when Mom wanted to sleep. And Mom had a little fit while taking a nap and sister dealt with that ok. She usually surrounds herself with her loud grown daughter and her do-nothing teen son to distract from the fact that her mother is ... like ... dying braincell by braincell in front of her eyes. this time she came alone and faced the music, so to speak.

At this point, I'll take what I can get.

She's still not off the DEADBEAT list, but perhaps now that she's experienced the 24/7 amount of attention Mom takes, she'll be less of a total jerk.
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Wow! There's a good idea to be explored! Never heard of that before but asking them to commit might be just what is necessary to make them realize how they are acting. Good one AlzCaregiver!
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I wonder if there is a "wash my hands of my parents" legal document, perhaps it need be only a few sentences typed up and notarized, such as

"As of this date _______________, I relinquish all rights and obligations pertaining to visiting and the care of my elderly parents (names). These decisions could include (but not be limited to) treatment options, end of life decisions, placement in nursing home or other residence change, caregiver selection, administration and disposal of estate and property, and in-person/mail/phone visiting. I also relinquish all claims to monetary and property inheritance." ha ha ha.

Maybe if the deadbeats get a letter like this with instructions to get it signed and notarized, or visit the person with the document, and insist they go to notary with you, it might be a reality check for them. Hey, maybe they'd actually sign it, or be guilt ridden enough to change.

This "deadbeat rights" thing has got to stop.
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Reenyz: I walk in your shoes as well! My sib has never visited my Mom since she came to live near us. Years ago, he was happy to take money from her and use whatever he needed. Now, he "just can't make it out" here to see her.
I am sad for two reasons: Mom would like to see him and I have no other family members to bounce my ideas of off. I am left to second guess every serious decision I have to make. I am capable of doing it but it would be so much easier with some input.
However, I agree with all...you cannot force someone to care. This time in life, when parents are aging and need care, seriously reveals everyones true colors. Some step up...some step way back.
I think the proactive solution is to forget about the sibs...if they come great, if not, so be it. Find a local caregiver so you can have some respite. Mostly, do not waste anymore energy on non-interested sibs.
good luck.....
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I have no siblings so I don't know how it feels to be left to be the caregiver and no one else wants to step up. But it will be in their own conscience that they choose to be a part of it or not. Was there something that caused a rift? Or are they just selfish?
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Good for you, Reenyz! We can't change how others act or think, but we can change how we deal with it -- You've got
the right idea! Continued good luck. Keep up the deep breaths and counting to ten and know you are not alone. You are doing the right thing. And - I believe our parents know it even if we don't see that!
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again, thank you all so much for responding to my question. looks like I'm in good company. :) Lets just all be proud of ourselves for not being deadbeats. Not sure how some people can go thru life not doing what they're supposed to do, but that is THEIR burden to carry, not ours.
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Let me ask you this.... how far do the live from his home?

My DH and I live in the northeastern US, while my FIL lives in western Canada. My DH's brother and sister and their spouses live in my FIL's home province - one is only 30-45 minutes (by car or sky train) away and the other 4 hours by car or 30 minutes by commuter flight.

My DH and I used to fly out to see my FIL, twice a year for 14 days each time. (That's not including the 2 days for travel to and from!) When his condition worsened, we increased that to 3x a year for 20 days, each time. (My DH stays 14 days, but I stay the extra week.)

In any case, the family still thinks that's NOT ENOUGH!

And, yes... just in case you're wondering... we help pay for my FIL's care. In fact, we probably pay more than the others. (I may explain that some other time...)
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tenn , i learned that if a parent wants to knock one of the siblin out on inhert they have to leave them one dollar so they cant fight that in court ...
court will say well they left ya one dollar !!! so what does that tell ya ???
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amen !! when my husband had to have an open heart i ask my sister if she could sit with pa while me and my kids goes up to hospital on the day of operation , she said oh i have bad back and i dont know anything about cleaning pa s private area . i was floored ! i couldnt speak to her after that . she had takin pa s money for whatever she needed and couldnt work to repay it back . i am so sick to my stomach !
my sweet ex sis in law says oh i ll come and sit with pa , !! bless her heart ! i love her !!! she stayed a whole week so i could sit up there with my husband and so my daughters could go to work ,,
and my sis finaly waited a whole week to ask me how is my husband , i didnt want to talk to her but i did , just to be nice , pa says to be nice , uhhhhh...
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Have had the hardest time understanding how one sibling is tagged to be caretaker and the others take a powder.
I was incensed my sis didn't help with either parent, tho she lives across the country, she could've contributed in some way. I thought about it, my sister never visited mom or dad whenever they were in the hospital, not ever. She'd only fly to see them if it suited her, not if they asked her to come. She flew to see dad when he had a near fatal heart attack and waited 6 yrs to fly back . . . to his funeral. She didn't want to help. Last yr I asked her how she sleeps at night, still waiting for an answer.
I agree with the others, you can't make your sibs visit or do what is right. They don't think like you do. It's not fair. For what it's worth and it's worth a lot to me, being able to lay my head on the pillow at night and know that I did the best I could, brings peace. Sis is on her own in that area.
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had trouble logging in so don't know if my previous responses were posted. I can't thank you all enough for responding to my question....not quite the answers that I hoped for, but it makes me feel better to know that others are/have gone thru something similiar. thank you all so much for responding.
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He"s a so and so alright. BIG TIME.
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I'm sorry your brother a greedy so and so. You shore can't pick your family. Would't that be fun.
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My brothers exact wrds were "you chose to do what you do and I chose to do what I do"[which was nothing} My father chose to knock my brother out of inheritance because of his choice of not coming around,now my brother has chosen to get a lawyer and play the victim to get his inheritance by any means possible.This boy did not even come to his own fathers funeral.

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As much as we'd like we can't make other do as we would like them to. Some people visit some don't. Each of us have a path to follow
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Ok, here's an idea, but it means more for YOU to do, already burdened as you are. But perhaps this could be a nudge to get them more involved. Realistically, they now feel pretty distant from your mom as she shows signs of deterioration. Most people don't know how to be around someone of diminished capacity. So help your siblings out.

You call them to set up a conversation. You tell them what your mother did that day so they can inquire directly, "heard you saw Sesame Street today and laughed at Elmo and Mr. Noodles." Or, "did you enjoy the new yogurt you've been having for breakfast?"

They have to carry the load of the conversation from now on, and might be lucky to get a YES/NO answer, or a laugh. Both of my nieces know how to make Mom laugh, and they are very "hugs and kissy" over the phone, and in person also.

This is something else you can do, cheating. Get a bunch of funny greeting cards and stamp and address them to your mom. Send to the siblings and have them write lovey dovey stuff inside, even if it's "when I saw this card, I thought you'd enjoy it. The squirrel reminds me of the time blah blah."

There are many things I do like this for the relatives who DO care, but it might also work on the ones who don't, and perhaps get them more comfortable being around your mother. It's amazing how low the threshold is for when abandonment kicks in. Could be as early as the time when car keys are taken away, or when someone has to pay bills for them. Perhaps they don't know that another dozen years or more of meaningful life is ahead of them, meaningful if someone else cares enough to generate meaning and connections, that is.

Myself, I work with the sincere relatives in this way so they can have more meaningful encounters, but have "disowned" the two thieving deadbeats and their toadies. (Love that word. It's almost worth having a toady connected to the deadbeat sister just so I can use the word!) A toady is someone who does the grunt work, the snitching, the dirty work, someone who delivers messages on behalf of the deadbeat so the deadbeat doesn't have to face reality...a kisserupper to the bully.
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Actions speak louder than words;when someone doesn't care, they just don't care. Now that my father is gone the siblings can find alot of time to get there [rightful] inheritance. COULDN'T FIND TIME TO VISIT,CALL OR HELP.Even though they are doing what they can to cause misery,I feel sorry for them.



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