Am I making the wrong decision to want to care for my mother at home?

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I'm thinking of bringing my mother to live with my family within the next month. She is currently in assisted living, but is alone most of the time, other than eating her meals in the dining room. This will be HUGE for me -- I have always been free to come and go as I please. Even though she is by herself now for hours at a time, I will be responsible for her 24/7. I am the only child in town. My husband is open for having her move here, but does not want to become a babysitter. I will look into adult day care nearby. Am I making the wrong decision to want to care for her at home?

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Its very hard to look after someone with dementia 24/7 you really need to look at all your options what you can and cant afford you will need outside help and daycare so id really investigate everything before you make your mind up and its good your husband is ok with her moving in
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BrendaLynn, very good eye :-).

Obviously more awake than I was when I saw the question.
i felt regardless, Alzheimer;'s in my case is a disease that only has more people affected by in since 2009. I really wish there was a treatment plan. I love care giving, and I am such an inform gatherer, and I know this post was not about that, it was about her father moving back in. Whom knows the situation.

Thanks for allowing me to state my opinion however.

Have a peaceful day this 8th of June 2014.
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Hi there, I noticed this question was from 2009, but was bumped back to the top of the list. Let us know what you decided!!! I would love to hear the outcome of such an old post!!
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good answer momof5202014
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I will be brutal but honest.
First, what is the condition? If it is old age, and there is nothing truly wrong with her, then that is one answer.
If it is Alzheimer's or Dementia that is another answer.
If it is anywhere between that is the third answer.

First, if it is just plain old age, which is very hard to find these days. People have baggage and older people do need attention, and if you are used to coming and going as you please 24/7 and you are married to someone whom says and this is a huge huge red flag (not negative, just a red flag), ∫does not want to become a babysitter!!!! WARNING… DO NOT DO IT..

1. REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANSWER TO WHAT QUESTION, YOU WILL BECOME YOUR MOTHER'S MOTHER.
2. YOU WILL REVERSE ROLES.
3. YOUR HUSBAND, UNLESS 100% ONBOARD WILL FEEL RESENTMENT.
4. IF THERE ARE EVEN SIMPLE DEMANDS ON YOU FROM HIM, WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT, HIM OR YOUR MOTHER.
5. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY ADULT DAY CARE? THAT IS A 6 HOUR DAY, ONE DAY A WEEK, AND $50.00 PER CLASS. THAT LEAVES 24 X 7 DAYS A WEEK MINUS SIX HOURS TO HAVE YOUR MOTHER.

I am answering in a negative, because in the spirit of the way you answered it, I firmly saw that if you were not married you would do this in a heart beat.

1. DOES YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE.
2. COME AND GO, SHE WILL WANT TO HAVE MEALS TOGETHER.

I tried this with my mother and father 8 years ago, and I lost my career, almost my marriage, and my mother and father ended up not speaking to each other. It was a disaster.

Remember, this is one persons point of view. I know many many people out there, that regardless of the situation would NEVER put their mother/father in assisted living.

These are the benefits.

First off, where is she where she is ALONE?
My mother has Alzheimer's and this is the best world she has lived in her 87 years of life, truly.
They have activities that they choose to go to 5 hours a day. The activities very from day to day. Each day is different.

There are three meals served a day. I gained 30 pounds by cooking 3 square meals because my father would not stop pestering me. I am 54 and would love to be anorexic now (that is a sick statement, but let me talk).

2. Alzheimer's or Dementia.

Put in a good home. Period end of conversation. Why? Because, if you do love them, you will put them with people that they can relate to and can communicate with.

There is nothing more uncomfortable for an Alzheimer person that another person to ask them what they did at 11:00am, when it is 5:30pm, or, how about Sunday at noon, we go to the museum? That means to the Alzheimer patient, we are getting in the car and going to the museum.

Answer; Assisted Living, for them and their dignity.

If it is between the two.

Is your mother ambulatory. Can she walk? If she cannot, put her in a home, they have the Physical Therapy, and she can use that anytime.

I may sound hardened, but I am thinking of the client.

I am the one that is the mother that has lived with my daughter, and it was a horrible experience. I cannot wait until the day when i move out into assisted living. I have always lived on a low budget, but it is not fair for me, and the brain disease that I have to subject my daughter and son in law to that.

I am married. I am 87 years old. I was diagnosed about 7 years ago. My daughter is typing this, and I am looking. I don't really comprehend what she is saying, but she thought that this question was important. My kids have been there far too much for their father and me. Because I have a disease that is hard to live with, and I mean very hard. I get excited and confused and do not make sense, and take hours to fold a napkin, and like to be by myself. I give my husband much grief every time I see him and I don't know the reason why.

I am saddened to see what these diseases are doing to our families. This wasn't happening to other families. I want people out there to know that I do not want to ruin any one's life and I want them MY FAMILY to have their peace and happiness. I am happy in my assisted living. I live in a one bedroom by myself. I barely recognize my husband and that is very hard. I at times, think I am married, but wonder why. What is marriage.
My husband lives with my daughter and her husband.
We have a beautiful empty home that no one lives in because my husband had an eye issue. As you can see our families plate is full.

To top it off, before I was diagnosed with this, our daughter's whom have always been close, the middle one decided to cut the younger one out of everything, and it has crushed their father and I. Father does not have any guts to tell them that this will not be tolerated.

So, I have rambled, and my daughter has typed in the words, as i walk around in a nervous jitter, and the honest answer is, keep me (your mother) in assisted living. I am (she is) not alone. Look for a different one if you do not like that one. What are her issues? Obviously she has something otherwise it would be a no brainer. The elderly when their minds are together, and they are polite and not sick, can live with daughters and sons, but that will be very boring for all.

We like to have fun too. Just because I am 87 doesn't mean I am half in the grave.

I like to be around people my age. I have issues and my brain is dying. I know it is killing my husband. It creates all sorts of psychotic issues with me, which are hard for any of my family to see.

I hope I have answered your question, and remember, this is just one person't out of a million OPINION. Let GO and LET LOVE!!!

Woman that was hit with Alzheimer's at 65 years old!!!! Now 87
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I just wanted to say that after reading your post it greatly spoke to me and my situation in many parts. You were there.....I have said to people....I want to be with her when she passes , I do not want her alone or scared....I want the last thing she remembers from here to be of my arms around her or holding her hand...it is a privledge to be there....and even though I know it is going to be hard....somehow deep down I know it will be worth it .
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Yes, I think you should take your mom in and take care of her. At least try. We are all human and a person can only take so much. You may find that you will be glad you did after she is gone.
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Family is something that was created by God. God is very strong in his word about family and how we should treat each other.

Your house with your husband/wife and your children. You are not to let them suffer in anyway that you can help them. The same goes for your father and your mother, sisters and brothers. Your are respondisble for there well being. Helping them if they need food, clothing and if one is sick you are to help take care of them. Parents are to be taken care of in their old age. The bible is very clear on this and notes that the responsibility falls on the children.

Instructing your children at an early age will be the way they treat you when they become an adult. Children are to honor their parents - this will give them a long life on earth. Honoring your parent does not stop after you become an adult. This is for life. Your children will pick up on how you treat your parents and that is how they will treat you.
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Newatthis, I hope you are still reading this thread and it has helped you come to a decision. There is another similar discussion going on, check out "needing to vent". Good luck, and remember no matter what you decide, we are all here if you need to talk.
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Ultimately, nobody will be able to answer your question but yourself. I would advise careful thought, weigh the advantages and motivations for having your mom live with you. Then, consider the changes it will bring to your life and the lives of others in your home. Bringing an frail elder parent into your own home has the potential for bringing everyone closer together or tearing you all apart. Just make certain you have enough support to allow you some respite from caregiving, some time to be yourself, time to pursue your own interests, and time to attend to the rest of your family. Adult day health centers, private home care (there may be funds locally to supplement the cost), short respite stays in a local assisted living residence, and support groups so you won't feel alone in your challenges. Lots to think about. Could be the best decision you ever made, or maybe not. You might even want to engage in a few sessions with a professional counselor or your minister to help you sort out your motivations and feelings. I wish you the best.
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