I'm one from a family of 9. I retired early to take care of my mother because that's what I wanted to do. Not a big thing, not looking for thank you's or pats on the back or any type of martyr label. I'm divorced, the kid is grown, I'm 64, and mom needed help. Everyone else is married with wives and kids in school, yada, yada. We had some recent issues starting with Low Sodium in mom's blood, one week later UTI, one week later, severe constipation all resulting in hospitalization. Up til these events, she's been very healthy; but, the combination in such a short time took it's toll. She is back to good health and feeling great for 96. Now comes the fun part. Siblings calling and telling me what to do, what not to do, why didn't I catch this or that, blah, blah, blah. I stayed day and night at the hospital because I wanted to take care of her. I'm an avid reader for elderly home care, checking meals, keep a diary of her BP, weight, water intake, etc. It makes me feel better and my mother less fearful. My siblings are being a little difficult telling me how I can handle things, prepare things, TELL the doctor this and that, etc. The final straw for me was an older brother came to the hospital was there for 2 hrs to visit (she was in 3 days) her doctor comes in to release her. My brother starts bossing around nurses and aides demanding her release paperwork so he can get out of there. Some sort of car race was on TV he wanted to watch. The nurse and aides were wonderful to my mother; I was so humiliated at his behavior. I stayed behind to apologize for his actions; but, it will never be enough. He dumped my mother and me at home; and, immediately left feeling he had done his part taking care of his mother. It was so insane. I try not to waste much energy on these events. These are things that will never change. I let them say what they need to and let it roll off until the next event. I have quit telling them about her doctor appointments to avoid confrontations. Sad but true. In addition, I have a handicapped sister who lives with a significant other who is rather a bum. They depend on me to keep an eye on her because she had a drinking issue. I gladly do every day. However, they cannot pick up the phone to call her even once a week to say hi because they don't want to speak to her live-in bum. They continue to tell me what to do about her also. I've been retired for 9 months; and, it's not getting any better. I don't want to be mean to them. I have explained, encouraged, promoted, and now I feel like I'm about to blurt out "I'm so busy watching the monkey on the horse, I didn't catch that last problem!" I do not want to distance myself from my siblings; but, I find that I am now. I can't be the only one with this sibling issue. Does anyone else out there have this 'monkey on a horse' problem?
Interestingly her parents, in their 80s, lived around the corner from her, not in good shape and with no car while she didn't work, had plenty of money, free time and a big car. Did she lift a manicured finger to help them? Nope, couldn't be bothered, too busy shopping, getting her hair done and going on exotic vacations.
When her mother had a stroke and passed away she refused to care for her father, even though he had no health issues, "I'm not washing his dirty underwear, ewwww". He went to live with her brother, the house was gifted to the brother's daughter and no-one in the family ever spoke again.
Every time my mother complains, b*itches and whines I remember just how she treated others, trampling on anyone who crossed her path unless there was something in it for her. Those thoughts give me the strength to visit once a week to ensure she has all she needs and say NO when she starts up, walking away if I have to. I dread visiting her to this day.
Compassion is like love ... the more you use it, the more you have to use. Spend a little of yours on your clueless brothers and sisters. Perhaps they think if they share their vast wisdom of what "should" be done that are actually contributing something. Maybe it makes them feel less helpless. Or maybe some of them are just on a power trip. What if you just said, "Thanks for your input. I'll keep it in mind."?
You've taken on a huge and important job in caring for Mom. It should not cost you your relationships with others who aren't doing this job. You don't have to take their criticism and certainly you don't have to take their suggestions to heart. But I suspect they are more ignorant than malicious.
Since there are so many to be notified, have you considered a free blog on Caring Bridge? You can keep every one informed at the same time, and maybe even cut down on some of the inappropriate feedback.
My siblings don't call or visit so at least I don't hear any crap from them..