My wife is insisting I do not help my siblings care for my mother.

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Recently my brother passed away my mother has dementia and has been given six months. My wife never had a good relationship with my mother i have diabetes and had a foot operated on. my sister is power of attorney. my wife has threatened to leave me if i help. My sisters do not get along so I am the middle man. They are both retired and one works part time. i work a full time stressful job. My wife cannot find work so she is at home all day my brother was my mothers primary care taker help

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if you step back and read it again, it reads like a guilt trip. i have seen so many people do this to people in here who are really struggling. it's difficult enough to make these decisions without people guilting you for not making the decisions THEY would make. he should be allowed to make a decision that will work for his WHOLE family without anyone here making him feel bad.

offering options and ideas is good and reasonable. sharing experiences is helpful.

but here are some of the things you said.
still YOUR MOTHER
if something happens to her and you feel like you did not contribute to her care, that is something that you may never recover from.
Your wife is being insensitive
she took values with you for better or worse
One day your wife my be in the same boat

i'm sorry i yelled, (all caps), but i get very upset by things like this. i just can't stand by and let people be hurt even if it's only by text.
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Dear Pamela Sue, I was not trying to give this man a guilt trip, mearly to ecknowledge what is real, he only has one Mother, and she can never be replaced. He has nothing to be guilty about, but he does need to do something so that when his Mother closes her eyes, he will know that he was there for her. Perhaps, we all feel differently about what role our Mother's play in our lives, this was mearly my opinion. JUST LIKE YOU HAVE YOURS.!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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NO GUILT TRIPPING ALLOWED! BACK OFF!
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Hello, My heart bleeds for you, I understand that your wife did not have a good relationship with your Mother, however she is still YOUR MOTHER. Y ou only have one in this life, and if something happens to her and you feel like you did not contribute to her care, that is something that you may never recover from. Your wife is being insensitive to your needs, ask her if she loves you, it's not about your Mother it's about you, if your wife does not understand that thisis the person that actually was the catilis for your wife even having you in her life. Try to make her see your side, explain that if she truly loves you, then she should understand that you need to do this for your well being. What if it were her Mother, and you said that about her, how would she feel. WHAT WOULD SHE DO. She took values with you for better or worse, tell her this is the worse, and if you two can get through this, it will make you stronger. One day your wife my be in the same boat with her daughter-in-law. Something to think about. Good luck, and I will be praying for you. God Bless, PS. Pray about this, it does work.
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Justice, How about showing support to your sisters? For one who myself is a caregiver I would love for just once those that do not wish to particiapate at least call and see how I am doing. She is yall's Mother. As far as the sister's not getting along, forget that. You cannot control how they get along. I agree they need to find their big girl panties. As far as your wife saying she will leave you? A bit warped sense of loyality for me. Mother's and daughter's, stay out of that. Extend your love to both but it is there mess to work out. I wish you luck.
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Justice: You seem to have a lot of women in your life. Are you by chance the kind of person who tries to be the peace maker. Your sisters don't like each other, so you are the go between. Your wife and (your) 26 year old daughter are on the outs so you are getting it at both ends. Your mom and your wife never got along.

Sometimes the peace maker can seem like a person who never takes a stand. I don't know if that's true in your case, but if your wife feels you are not able to set limits with your sisters or your daughter, that could be part of the problem.

It's too bad that your sisters can't put their big girl pants on and work together to take care of your mom. They seem to have a lot more time than you do. Is it your late brother's wife who has offered to take mom into her home?

You say the doc has given your mom six months to live. Is this due to her dementia. Did it escalate with your brothers passing? Are you sure it makes sense to keep mom living in a home environment? As Jeanne said, her care could become very difficult in the days and months ahead. Would it make better sense to have mom moved to a good facility where all of you can visit and spend time with her, but not have the stress of 24 hour care.

We would like to be helpful. If you could answer some questions and provide more details, it would give us a better understanding of your mother's present condition and your family circumstances.

Hugs, Cattails
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Or 3) you feel it is the right thing to do. Is getting some counseling a possibility-I think Jeanne is on to something there (she asks the right questions, and gives sound advice). Many high stress jobs come with an EAP benefit, that might offer a starting point. Is your wife trying to help you set limits you have trouble setting? What do you think the real issue is? I'm sorry you are in a dilemma between so many people important in your life. It sounds really hard. When my spouse and I have had a stuck point or two along the way, it has been a signal to us that we need a qualified, objective outside person to help us sort things out. Keep posting to let us know more about your situation and how you're doing. I'm sure your eager for some progress. Kimbee
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he has diabetes and his foot was operated on. a non-healing foot wound? diabetes can cause many problems for feet. he's in a full-time stressful job. he admits that he has not had a good relationship with his mother, so it's not just his wife. perhaps she is not just protecting herself, but him as well knowing that he won't do it for himself. i'm not ready to call her over bearing yet. some wives look that way when they stand up for husbands who will not stand up for themselves. they often say the things that perhaps the husbands are thinking. mothers are supposed to love all children equally, sounds like this one blew it and is reaping accordingly at this point.

Justice, there are two reasons you might want to help your mother. 1. you love your mother. or 2. you love your siblings. if either are true, then you to tell that to your wife and then both of you need to sit and talk with each other about what, how much, and when you would like to do this. i wouldn't ask your wife to help at this point, though you can always hope that she may join in at some time just because she loves you.

i can't honestly say that i love my mother. i certainly don't like her. but i ADORE my sister, and that is why i helped for the time i did. my mother and i are not speaking at this time, but i am sure to be in it again as soon as my little sister needs me. we are both very fortunate that currently our mother is in a board and care home and is pretty happy there. she loves being waited on hand and foot.

Good luck to you Justice, i hope you find a workable solution for your marriage, and for your family, and for your mother.
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Justice, it is not easy! Some adult siblings will help out. Others will just sit around
and complain about those who are helping out and doing the most. I know, I am
there in your shoes with you. I read Job 23 on a daily basis to find peace. I hope it will help you. Be strong and share some quality time with your wife, she might
need it.
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What does this mean: "my mother has dementia and has been given six months." Six month to live? Is she dying from some other condition? Is she getting Hospice services? Where -- her house, your sister's house, a Hospice facility? Someon in end stage dementia often needs more care than can reasonably be given in a home setting. What kind of in-home care is being obtained? Is a nursing home being considered? What does her doctor think she needs?

None of these questions change my advice to see a family therapist. But they would provide a clearer picture.
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