My wife is insisting I do not help my siblings care for my mother.

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Recently my brother passed away my mother has dementia and has been given six months. My wife never had a good relationship with my mother i have diabetes and had a foot operated on. my sister is power of attorney. my wife has threatened to leave me if i help. My sisters do not get along so I am the middle man. They are both retired and one works part time. i work a full time stressful job. My wife cannot find work so she is at home all day my brother was my mothers primary care taker help


First, hugs to you in this stressful situation! You can't please everyone, it sounds like, and yet these are all people you love.

Please provide a few more background details so we have a better picture.

Where does your mother live? Was she living with your brother? Does where she lives need to change?

What kind of help does your mother need? Exactly what help does your wife object to? There is a huge difference between providing meals to Mom a few times a week and bringing her into your house to live! So please be more specific about the help under discussion.

What is the financial situation? Is Mother on Medicaid? Does she have adequate income and assets to provide for herself financially?

What kind of help do your sisters provide? What do they want you to do -- particulary the sister with POA.

Help us understand your situation a little better, please.
My mother has dementia both sisters are retired. My wife says she is my care taker She does not want me calling or driving my sister anywhere. My sister offered to move my mother in. If it was anyone in my wifes family she would be over at their home taking care of them. I would not have a problem with that even if it was seven days per week. My mother is on medicade she is 87. My father left the house when I was nine and never supported me Everything I own I have paid for since I was 13 by working. My mother has never done any kind acts for me. The 2 younger ones got college paid for blank checks for cars.I have the tendency to forget. My wife ison the outs with my daughter 26. My daughter and I have the same personality type.I am getting it a both ends
Is family counselling a possibility for you and your wife? It sounds like there is more going on here than how much you help or don't help your mother.

What, exactly, do you want to do to help your mother?
Why does your sister need to be driven around?
Your sister wants to move Mother into her (sister's) house? How would that involve you -- exactly? Would you do the yardwork once a week? Stay there on a regular basis so that Sister could get out? Go over and do the laundry? Please tell us specifically what you would be doing, that your wife objects to.

The background here sounds very complicated. You and your wife talking it over with a therapist sounds like the best option to me.
Justice: it sounds to me like your wife is a little overbearing and is jealous of time you spend away from her maybe? It sounds like she resents more than you do that sisters college was paid and cars bought. Did your mother raise you kids alone? Were you abused? And is she verbally abusive to you now? Bottom line, do you love your mother? If you do, it's time to man up. I've met people like your wife. Very controlling. If you have love for your mom, please don't let her steer you away from making your mom as comfortable as you can her last 6 months. Don't make your sisters do it alone. As for their not getting along? Put your foot down. You are going to get some fantastic advice here soon. All the luck in the world to you!!! Lisa
What does this mean: "my mother has dementia and has been given six months." Six month to live? Is she dying from some other condition? Is she getting Hospice services? Where -- her house, your sister's house, a Hospice facility? Someon in end stage dementia often needs more care than can reasonably be given in a home setting. What kind of in-home care is being obtained? Is a nursing home being considered? What does her doctor think she needs?

None of these questions change my advice to see a family therapist. But they would provide a clearer picture.
Justice, it is not easy! Some adult siblings will help out. Others will just sit around
and complain about those who are helping out and doing the most. I know, I am
there in your shoes with you. I read Job 23 on a daily basis to find peace. I hope it will help you. Be strong and share some quality time with your wife, she might
need it.
he has diabetes and his foot was operated on. a non-healing foot wound? diabetes can cause many problems for feet. he's in a full-time stressful job. he admits that he has not had a good relationship with his mother, so it's not just his wife. perhaps she is not just protecting herself, but him as well knowing that he won't do it for himself. i'm not ready to call her over bearing yet. some wives look that way when they stand up for husbands who will not stand up for themselves. they often say the things that perhaps the husbands are thinking. mothers are supposed to love all children equally, sounds like this one blew it and is reaping accordingly at this point.

Justice, there are two reasons you might want to help your mother. 1. you love your mother. or 2. you love your siblings. if either are true, then you to tell that to your wife and then both of you need to sit and talk with each other about what, how much, and when you would like to do this. i wouldn't ask your wife to help at this point, though you can always hope that she may join in at some time just because she loves you.

i can't honestly say that i love my mother. i certainly don't like her. but i ADORE my sister, and that is why i helped for the time i did. my mother and i are not speaking at this time, but i am sure to be in it again as soon as my little sister needs me. we are both very fortunate that currently our mother is in a board and care home and is pretty happy there. she loves being waited on hand and foot.

Good luck to you Justice, i hope you find a workable solution for your marriage, and for your family, and for your mother.
Or 3) you feel it is the right thing to do. Is getting some counseling a possibility-I think Jeanne is on to something there (she asks the right questions, and gives sound advice). Many high stress jobs come with an EAP benefit, that might offer a starting point. Is your wife trying to help you set limits you have trouble setting? What do you think the real issue is? I'm sorry you are in a dilemma between so many people important in your life. It sounds really hard. When my spouse and I have had a stuck point or two along the way, it has been a signal to us that we need a qualified, objective outside person to help us sort things out. Keep posting to let us know more about your situation and how you're doing. I'm sure your eager for some progress. Kimbee
Justice: You seem to have a lot of women in your life. Are you by chance the kind of person who tries to be the peace maker. Your sisters don't like each other, so you are the go between. Your wife and (your) 26 year old daughter are on the outs so you are getting it at both ends. Your mom and your wife never got along.

Sometimes the peace maker can seem like a person who never takes a stand. I don't know if that's true in your case, but if your wife feels you are not able to set limits with your sisters or your daughter, that could be part of the problem.

It's too bad that your sisters can't put their big girl pants on and work together to take care of your mom. They seem to have a lot more time than you do. Is it your late brother's wife who has offered to take mom into her home?

You say the doc has given your mom six months to live. Is this due to her dementia. Did it escalate with your brothers passing? Are you sure it makes sense to keep mom living in a home environment? As Jeanne said, her care could become very difficult in the days and months ahead. Would it make better sense to have mom moved to a good facility where all of you can visit and spend time with her, but not have the stress of 24 hour care.

We would like to be helpful. If you could answer some questions and provide more details, it would give us a better understanding of your mother's present condition and your family circumstances.

Hugs, Cattails

Justice, How about showing support to your sisters? For one who myself is a caregiver I would love for just once those that do not wish to particiapate at least call and see how I am doing. She is yall's Mother. As far as the sister's not getting along, forget that. You cannot control how they get along. I agree they need to find their big girl panties. As far as your wife saying she will leave you? A bit warped sense of loyality for me. Mother's and daughter's, stay out of that. Extend your love to both but it is there mess to work out. I wish you luck.

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