Why caregivers go crazy

Again, I am so sorry if I offended anyone as that certainly wasn't my intention. I did sound "preachy" but I have been "born" again. Hindsight is always 20/20. So many things I would have done differently,and sooner. I was drowning, plain and simple. In over my head and I am a retired RN with years of ICU and OR and Home Care experience but when it came to my own mother I was a "babe in the woods." The emotional dynamic between my mother and myself had been years in the making and when her health very suddenly changed both of us were facing life changing decisions with very little time to make a plan. I knew her end of life wishes as we thankfully had had that BIG TALK. But when it came to the what to do in the mean time it was emotional chaos for us both. We were both angry, afraid, scared ,more anger,more fear and not able to be of any comfort to each other.She was now dependent on me and neither of us was happy about it.We both lost the independence we knew in a very short amount of time.Living arrangements,care arrangements, financial arrangements had to be done with really no time to grieve for our mutual loss of independence.She was mad, mad, mad, and scared and in real physical pain,osteoarthritis, that was now requiring oral morphine for treatment. No more driving, just like that,done.My life and hers changed in a doctors office with the addition of the morphine. I tried and did for 4 years to keep her in my home.But as her physical needs increased so did her emotional needs.One thing I would have done looking back would have been to as soon as I had her moved in made appointments for both of us with a therapist, separate ones of coarse. I really feel it would have made the road less bumpy.So, sorry for being a preachy handson caregiver.I didn't mean to offend. I have been thru some rough shifts,many rough shifts but none were even close to that 4 year shift I did.

Well said, Guesthop.

I think part of what's crazy making is that we are held responsible for "fixing" things without being given the power to actually make changes. We are "required" to make really poor choices work for other people at the cost of our own health. And, yes, slavery was outlawed. But if you are raised to be codependent, in a dysfunctional family, and you know the person may be injured severely if you don't intervene to the best you can? I think a lot of the time it's a slippery slope - we'll help just this time. Or do this one thing. My problem is that making certain boundaries has caused real problems with my marriage. I'm not the only one. And when people actively gaslight you? If you are fragile and seeking acceptance? Bad news all over. JB, you try to do the right thing according to your beliefs. When it quits working for you and the rabbit, it won't matter how much your brothers complain. You will manage. I know I did, but it's at such a cost it's hard to hang onto sometimes....

Sorry JB, those of us who have had to place the one we care for in a facility are kind of like born again christians, our lives have been so transformed we have to tell everybody.

Jessie, please, I am very sorry if I offended you. I always like to read your posts.My placement of my mother was not an immediate action. I was able to handle her care in my home for only 4 yrs. and then I just broke down, the hypervigilance, the constant anxiety over was I doing the right thing,always second guessing myself, I just wound down like a worn out clock that had been going 24/7 with no end in sight. But no matter what my problems were, my mother still needed care. I was lucky, found an AL close to home and 3 months before I would be diagnosed with breast cancer that required surgery and chemo. There is no way I could have cared for her in my condition at that time, her being in the AL gave me peace of mind, I had done my homework and checked them out,made frequent unannounced drop in visits,met with all the employees that would be my mom's handson caregivers.I guess what I am trying to say I know what it feels like to feel and be trapped,exhausted, frustrated ,trying to do your best but it's never good enough,just a vicious cycle.I feel sad knowing others are going thru the same things/emotions I had doing handson caregiving , I wish I could somehow make them feel better.So, again, please accept my apology JessieBell . It is so hard at times to really express feelings when I just don't have the right words.You are my hero, JB, I would always look for your posts because your words made me feel I wasn't just the only one,somebody else was experiencing this.

One thing I think would be good in the group is to let people talk without the immediate thing of getting out and putting a parent in AL or NH. That is not a solution for most people on the group at times. It is just a conversation stopper. You guys can take it from here. I run into this anytime I try to talk. It may be true, but it is beyond my control to get her into a facility. It's too bad that this is no longer a good place to just vent.

Just make sure that place of "So we cope the best we can" is a good ,healthy place for the caregiver. If it isn't, and we all know ourselves the best, start doing something about it. This isn't criticism, this is pleading. You don't always have to be a hands on caregiver to be a good caregiver.If you don't prioritize yourself, you aren't going to be able to help anybody. A caregiver that is well rested ,eating healthy,going to their own MD appointments,working towards building their own retirement ,able to handle everyday responsibilities of being a parent if minor children still in home is a MUCH better caregiver than one that is, well, we are all aware of the opposite. If you are unable to live as a well rested caregiver,identify the problem and start doing something about it.It has to stop. Being a martyr is not honoring your parents.

I believe stress drives us to going crazy. Except we can’t because they are, or maybe they aren’t , but getting close. So we suck it up and do and be the impossible, the everything they need us to be , because we are who we are. Decent people, doing the best we can. At a cost to us. Who else would do it if we didn’t? So we endure. Daily , nightly until we can’t anymore. Hopefully with a sense of grace and kindness. Because they did bring us into this world and fed and nurtured us so I guess most of us feel we owe them. BUT the stress, the fear of what’s coming next and when can drive anyone crazy. So we cope the best we can

I can't blame my mother for the pharmacy thing. When things like this happen, I wonder if people sit around and plot how they can make things harder on caregivers, instead of easier. Of course, I know they don't. I know they're just doing things automatically with whatever is in the computer. The personal touch has been lost when it comes to medical care.

Timbuktu, I can't believe I'm still here, either. I talk to my mother about AL quite often. She tells me to go ahead and leave and she'll be fine by herself at home. She doesn't like people and wants to live how she wants.

I did! What is The Hulk thread about? I really haven't posted or read from this site for probably a year and I am still trying to catch up with names I recognized and read about what has happened with them and read all the newbies that are posting. What did I miss, really The Hulk thread?

Evidently, timbuktu missed The Hulk thread. Lol!

Girl, I can't believe you are still taking care of that woman. My mother,well I don't know what would have happened with her if I hadn't "taken over". I did so out of a sense of duty,but duty gets old after so many years and I wanted to go AWOL. So much paper work,so much time on the phone to the insurance company over a bill, or her numerous doctors and coordinating care, and the ER vigils etc. Isn't there any way you can get her to AL, and get yourself out of there, have a life? I finally made it to the dentist in Sept. this year. First dentist visit for me in 4 yrs and 9 months.Please, get out of that house, enough is enough.