When to say enough and take back my life.
My mom is 87 and has mild dementia. She's lived alone for 19 years and I've been taking care of her for that long as well. She took a fall in September this year and fractured a rib, was in the hospital for 2 weeks and is now in Senior Living. I'm pretty sure she thought she would be going home once she completed physical therapy, but the doctor told her in the hospital, that she wanted her to stay there through the winter for safety reasons and then we could re visit going home in late spring. Dr is hoping she will like it enough to stay. The medical professionals know she has dementia, blind in one eye from macular degeneration and now must use a walker full time. Her home is in the country, 20 minutes from a hospital and 15 minutes from any activities. She lives on the lot next to us. She doesnt have much interaction with others. We have been caring for her and doing it all. A couple years ago, she finally relented to a housekeeper, yard care and in-house help from an agency. In the past year, her vision, body and mind has declined. We have been trying to prepare her for a couple of years, that when she was finally unable to care for herself, we would have to look into Senior Living because I couldn't live with her nor can she live with us. She has dug her heals in until now, when she was forced to go there because of this fall. My sister flew up to help for a week. We cleaned, organized and packed away valuables in her home, all in 5 days. She told me 3 different occassions she wanted to sell stuff. We sat down and made a list with her of what she wanted sold. All furniture. On the last day that we were done, she "changed her mind". Just lost 5 days of our lives that we will never get back. She has been telling other family members that she only told us to sell 1 item, a bed and that she never told us to pack up her house. Of coarse, I set them straight on what really transpired. I'm continually having to play clean up, for lack of a better term, when mom tells people things. Especially friends that don't talk or see her often, she appears fine and they are convinced that she doesn't have dementia. I'm so resentful and done. I don't even know who I am anymore. I do know I'm an angry and a negative person now. Taking care of her and my family together has taken a huge toll on me and my emotional we'll being. I don't enjoy the things I use to, I'm crying all the time, depressed and gave up most of my friends. I get the sense from my mom that it's more of an "oh well, this is your job and I don't care that you have a husband, kids, (had) a job (had to quit 6 years ago because of her), friends (of which I have lost my BF because of things my mom has said) and a life." She did it for her mom, so she expects it from me. I've talked to her, but it never changed. Now she's mad because we "cleaned" her house and she keeps saying "well, I guess I'm resorted to staying here". We just replied that it would be a good idea because you are safe, your needs are taken care of and you are getting 3 square meals a day. I even explained to her that I was relieved to know she was being well taken care of and in a safe environment and now I can just come and visit without her expecting me to do so much...back to being mother and daughter...after a month, I've come to realize, those days are gone. She went from telling us last week, 3 times, that she REALLY likes it there to telling her sister 2 days ago that she doesn't like it and she wants to go home. Well, where we live, there are no services for full time in-home care. You either live independently with outside help a few hours of the day or you go to Senior living. We can't get it to sink in. She's trying to get sympathy from anyone who will listen and she is the type of person, always has been, that needs a lot of other people's opinions. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. I've thought that if she wants to go home, she will have to do it on her own...find someone else to pack up the apartment that we so lovenly decorated and furnished with her belongings and take care of her. I don't understand this disease and it makes me angry and helpless. I need to take back my life and enjoy what I use to and enjoy my last child's last 3 1/2 years of being at home. This has consumed me so much, but I don't know where to begin. I don't want to be cruel to my mother, but I'm finding it more and more difficult not to.