Planning for when our children will have to be our caregivers.


Many of us are caregives for our parents and in-laws. Do many of you think about "how will I be, when my daughter will step into the roll of being my caregiver?" My Mom and MIL said that they didn't want to move and wanted to died in there own place. It was very dificult to move my Mom. She lived in a loverly place in the mountains 32 miles out of town. She just could not live in her place any more, we moved her 2.5 years again and she is always wanting to take a trip back to her home. We have kept it, to we have a place to visit. She becomes very depressed when thinking about her home. I keep thinking about how I feel now and not being able to take her over there when she wants. Then I think, I don't want to put my kids in my shoes. My MIL, 94, is wanting to die in her condo, and it is not longer safe for her to live alone. She is fighting us tooth and nail. I just don't want the same for my children.

Can we have plans in place to prevent this samething happening for our children? I keep saying in my head now, it doesn't matter where I live when I get older and can't take care of myself. I do not want to become attached to a house, to have to die there. I think this is one stress caregivers may feel about what will happen when we age and I have not seen a discussion on this matter.

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Thank you for the thoughts. My husband and I each have our wills done, our POA are set up, as well as our Living Wills having to do with medical issues and our finances are in order.

It's that, example, when its time to stop driving. What can I do now to put in motion, I will not give my kids a hard time, when they tell me I need to stop driving. Or if the time comes that I can't remember to take my meds, and the kids tell me I need help. What is it that I can do now, so they don't feel the same stress that I am feeling about having to move my Mom or try and get my MIL some place safe.
Would writing a journal help? The thing is, I don't keep a journal, I have tried but I just don't stick with it. I guess right now I'm thinking out loud. I have looked up elder planning and most has to do with wills and estate planning, and not so much for where do I move when I can't live by my self any longer. Any thoughts.

I totally understand. My husband and I went through the agony of putting my Dad in a nursing home because Mom was not able to care for him. When it was Mom's turn, she wanted to die at home. She was in a nursing home for rehab, and we were in the process of arranging 24/7 care at home, when she suddenly died. I felt guilty that I was not able to fulfill her wish. My husband and I hope we have learned a lesson. We do not want to live with our children ... often they are dealing with life's problems.. health, finances, their children, etc. Caring for aging parents can be very stressful when you are aging yourself. We want to minimize the guilt and we will be willing to move to a convenient location and arrange outside help (My Dad did not even want a cleaning person in the house.) I know a nursing home will be the last resort, but if it has to be, I want my children to feel they have made the right decision. Hopefully, with baby boomers on the rise and in control, nursing homes will improve. They are a disgrace right now. Good luck to you.

dilynn: What a good idea! Thank you for creating this thread!

How can we escape thinking about it, especially when it is in our faces every day? With financial conditions the last few years, and world turmoil, how can we even plan?
However, we can talk to our kids, tell them what we want, and remind them to check in with us every few years as we age. I will tell my kids (who do NOT want to hear about it at ALL at this point) IF I start losing my mental faculties, to just go ahead and follow through with what was set up when I was in my right mind!

Take charge! No matter what, follow the plan!

After being the only sibling acting as caregiver for my Mother, it has taken it's toll. I would never do that to someone else, especially my kids. I know that at my age now, even though I feel 40 and act 20, I am 60. I am not sure what to do first, and we must not fall into the trap of "waiting" as some parents have done and left us with a mess.

I have a different personality and behaviors from my Mother, who lived in denial and avoidance as long as I can remember. I am just the opposite, facing my fears, being pro-active about everything. I know I am annoying sometimes:)

I hope God will let me slip away before I am too old to "be a burden." I would feel like a burden because I am aware of others. My Mother, before she became so advanced in her dementia, not speaking or walking, did not think about these things and refused to talk about it. She would hyperventilate when I would gently try to get her to discuss her care after her husband died. She was afraid of dying. I pray she is not anymore.

dilynn, I hope people will come here and offer advice on long term health care, making wills, and many aspects of this subject so that our children are not left with the extremely stressful and difficult job of second-guessing. Let's be prepared.

I know how you feel. I think having your legal matter in line is the first step. Then write out your wishes now when you are of sound mind. Give these instructions to your children and explain how you feel. My friends doctor asked her how she feels about all of this and wrote it in her medical file. Just a start but I know how you are thinking.

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