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Hi All,
I am a 45 year old stroke survivor. I moved in with my mom when my father died very unexpectedly 5 1/2 years ago. My mom has a limited disability that only prevents her from doing things she doesn't want to do. What I mean by that is this; she can't take the trash out but can go to baseball games every day if possible.
My strokes occurred about 2 years after I moved in with her. They were caused by my diabetes, undiagnosed hogh blood pressure and extreme stress and smoking. I have my health issues in pretty good control now. Only my stress level is beyond control.
My 71 year old mother agreed to keep my grandson, her great grandson, for 3 months. She agreed, I did not. I wasn't asked. I love my grandson dearly, he is 16 months old. I work 8 hours a day at my main job, Monday thru Friday. I also work weekends with my wonderful boyfriend. I take my grandson with me on the weekends as often as possible, he loves being outside with me and my BF. Even tho I try my best to do everything I can, it is just too much. We have 4 acres of grass to be cut and something always needs to be fixed. Pile her passive aggressive guilt trips on top of everything else and I am crumbling. FAST. My sister tries to help but she has 2 daughters at home and a husband and a stressful job and lives 3 hours away....
I feel stuck. I hate where with live ( the nearest gas station in 15 minutes away and it takes me 45 minutes to drive to work) I have to get up at 4:30 am just to get to work on time. I am exhausted. She has refused to move closer to where I work and I have no idea how to get out of this situation.
I could lose my BF over this just because he can't stand how Mom walks all over me. He is also caring for his mother but does not live with her.

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Trying to please everyone else often results in pleasing no one. It also results in a building resentment in you. You could sacrifice your health, your relationship with your BF and still not have your mom happy.

Helping our parents, "taking care of" (this means a very different thing to different people) does not mean we must totally change our lives so that they can continue to keep theirs completely as its always been.

I'm a big fan of "there's Plan A (you move somewhere without acres of lawn to mow) and there's Plan B (you hire someone to mow the lawn) but there's no Plan C (where I'm supposed to mow the 4 acres of lawn)".
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You will be lucky to survive your mother. My 69 yo sister died, doing what you are doing. Submit in writing that you will be leaving in 2 weeks and then, pack.
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Thank you everyone for your responses and advice. I KNOW I need to move out. My BF is pushing me to do it as well as he sees what she is doing to me emotionally.The way my parents raised me to be a people pleaser and to keep everyone happy is going to be my downfall. I tend to just do what is expected of me and not worry about my own needsjust to avoid the inevitable guilt trip that comes after i commit a "selfish act". I need to figure out how to get rid of the guilt.
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When you decide to support yourself, you'll get what you deserve.

Move out.
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I totally agree with FreqFlyer. And JeanneGibbs. Your mother does not sound like she's disabled to the point where she needs someone to live with her. What she does need is to move to a more manageable housing situation or hire people to help her with the house and yard. As long as you stay with her, she'll have no reason to reason to explore other alternatives, and you'll be stuck with an exhausting duties and your long commute.
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If your good deed is being punished, stop with the good deed and so something more rewarding. I agree with ff. As we age, we figure out how to compensate for our own limitations. Often that involves changing our standards, downsizing certain things, scaling back, making more trips carrying fewer things, buying or rigging up devices to assist us, and hiring things done. If she is "partially" disabled, she needs to arrange for the kinds of assistance she needs.

And I also agree with ff that if Mom can commit to taking care of a toddler for three months, she can surely take care of herself.

You are 45. You may not be half way through your life span. Your primary concern right now should be figuring out how to take good care of you, physically, socially, and emotionally. Aren't you glad you survived the stroke? Don't you want to take advantage of your good fortune by not merely surviving, but living?

It is admirable to want to do the right thing. But as it becomes apparent that it isn't the right thing for you, make changes. Don't abandon your mother, for heaven's sake, but don't live with her and don't let your life revolve around her demands.
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LeighAnne, if your Mom is able to babysit her great-grandson without any problems she can surely take care of herself on her own without you there.

Your Mom is just a couple years older than I am, and I learned how to make things work when I was on my own. If I know I can't carry out the trash, I bundle the trash in much smaller bags... carry one small bag to the curb along with an empty large black trash bag, put the small bag into the large bag, then go back in the house and gather the other small bags, put those in the large bag, it might be 3 or 4 trips back to the house, but the trash is ready for pickup. There are clever ways of getting things done :)

As for the yard work, find someone who can do the lawn mowing at a reasonable cost [I pay someone to mow]. Same with home repairs. If that can't be accomplished, maybe it is time for Mom to downsize to a more manageable home.

Remember, it was your Mom's choice to remain in her home, thus she needs to take the responsibility for her choice. By you staying there with her, you are enabling her, and you will never get to leave. Now if your Mom had major health issues, that would be a different story.
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Like I said, she is partly disabled and I am trying to "do the right thing". No good deed goes unpunished....
There is no way she can maintain that yard and home by herself. Because I believe in being active (kayaking, atv riding, learning to scuba dive) she thinks I can do it all. "You weren't tootired to go kayaking, but you're too tired to cut the grass". I am also helping my BF with his disability claim (Macular degeneration, legally blind). She is very resentful of me doing anything that doesn't serve her purposes or moods. She claims to want to see me happily married again but sabatages any efforts made in that direction.
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Like I said, she is partly disabled and I am trying to "do the right thing". No good deed goes unpunished....
There is no way she can maintain that yard and home by herself. Because I believe in being active (kayaking, atv riding, learning to scuba dive) she thinks I can do it all. "You weren't tootired to go kayaking, but you're too tired to cut the grass". I am also helping my BF with his disability claim (Macular degeneration, legally blind). She is very resentful of me doing anything that doesn't serve her purposes or moods. She claims to want to see me happily married again but sabatages any efforts made in that direction.
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Why are you living with your mother?

It seems to me that moving closer to your work, alone, would make more sense.
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