I feel guilty because I wanted Mom to die so I could live my life.
My Mom passed recently. She had a mass in her lung that was not compatible with life. I had taken care of her for 8 years and enjoyed 80% of the time. Our family put her on hospice and decided to stop all treatment and let nature take it's course. My Mom wanted it that way and had a living will and advance directive.
I feel guilt because one of the reasons I wanted to stop treatment is because I wanted my life back. She was suffering and so was I and it was killing us both. I was terrified that my family was leaving me alone with my mother and I would be left alone to wait for her to die. Those were definitely not all the reasons we stopped life support but those reasons were there and I feel guilty for them.
She died three months ago and these feelings just surfaced and took ahold of me. I feel like it was a little monster that was trying to come out but I wouldn't let it. It's out now and maybe it needed to come out. I just have to figure out how deal with it from here.
I don't regret that my Mom died. We got to say goodbye and she lived a great life and really a great end. I just feel bad that wouldn't allow the end to linger because I couldn't handle it.