I feel guilty because I wanted Mom to die so I could live my life.
My Mom passed recently. She had a mass in her lung that was not compatible with life. I had taken care of her for 8 years and enjoyed 80% of the time. Our family put her on hospice and decided to stop all treatment and let nature take it's course. My Mom wanted it that way and had a living will and advance directive.
I feel guilt because one of the reasons I wanted to stop treatment is because I wanted my life back. She was suffering and so was I and it was killing us both. I was terrified that my family was leaving me alone with my mother and I would be left alone to wait for her to die. Those were definitely not all the reasons we stopped life support but those reasons were there and I feel guilty for them.
She died three months ago and these feelings just surfaced and took ahold of me. I feel like it was a little monster that was trying to come out but I wouldn't let it. It's out now and maybe it needed to come out. I just have to figure out how deal with it from here.
I don't regret that my Mom died. We got to say goodbye and she lived a great life and really a great end. I just feel bad that wouldn't allow the end to linger because I couldn't handle it.
There's never any guarantees. No one can see the future. We can't waste any time now, feeling guilty. Just spend each hour wisely.....
When a loved one has lost their quality of life and they are in pain, have a terminal medical condition, are not thriving and unable to live in peace within their body, I don't see it as my right to insist they continue to breath for my peace of mind. I will do anything in my power to bring my loved one comfort, pain relief , support and assistance, but I don't see any merit in prolonging their illness against their wishes.
I think that spending a lot of time in assisted living facilities and rest homes gives you a different perspective on this issue. You become much better acquainted with our mortality and it's not as horrific as we are taught by society.
I'm 63y/o, I have a husband, daughters and grandchildren and I enjoy so much being a part of their lives and activities. She "lives" in an upstairs bedroom with a bathroom very close by, she still is able to get out of bed and go to the bathroom on her own and but, when I go out and leave her alone for a couple of hours, I do feel guilty about it. She is illegally here but we don't ask for any help from the government, we take care of all of her doctors visits, food, medications, personal care, etc. but we can't afford to hire a nurse or take her to a nursing home, so it's me alone who looks after her. I do not enjoy having her here, how can I? she can't converse, she doesn't like to go out, she gets to upset when we take her out, all she likes is to watch movies and cartoons. I guess it's true that, when we get older, we become children again.
I know that one day she will die, sometimes I totally look forward to that day, other days I just feel very sorry for her. I have come to terms with my siblings lack of responsibility and compassion, I can't waste my time with them anymore.
I also believe, (and I know some will disagree with me) that it's not fair that older children have to care for aging parents that can't care for themselves. No one asks to be born, when you become a parent, it's your responsibility to care for your children, that is the natural thing to do but, it's sometimes very unfair that, because of all of the advances in the field of Geriatrics, people are "living" longer, most time crappy lives, having to depend on others to care for them, and most of us would rather put our elderly, sick parents in a nursing home but that is also so very unfair to them, because in some cases, this helpless people are abused and neglected. I hate to see this commercials on tv. that talk about this paradise of places "A Place for Mom" or what ever, this are places that profit from people who refuse to care for an elderly parent in their homes, maybe because they can't or, most likely, wont.
We don't know what we will do when the time comes, we can't afford to put her in a Hospice or Hospital, so I guess she will die here in our home.
We will cross that bridge when we come to it.
So you unintentionally wished for your Mother to die. Think of the reasons that lead you to feel this towards your Mom. Sometimes we end up acquiring these feelings because of certain factors. Let me enumerate the things that you might have experienced and insert a few reasons on why you felt such.
1. You felt alone during the whole ordeal. You felt that you had not one else to turn to during the times when you feel weak for your mom.
This is normal for someone who is left with the sole responsibility of taking care of a parent in their later age or a parent with a disease. Does your Mom have the financial capability to sustain her medical needs? Does she have insurance? If she doesn’t have, were you the one who had to shoulder all the expenses? Did your partner support you during this period? Where your siblings there helping you along the way. Sometimes, we cannot really handle certain kinds of responsibilities alone. The burden was too hard for you to carry on your own that’s why you ended up wishing for a better situation, a situation wherein your troubles and worries would go away, in this case, your Mom,
2. You missed having a normal life and actually having a life.
I can easily conclude that you have tried your best to be with your Mom during these trying times and you had no one to help you around during the process. You had to endure working and spending the rest of your time with your Mom just to take care of her. Initially, you would really feel that you’re missing out a life that you should be having because you’re taking care of your Mom. But as the years pass, you’ll see yourself being thankful because you chose to be with your Mom during those times when she needed you the most. Just like the way you needed her beside you when you had your heart broken for the first time or when you had a hard time sleeping because of thunder and lightning.
3. You love your mom. Period
Yes you might have wished for your Mom’s death and you may have actually felt relieved when she did. But in reality, that was just the practical side in you. The child in you wanted to see your Mom healthy. Lively and enjoying a fun life together with you and your other siblings. It was hard for you to see your Mom weak and almost dying. And now you feel guilty for the times you wished that she was dead. This is simply because you love her, and you were sorry for not being strong enough just when she needed you to be. But as you have said, 80% of all those times you spend with your Mom during the last days of your life were happy. She is in a better right place right now. Eventually you’ll be able to move on from this lost. But again, as long as the guilt feeling is inside of you, it simply means that you’re sorry for feeling that towards your Mom, which is a good sign, because it shows that you love her.
Could you have saved her? Or, had you ALL not made the decision you did, would you have kept her here out of love and caused her more suffering? When we love someone with all of our hearts, that not what we wish for them. We want them to go. For them. For us. For our families.
If you had been able to wave a magic wand and cure mom, take away her pain, give her more years of quality life, you would have waved and waved and waved. But you couldn't, and you knew that.
You are not the first person to silently say, "OMG, please take her!!!" And you aren't the first person to be relieved to know the end is getting near. A death watch is a horribly painful experience.
I'm happy for you AND for your mom that she is in a better place. Put your guilt away. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
The old line for a poem is true: Life is for the living.