I feel guilty because I wanted Mom to die so I could live my life.
My Mom passed recently. She had a mass in her lung that was not compatible with life. I had taken care of her for 8 years and enjoyed 80% of the time. Our family put her on hospice and decided to stop all treatment and let nature take it's course. My Mom wanted it that way and had a living will and advance directive.
I feel guilt because one of the reasons I wanted to stop treatment is because I wanted my life back. She was suffering and so was I and it was killing us both. I was terrified that my family was leaving me alone with my mother and I would be left alone to wait for her to die. Those were definitely not all the reasons we stopped life support but those reasons were there and I feel guilty for them.
She died three months ago and these feelings just surfaced and took ahold of me. I feel like it was a little monster that was trying to come out but I wouldn't let it. It's out now and maybe it needed to come out. I just have to figure out how deal with it from here.
I don't regret that my Mom died. We got to say goodbye and she lived a great life and really a great end. I just feel bad that wouldn't allow the end to linger because I couldn't handle it.
This is the web address for an article that might help. I know what you mean about feeling guilty. When my dad died in April because he wouldn't let me take him to the doctor when he was sick I wasn't sad that it was over. I still take care of my mom but Dad was miserable and didn't want to be here. He'd been saying for years that he would only be living for a few more years. I felt relief that it was over. He was out of pain and didn't have to live with me anymore. I still felt guilty that I was glad it was over. The reality is he didn't want to be here and caregiving is overwhelming. You didn't want her dead you wanted the stress related to caregiving to be over. If she had been healthy and could enjoy life you wouldn't have wanted to lose her I'm sure.
You can't beat yourself up over this. It's hard to do what we do. You did more than most people would have. You just wanted the pain to stop. It's natural! Guilt is only helpful if it helps to correct something we are doing or did wrong. You didn't do anything to her you did your best. She wanted it to end. It would have been unkind to make the pain continue when she wanted to stop the treatment. She probably was waiting for all of you (her loving family) to come to the place where you were ready to let go.
It's almost impossible to be regret-free when a loved one dies. We all wish we did something differently once it becomes too late, but please don't have regrets about the timing of your mom's death. Nature (and/or God, depending upon your beliefs) needs to be honored as was done in the past. At the end of one's life, the focus should be on a good and peaceful ending, not on cruel and torturous clinging.
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