Visiting parent in assisted living/memory care home.

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We moved my mom into a assisted living/memory care home a short while ago. When my brother visits he tells me she is in a good mood, and looking forward to meals. The aids/nurses say that she is adjusting fine and has taken part with some activities. When I visit it's a totally different story, mom tells me that she isn't sleeping, people are being mean, people are in her room, no one comes to check on her or help her.
I was the one who took care of mom for almost a year as we lived together. I wonder if she presents different to me as she knows that I was the one she felt safe with and would take care of any problems or if she is playing the guilt card with me?

I am wondering if I should limit my visists to a couple a week to let her become more accustom to where she is now or if she'll think I have deserted her.


3931 helpful answers
I think you have nailed the issue. Your brother has confirmed that she is doing fine. But she can "push your guilt buttons" so she does. If you limit your visits for awhile, especially after she sends you on a guilt trip, she may change her ways. Of course, aging and the losses one experiences are difficult, and people need to talk about that. But when they use it to control a person who is caring for them and lay on guilt, that isn't acceptable. You're still being a caregiver by visiting and being the contact person (I gather you likely are). Detach from the guilt. When your mom gets the message, you can "reward" her by visiting more often if you'd like.
Take care of yourself,
Thanks Carol, I know myself that it might be my guilt that is getting in the way. While my logical side knows that mom needs to be in a 24hour care home because of her Alzheimer's, my emotional side feels like I failed her by having to place her in a care home.

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