Mom wants to move to Independent/Asst. Living near me.

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Last December, I moved my mother from her home to an Independent/Asst. Living facility in the same town she has lived in for the past 40 years. My father died 4 years ago, and I was getting increasingly worried about her alone in her home with no help. She refused to have anyone come in. She did not go to Independent Living willingly. Fast forward 10 months: although she has made a fairly good adjustment, she now says she wants to move to a facility near me (I am 2 hours away by car). She tells me most of the residents at her place did not "live" in town all their lives, but their kids live in town, and my mother claims the daughters of these residents come over several times a week to visit. Obviously, I cannot do this, but I do visit her at least once a month, we talk every day, and I bring my mother to my house on holidays. She has a few relatives who visit her now occasionally. If she were to move up here, I would be the only person she knew in the area. The other relatives would find it difficult to visit because of the distance. I do have a sister who lives about 45 minutes from my mother, but she rarely visits (she's married to a wacko who controls her life) and she and I haven't spoken since my father died. Our relationship has been bad between us since she married wacko husband over 30 years ago. I am just afraid that my mother will feel isolated if I move her up near me. I have a family of my own, and, although I could visit her more often, I cannot suddenly be there every day. Has anyone been faced with this situation? She tends to complain a lot, so I think the things she complains about at her place (bad food, nothing to do, the independent residents are not really "independent"....she says they all have walkers or wheelchairs, etc.) Physically, she is very old, but also in very good health for her age. Doesn't drive anymore (my sister sold my mother's car out from under her!). Looking for some suggestions on what to do and also what to say to my mother.

3 Comments

Sounds like your mother would rather have your company than anyone else's. If that is what she really wants, then move her. Honor her wishes. Blessings.
If Mom tends to complain a lot it is pretty hard to determine which concerns are valid and which are just complaining to complain, isn't it? What if she thinks the food is "bad" after she moves? Will she expect you to do something about it? My strong guess is that she will find as many walkers and wheelchairs wherever she goes. So what? Nothing to do? What do you know about the available activities where she is now? If she were closer to you would she expect you to be her daily entertainment? Is that a role you want to take on?

What keeps Mom from feeling isolated where she is? Does she have friends in town who drop in sometimes? Does she attend the same church she has for years, or belong to a knitting club, or take the IL van to shop at familiar places? If she has ties to the community where she has lived for 40 years then I think you are right to be concerned about being isolated with only you to relate to.

Like most people I'm sure you want to do what is best for Mother. It is so hard to know what that is, isn't it?
I moved my mom to my town and into independent living. She is very happy-which is an odd state for my mom. It does make more work for me-but it also provides much peace of mind. Establishing a routine- as far as - your time and expectations of your mom are important.

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