Visiting my mom.

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15 years ago my mother was in a senior living and there was an activities director. She seemed very nice and I friended here. I was told she was telling residents very personal information about herself which to me was embarrassing.
My mom left and went to another facility and she followed her visiting her and bringing her a gift and sending her cards. This has been going on for 15 years.
Is my mom is 99 and she is in a personal care home and in very good health, mentally and physically.
One day this woman told my mom she was going on a trip and sleeping in her car and has a gun.
I emailed her and told her you do not tell 99 year old woman stories like that. Please call me when you want to visit my mother.
Yesterday she showed up, brought my mother presents. The day before my mom had stomach problems and I ran back and bringing her meds . She was tired!
I again told her in an email, please call me before you visit my mother. She wrote me a very nasty letter. Is it so wrong that I Am her to call before she comes?
She told me my mother said to come and not listen to me and my insecurity and on and on and on.
I told the caretakers a long time ago that she should not barge in but call first. So I will write a note and tell the facility again.
Thanks, just frustrated !

5 Comments

No, it's not wrong at all to ask that this lady notify you before she visits your mom. You have your mom's best interests at heart - who knows what's going on with this woman. She has no boundaries as evidenced by the sharing of very personal information. Her judgment is also poor as evidenced by telling a senior she has a gun, sleeps in her car, and reacts nastily to your request for notice before a visit. Does your mom enjoy her visits? I'd be very wary of someone who shows such a lack of good sense in dealing with seniors.
Thank you!
Happt Holidays
russellstover52, I am curious how does this person finds you Mom after all of her moves? I know it won't be easy to stop someone who has befriended your Mom for 15 years, that's a long time.

The fact that person wrote you an unkind letter makes me think she thinks she has more ownership of your Mom than you do. You are right to set boundaries. I think if this woman wants to visit your Mom, someone else needs to be in the room. I know the Aides wouldn't have time for that, but if you live close enough, maybe the facility could contact you that that person is in the building.
It is possible that over the years this woman's mental health issues have worsened. She doesn't sound quite with it, does she?

What is your mother's attitude toward her? Might she have told her "come when you like"? Would Mom miss her visits if they stopped? Since Mom is very healthy mentally and physically, I think her wishes must be consulted. I'm glad you are not saying she can't visit, but that someone must be there when she does. But does this make Mom feel like you are interfering in her friendship? Might this cause a problem in your relationship with Mom?

What is the worst that can happen here? Has the visitor ever shown any tendency toward violence? Have things been missing after she leaves? Might she try to get Mom out of the facility?

She says inappropriate things (we think). Is it possible that she was talking about someone else living in a car with a gun, and Mom got that message mixed up? But even if visitor did say that about herself, where is the harm to Mom? If she is mentally healthy she might feel bad, but surely it isn't hard to calm her down --?? A long visit might tire your mother. Being tired is easily cured.

I don't blame you for being concerned. At the very least, keep an eye on the situation. Beyond that, weigh the risks of her visiting against the risks to your relationship with Mom if you manage to restrict the visits.

When you were a teenager and your mother wanted to vet your friends, I'll bet you never thought you'd do the sake for her one day! This is hard. Hang in there!
I don;t know,, the fact that she mentions sleeping in her car.. makes me think she may be after money. But maybe I am just too sensitive after reading so many other posts like this?

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