I am new to the site. I was looking on the internet for a local caregiver group and I ran across this one. I have read so many stories similar to mine. My story is that I am the eighth of 8 children. Unfortunately, one sibling passed on last year suddenly who was a paranoid schizophrenia which was the oldest of us. My mother had 3 strokes last year. I was there to stop the first two from taking a toll on her, but the last one I did not even know she had one. Thanks God it didn't paralyze her or impair her speech, but affected some of her cognitive abilities. Well, my 16 year old daughter and I moved in with mother because she was weak and had continence issues for awhile. No one else wanted to step up to the plate so I said I would for awhile. Well, it has been very trying for me and has definitely put a strain on my relationships with my other siblings. They don't understand I still have to work, take care of my daughter, myself and our mom. My sisters feel that they can come over anytime they feel like because it's mama's house. I have asked them nicely to stop that because I work they do not!!! and I need my rest and so does everyone else in the house. Those request are ignored continually. They are always saying call me if you need me and when I do they always sick themselves of say I call you back and never do. I cook, clean, wash clothes, mow the lawn, grocery shop, take mom to therapy and doctor appointments, make sure has meds replaced, wash and comb her hair, take and pick up my daughter from school, take her to get her nails done, take her out of town with me, and other errand that I may have. the list is insurmountable. Since my mom has recuperated well the state will only give 2 hours a week for caregiving and that's when I am work not when I am off. I wanted to move my mother in another home due to her small house restrictions in the shower and just the lack of space to move around in. I was gun ho about the idea this summer, but I am thinking that they will not work. I have no help from any sibling for anything instead they have enough nerve to ask her for money at times and want to come over and eat every Sunday without bringing . anything. I realize this was my decision but it has burned me out already. Thanks God my mother can do her daily hygiene, walk without assistance, and even cook for herself from time to time. I am in the middle of trying to make decision should I move with her or move by myself ? I am asking god to guide me because he knows my heart and the guilt that I feel. But I need a break and I am just so exhausted!!! There is no sense in talking to my siblings or anyone else in the family because they just don't understand the daily grind of caregiving for her. I am restless, tired, feeling sickly daily and my mind is constantly raging of trying to make the best decisions for everyone involved. My siblings children are fully grown and married. I want to spend adequate time with my child and I cannot do that all the time as I wish. Her father co-parents very well with me and I can' thank him enough. I'm just sick and tired of every dam thing. no one cares of about how I feel. They say I have an attitude.
Feel free to vent al you want because we all do! If not already there you are bordering on depression. The anger and angst you feel are very typical of the period of adjustment that occurs during transition so you are truly not alone sweetheart and my heart goes out to you xxx.
Now on to the serious stuff. You need something to help you immediately probably some form of calming medication that will allow you to step back and take control of YOUR life. If am way off beam here then ignore that and go on to the next step.
Reading between the lines here - it wasn't ENTIRELY your decision to go and live with Mum, you said you did it because none else would. All volunteers step forward and they all took a step back sort of thing - leaving it down to you. So let's not pile the guilt on for the that - you did what you did because your Mum needed you and that is commendable not something to feel guilt about later. You'll see why in a minute.
I can imagine the scene in your siblings respective household when you moved in with mum. Phew we don't have to bother with that problem, where shall we go tonight? That's about how much attention they will have given to the life you were about to embark upon. And they envisaged you would do it all!
Now bear in mind that if you change nothing about your life nothing in your life will change. So time to grow a steel backbone and call a family meeting - I would suggest however much a pain in the arse it is you invite them all for Sunday lunch.
Sunday lunch will not be a full on cooked meal it will be a cold buffet because you don't have time to do it all or it will be a bought in takeaway pizza - It just will not be you turning cartwheels to try and please everyone.
I think your ex sounds amazing so keeping him on side is invaluable and it would be best on that day if he could remove her from the situation...I don't think your children necessarily need to know how bad you feel.
Then when they arrive sit them down together and tell them you need to let them know something important. Not that you want a discussion - you don't - they will try to browbeat you. This is NOT a discussion. Tell them you can no longer continue to care for your Mum full time and that you have decided to move out. That will throw them into turmoil!
Not a what shall we do shall we move to a different place or shall I do this. You make the decision and you stick by it gal. There is absolutely no God given rule that says YOU have to do ALL the care or that you SHOULD do it. It may be heartwarming for some, I know some find it rewarding - I personally don't but that's for a different reason.
There are 7 of you for goodness sake thats one day each a week. So you have drawn up a rota for 6 days a week that gives one of you a full week off in every 6 and they must understand that gets paid back and they do 2 days a week when one of you goes on holiday.
Its a take it or place Mum in ALF situation so let them stew on that. Tell them you want a decision in 30 days and then go. keep social services in the loop
As a person gets old, they don't want to move. They're familiar with their own home - so trying to get your mom to move out might be difficult. Realistically, mom might be better at a retirement home or AL. You and daughter find a smaller place that you can afford. Whatever you do, don't include your mom - unless you want all the strings attached to that. You don't want to put her name in anything as shared property or loan, etc... It would be best if she has her own place. Moving her with you on a smaller dwelling is Not solving the problem that you're currently having. It's just transferring from one pot to another.
You have to put your foot down.
But I am wondering. Have your parents made a will. Who is the POA?
I am asking this because I what my husband and I went through.
His mother has dementia. His LAME-Brother didn't help out at all.
My MotherInLaw called one day screaming to move in with hubby.
So hubby flew down and brought her to his home.
Brother would call and say "I think this or that'' but did absoloootely NOTHING.
His brother would call last-minute (he lives 4 hours away) and state he was in-town and would like mom for a few days. He NEVER gave notice and when he would take her, he never brought her back on time (3 hours late) and also when he went to pick her up (4 hours late).
Hubby's brother is self-centered. cares only about himself.
So my hubby got a lawyer and is now the prime caregiver and POA
Have you ever thought of leaving your job and being the sole-caregiver?
Do you parents have enough money to have someone come in? or even a few people?
We tried the PSW thing. 3 of them started okay and then they would complain or ask for more money. Hubby even helped out one with an advance for HER rent. Then she went all PSYCHO. and one of the agencies we used only cared about money.
So we found a place for MOM :) ... and it's hard.
Hubby works from home and on the road. Couldn't get work done cause of her episodes (dementia related). He hates that she is in a place, but at least THIS place she is well taken care of.
PS... Hubby and I are married. He lives in the USA. I live in Canada. I take care of my dad here. We travel back n forth every 2 weeks to see one another.
So my question:
1/ Can you talk with your mom and state that rules must be in place?
re: visiting
2/ If your sisters come over on SUNDAY, have them bring a POTLUCK type thing. Also state the hours they can visit and leave ie: 4-6pm (that way YOU can have an evening in calm)
3/ Discuss a POA with your parents. this gives you full ruling on anything. It's better to get it NOW before your parents can't speak for themselves.
4/ Did you know (and this is what we found for MOM) that most facilities have a few beds that are geared-to-income? And I mean the NICER facilities. That's what we got MOM. So instead of MOM paying over $5,000 she only pays less than $1,000) .. at first it was complicated. but a friend of a friend told us what to look for and apply. We were very lucky and got a care facility to take her within 3 days. :)
THE other thing? How is your daughter taking all this?
Hubby has a son who is 12 years old. He is mature for his age, but having MOM at home made son upset. She would yell, scream at times. Poor son had to deal with that and school. NOT good for a child at all.
What does Mom want? Is she capable of making decisions regarding her own living arrangements? We often tend to go over our parents' heads and assume what is best for them (and we are often right...but they need to know what is being talked about and planned)
At least your sibs SHOW UP. That's huge. You have a better chance of getting them on board with some kind of help.
I, too, have had to be much more aggressive with my sibs that I am comfortable being. They listen a little better--and I have turned mother's care over to my younger sister as my mother has asked me to leave her alone. We'll see how long little sis can handle the stress.
Self-preserve as best you can. Also, be really aware of the impact this has on your daughter. My hubby wanted to bring his dying father to our house. We still had 2 teenage daughters at home. They both said "We love Grandpa, but if you bring him here to die, we're going to leave". (He had a chronic cough that just literally rattled the house). Instead, I opted to go to HIS house 3 times a day to help him eat, bathe, etc. It was a really rough few months, but it was better for my family. I wish you luck and come back here and let us know how it goes.
As for people popping over whenever they please, you should give them the ultimatum to either get to work in helping out with your loved one or they have to leave immediately if they don't. If they're going to pop over whenever they want, then the rule should be that they will help, no questions asked. You should have at least one or two strong trusted reinforcements there with you to help you enforce that rule, and to help remove any noncompliant people from the house. Having reinforcement to act upon the rules will help people to get the message.
In my own family, my oldest brother "took" more than $100,000 from my parents. He was "excluded" from the will. My little sister took $60,000. She is also excluded from inheriting. Joke is on the rest of us...my brother said "We won't inherit enough to buy a used car. A crappy used car." I'm not angry, as mother owes me nothing, but money can cause huge rifts, which may never heal. I wouldn't use that as a bargaining chip.
I am 81 and reading these posts makes me even more sure I never want to live with my kids. I have told them and I have it in writing.
Sometimes, you have to do whatever to save yourself. Do it. My parents had grandparents living with them, it was not good for their marriage. My dad died at 61 of cancer, I had him at my home the final 6 weeks. My mom lived until almost 95 and I know I was fortunate that she was able to live alone. She wanted to live by herself and I told her that as long as she could get dressed and use the microwave we would work out everything else. She came to stay with us only when the doctor told her she had 2 weeks to 2 months to live. My heart goes out to people who are in the place some of you are. Sometimes, you have to become the adult and say, it is time for your bath. Do you want the blue soap or green soap or whatever. You are the adult, don't ask, tell. Don't stay if you are going to lose your life.
My heart goes out to all of you wonderful people walking down that awful bumpy road.
Listen kids I need to tell you there won't be an inheritance. I want to go to an ALF and I have found one that will take me - It will use every penny i have but this is my decision.
I do this because I love you all and I don't want you to consider for one moment that you could would should put your lives on hold to give me care. I brought you into this world to see you grow and live useful and fulfilling lives and I am so proud of you for doing just that.
I did not bring you into this world to wait on me hand and foot and to wipe my backside because I can no longer do it. So my darlings no inheritance financially but there will be one in memories of our times spent together. Oh and by the way if you don't all visit me in the ALF ....the puppy gets it!!!!!
You crack me up. Maybe I was off the mark there, but IMHO, in this case, I thought that the person posting was using the inheritance "carrot" as a way to get help. It NEVER works.
* Sometimes AutoCorrect and myself do not get along 😁
In a perfect world, the most involved caregiver WOULD be handsomely rewarded. We don't live in that world!
When my FIL died, my hubby was executor. He was legally supposed to charge the estate $22 an hour for every hour he spent on estate work. He didn't, as he felt it was "wrong". I renovated dad's condo and again, should have been paid $22 an hour for my efforts. I was not. Hubby's sis swooped in and took the car, the appliances, the "best" furniture before the funeral was over. Hubby said nothing. His brother who had not done a single thing for dad took his third---as hubby and sister both did. In the end, we were 'shorted' thousands and thousands of dollars. At first I was angry--but over time I have come to realize that keeping the peace in the family was worth it. (Oddly enough, my FIL's ex expected something from his estate--how funny. When they divorced she let him take one old recliner and one folding table and 2(!) not 4 chairs that went with it. That was it.) People are weird, and get weirder when money is involved.
If you have or show a so called attitude, I can sure see **WHY** & you have every right to have one & to show it.
Your brothers, sisters need to See & Hear more of your,
*Attitude & Hear your Opinion.* I think, what bookluvr above wrote is a great idea. Also, they need to spend a day or 2 care taking, so you can have a break, & to see & feel what you do & go threw on a regular basis. Remind them of the ole saying,
**WALK IN MY SHOES FOR A DAY OR TWO**
Maybe even have ( A SCHEDULE READY ) with each of their names on it, & fill in the dates & times in for each of their turns to stay for 2 days. If they say the can't, then be ready with a calendar, & ask them to fill in a date that (( THEY CAN SCHEDULE THERE TURN )) I am sure they will have all kinds of excuses of why they can't stay but at least it will bring it out in the open, & you could be sure to mention that you had planed for the ones that couldn't stay & (( TAKE THERE TURN )) that you have found a person who charges $XXX.XX for 2 days & nights & is highly reliable.
This would work for the ones who live far away, as they could pay for their 2 days & nights.
Each & every Caregiver needs something like this, we must have a break,
somehow, someway.
Here is a hug for you, & I am sending My Prayers also your way,
Your Friend here message board. 2Marilyn4Me2
So instead of staying their 2 days & nights they can pay for their turn......
It would be wonderful if caregivers were compensated for their efforts. I do mean care givers - those who give their care not those who are paid. but the whole title of the word care giver is that we choose (I use that word very loosely - the choice aspect isn't always clear) to GIVE care.
Theoretically if we are later compensated for it we haven't been caregivers but caregivers_expecting_something_out_of_it people. Now I know even that isn't always true either because once in the caregiving trap some people HAVE to continue to care or be forced into a homeless penniless situation and that isn't recognised. Oh it would be an ideal world where we all got what we deserved in life and where a process was in place to say if you care you get x y and z but life aint like that.
I am my Mums caregiver, her POA, her daughter (obviously) and her executor and I will not take a fee for the execution of her will because I cannot. It wasn't written into the will and therefore I cannot take a payment. What was written into the will was that I would do it free of charge. Pretty much like every other bloody thing I do.
Will I get the car? nope she doesn't have one. Will I get all her estate nope - my kids will get a large part. Will I have the will challenged by my rotten through and through sibling? - probably and I have that to look forward to.....that will be interesting I think. Will people descend and try to take things? They can try but my door will stay locked until I am ready to take visitors,
As you say Private every single person and their family is individual and long may it stay so for otherwise we are nothing more than robots.