Very sick of my sibling not helping.

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I am new to the site. I was looking on the internet for a local caregiver group and I ran across this one. I have read so many stories similar to mine. My story is that I am the eighth of 8 children. Unfortunately, one sibling passed on last year suddenly who was a paranoid schizophrenia which was the oldest of us. My mother had 3 strokes last year. I was there to stop the first two from taking a toll on her, but the last one I did not even know she had one. Thanks God it didn't paralyze her or impair her speech, but affected some of her cognitive abilities. Well, my 16 year old daughter and I moved in with mother because she was weak and had continence issues for awhile. No one else wanted to step up to the plate so I said I would for awhile. Well, it has been very trying for me and has definitely put a strain on my relationships with my other siblings. They don't understand I still have to work, take care of my daughter, myself and our mom. My sisters feel that they can come over anytime they feel like because it's mama's house. I have asked them nicely to stop that because I work they do not!!! and I need my rest and so does everyone else in the house. Those request are ignored continually. They are always saying call me if you need me and when I do they always sick themselves of say I call you back and never do. I cook, clean, wash clothes, mow the lawn, grocery shop, take mom to therapy and doctor appointments, make sure has meds replaced, wash and comb her hair, take and pick up my daughter from school, take her to get her nails done, take her out of town with me, and other errand that I may have. the list is insurmountable. Since my mom has recuperated well the state will only give 2 hours a week for caregiving and that's when I am work not when I am off. I wanted to move my mother in another home due to her small house restrictions in the shower and just the lack of space to move around in. I was gun ho about the idea this summer, but I am thinking that they will not work. I have no help from any sibling for anything instead they have enough nerve to ask her for money at times and want to come over and eat every Sunday without bringing . anything. I realize this was my decision but it has burned me out already. Thanks God my mother can do her daily hygiene, walk without assistance, and even cook for herself from time to time. I am in the middle of trying to make decision should I move with her or move by myself ? I am asking god to guide me because he knows my heart and the guilt that I feel. But I need a break and I am just so exhausted!!! There is no sense in talking to my siblings or anyone else in the family because they just don't understand the daily grind of caregiving for her. I am restless, tired, feeling sickly daily and my mind is constantly raging of trying to make the best decisions for everyone involved. My siblings children are fully grown and married. I want to spend adequate time with my child and I cannot do that all the time as I wish. Her father co-parents very well with me and I can' thank him enough. I'm just sick and tired of every dam thing. no one cares of about how I feel. They say I have an attitude.

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so sorry to hear for that young lady that felt she had no where else to turn. its a shame that some family members (NOT ALL) only think of themselves and what they feel they should have. its been done in my husbands family, only the manipulation was done behind peoples back and probably had the mother sign papers that she didn't know what she was signing. well he claims to be all church going etc.......I wonder how he is going to answer the questions that will asked of him. oh well, the greedy will always be greedy.
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I just got some sad news today. A gal my daughter knows of, was the only caregiver for her mother with ALZ. None of her siblings would help. About a week ago we heard she had run away from home. She told no one she had left her mother alone. She didn't pack. Just got in her car and drove away. Today I heard she went out in the desert and committed suicide. Please, I am begging any of you. Don't let it go that far. If necessary, put your loved ones in a memory care facility, no matter what the other kids say. Save yourself. Please. I am so sad.
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I wasn't fighting--just stating my opinion from what I have personally witnessed. My SIL took what she wanted, My BIL got more than he "deserved" and we got less, but in the end, everybody is still on good terms and that was what mattered. Our own will states that our executrix (oldest daughter) will charge the estate $XX amount per hour she will spend on disbursing our stuff. All the kids know this NOW, and they're fine with it.
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I think the whole notion of caregiving, care of, care about and payment in whatever form is absolutely fraught with difficulties arguments, hovering vultures with no bloody thought for anyone else plus a whole of people who just want to stick their noses in and add their two pennorth (says me who is adding her two pennorth!) Im sure Midkid wasn't fighting just putting another viewpoint.

It would be wonderful if caregivers were compensated for their efforts. I do mean care givers - those who give their care not those who are paid. but the whole title of the word care giver is that we choose (I use that word very loosely - the choice aspect isn't always clear) to GIVE care.

Theoretically if we are later compensated for it we haven't been caregivers but caregivers_expecting_something_out_of_it people. Now I know even that isn't always true either because once in the caregiving trap some people HAVE to continue to care or be forced into a homeless penniless situation and that isn't recognised. Oh it would be an ideal world where we all got what we deserved in life and where a process was in place to say if you care you get x y and z but life aint like that.

I am my Mums caregiver, her POA, her daughter (obviously) and her executor and I will not take a fee for the execution of her will because I cannot. It wasn't written into the will and therefore I cannot take a payment. What was written into the will was that I would do it free of charge. Pretty much like every other bloody thing I do.

Will I get the car? nope she doesn't have one. Will I get all her estate nope - my kids will get a large part. Will I have the will challenged by my rotten through and through sibling? - probably and I have that to look forward to.....that will be interesting I think. Will people descend and try to take things? They can try but my door will stay locked until I am ready to take visitors,

As you say Private every single person and their family is individual and long may it stay so for otherwise we are nothing more than robots.
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Midkid58, what happened in your case and what happened in these other cases that I know of are different experiences. I didn't come here to fight with anyone but just to share my experience and what I would do. Not everyone will agree with everyone, so let's agree to disagree and move forward. With all due respect, I can honestly say that everyone's experience is definitely different, there's no denying that.
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Caregiver25,
If you have or show a so called attitude, I can sure see **WHY** & you have every right to have one & to show it.

Your brothers, sisters need to See & Hear more of your,
*Attitude & Hear your Opinion.* I think, what bookluvr above wrote is a great idea. Also, they need to spend a day or 2 care taking, so you can have a break, & to see & feel what you do & go threw on a regular basis. Remind them of the ole saying,

**WALK IN MY SHOES FOR A DAY OR TWO**

Maybe even have ( A SCHEDULE READY ) with each of their names on it, & fill in the dates & times in for each of their turns to stay for 2 days. If they say the can't, then be ready with a calendar, & ask them to fill in a date that (( THEY CAN SCHEDULE THERE TURN )) I am sure they will have all kinds of excuses of why they can't stay but at least it will bring it out in the open, & you could be sure to mention that you had planed for the ones that couldn't stay & (( TAKE THERE TURN )) that you have found a person who charges $XXX.XX for 2 days & nights & is highly reliable.
This would work for the ones who live far away, as they could pay for their 2 days & nights.
Each & every Caregiver needs something like this, we must have a break,
somehow, someway.
Here is a hug for you, & I am sending My Prayers also your way,
Your Friend here message board. 2Marilyn4Me2
So instead of staying their 2 days & nights they can pay for their turn......
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Private--
In a perfect world, the most involved caregiver WOULD be handsomely rewarded. We don't live in that world!
When my FIL died, my hubby was executor. He was legally supposed to charge the estate $22 an hour for every hour he spent on estate work. He didn't, as he felt it was "wrong". I renovated dad's condo and again, should have been paid $22 an hour for my efforts. I was not. Hubby's sis swooped in and took the car, the appliances, the "best" furniture before the funeral was over. Hubby said nothing. His brother who had not done a single thing for dad took his third---as hubby and sister both did. In the end, we were 'shorted' thousands and thousands of dollars. At first I was angry--but over time I have come to realize that keeping the peace in the family was worth it. (Oddly enough, my FIL's ex expected something from his estate--how funny. When they divorced she let him take one old recliner and one folding table and 2(!) not 4 chairs that went with it. That was it.) People are weird, and get weirder when money is involved.
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Pardon a typo, I was saying that I'm sure that there have been caregivers who have walked away with cars and such because they deserve it.

* Sometimes AutoCorrect and myself do not get along 😁
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I should clarify that I have heard of situations where caregivers have actually become executors as well. In these specific situation caregivers have actually been awarded very nice compensation for their work out of the inheritance. I don't know how this worked for them, but it definitely did. In the end, it was the person who did the most work who was awarded the most but I don't know how it happened. All I know is that it did and that's how it should be and that's where I firmly stand. However this worked out, I'm glad that it worked out for those people, because no caregiver should be taken advantage of only to have nothing to show for it. In fact, I'm sure there have been past caregivers who haven't even walked away with cars and such, because if they're willing to give up a portion of their lives, they most definitely deserve it.
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OhJude--
You crack me up. Maybe I was off the mark there, but IMHO, in this case, I thought that the person posting was using the inheritance "carrot" as a way to get help. It NEVER works.
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