I'm very angry today. I'm being used by family.

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went to a counsellor today. she agreed that I am being used by my family. got in fight with mom today because she won't acknowledge how sh*tty my sister treats me and doesn't care. once again, my sister wouldn't be in my life except that my mom is staying with me after her stroke and sister wants to come over at her convenience. question: so a couple of days ago my sister announced to my mom that she wants to come over at 6pm tomorrow night and my mom said she would have to ask if that would work for me. mom didn't ask and then sister wrote her and said she is coming over at that time. didn't ask if it was ok with me, if I would be busy or whatever but sister only comes over here when she is already in town for something else and it has to be extremely convenient for her or she won't do it at all. this is not such a big deal in the scheme of things but it really p*ssed me off because it's just one more way she has disrespected me.. her schedule is extremely important and mine doesn't matter at all. I got really mad and told my mom that I wouldn't be available because I am sick and tired of being used as some kind of hotel/servant to my family. I hate my sister sooooo much it's almost unbearable. I don't want her over here at all any more. but my mom is staying here. there is nowhere else for her to go at this point. she could stay at my sisters but she doesn't want her over there. I am so. sick. and. tired. of. being USED. tried to do the right thing by my mom and my wonderful family is just walking all over me. counsellor agreed it's a tricky situation. I think I have just about had it with my sister and her treating me like sh*t. sorry for the cussing. I am really really mad. I think going to the counsellor made me even more angry. no one in my family cares about me. they are all looking out for themselves. no one cares about me. I am all alone. why should sticking up for myself mean being cut off from people...? I don't know but if I ever try to stick up for myself, I am just met with anger and rejection. my horrible sister is now ruining my one relationship that I thought was good. the one with mom. i just can't win.


Annabelle, I just posted to you on your latest thread, and my suggestion to you is to stick with just the one or the other, to connect/condense your responses, it's just easier that way, and way easier for those to relate to your situation, OK? I will be here to chat with you, and to listen, but unfortunately, I have pre- arranged plans with my sister tonight, and she'll be here in a minute, but I didn't want you to think that I am not here for ya! I'll catch up with you tomorrow, OK? Hang in there girl! Love, Stacey B
thank you Stacey. I hope you have a nice time with your sister. I will try to check in here tomorrow. I feel so alone. my own family doesn't support me. my mom acts like I have to agree with and give in to her every whim or else she pouts and gets mad but she tip toes around my sister. maybe she really isn't my friend afterall. i'm so tired of being alone. I am so tired of being angry. I would love to tell my sister off but this week probably isn't a good time. more about that later. anyway, thx for writing.
Do you have to be there when your sister visits? Say "while ur here I am going to run some errands".

I saw ur second post. I know what you mean by finally sticking up for yourself. What u may want to do is ask your therapist how you can do it without getting angry. Because, if like me, your come back when ur are angry. It's going to be hard because you have been layed back to this point so sister is used to u not fighting back and then when u do everyone looks at u like "u" have lost it. Been there. You say Mom is staying with you. Hope it's temporary. If so, you need to be able to tell everyone this. That everyone is going to help in her care. Are you married? Work?
i'm not married but I work very long hours. yes, I know what you mean about me being laid backa nd then saying something. it's because I know that my sister cannot handle any criticism or feedback and she's twist it all around... I hate her. I think she is a sociopath honestly. wish I could see counsellor sooner but it's three weeks to next appointment. I just don't know how to deal with her. I hate her so much I don't know how to relate to her...
Why do you need to be home when your sister arrives? Have your purse and anything else you need ready, and when she pulls into the driveway, leave! Or don't even wait for her to pull into the driveway ... your mother can be left alone, right? Leave at 5:30. Plan something fun. Go out to eat and see a movie, maybe.

You hate your sister. Why put yourself in a position to see her at all? And if that makes Mom mad, well, so what? Let her be mad.

If your sister can ruin your relationship with your mother, that doesn't really say much about your mother's concern for you, does it?
I agree with Jeanne. Leave the house or tell your sister to take your mom out. If they think a like let them be together. Instruct you sister that she is to get your okay before she comes over or the door won't be opened for her. Let her know you are the boss in your home. Hopefully, once your mom sees your are serious about your new rules they will knock off their bad behavior. If not, their loss. This time, it's your way or the highway. Be Strong!
Annabelle, just a heads up you don't need to start a new thread every day. You can post on your one thread. That way people will be able to follow and understand your story better. :)
Annabelle, I hope you are feeling better today. The advice to just try to not be there this time makes a lot of sense.

It sounds like you are a lot more sensitive than your sister, and that you have a hard time putting your foot down because you are afraid of hurting others (but it is at the expense of your own well-being.) The thing I am learning is that people can "take it." A really kind, sensitive person will generally not put you in a position where you need to put your foot down. It is insensitive people who are more likely to put you in a bad position, so they should be able to handle it when you say "No this doesn't work for me."

It also helps to have in mind what you want. If you can say to your sister, "That's really short notice, could you come by Sunday instead?" or "It would be a lot of help if you could take mom out for a couple hours" it might allow you to feel more control than just reacting to what she hands you. (Speaking from personal experience as someone who finds it difficult to be assertive.)

I am sorry you are in this position. Things will work out but it will probably take a little time to figure things out.

One last thing: If your mom has a history of treating you this way then it's really good that you are facing it. But if it's a newer thing, it might just be that because of her stroke or "age-related decline", she gets overwhelmed by bigger emotions around her and doesn't have the tools to talk through things like she might have before. I know as my grandpa developed dementia he would get really overwhelmed by any conflict and had zero interest in anything anyone less was upset about. Just wanted to mention that in case your mom used to be more supportive.
Annabelle, it seems to me you keep trying to get your mom's love and affection. If she's treated you like this all your life than you need to realize it's not going to change and you need to quit trying to win her and your sister over. It would be a losing battle. Instead, love yourself and take control of the situation. Stand your ground. Not with anger but with this is the way it's going to be matter of fact attitude. It's you house, your life and if you mom can't be civil then give her the option of being quiet, going to her room or move out. Her choice. Hopefully, she comes to realize you are very serious. Sometimes when a person doesn't appreciate someone else and the unappreciated person starts to stand up for to themself, the other person has a new found respect for that person. I know you care for your mom or you wouldn't be trying so hard to get her to appreciate you. Just know that myself and a lot of others out here care about you and we understand. I'm sending many hugs your way.
Annabelle, i hope you went out last night, and that you got some sleep.
1. What are mom's impairments, physical and Mental? Has she had a full cognitive workup ( not just a minim entail exam)? Is she possibly suffering from vascular dementia from the stroke.?

2. You feel like you are being used by your family. Did they make you take care of mom, or did you volunteer, not realizing what mom's impairments Were? It feels me as though you are expending a lot of energy being angry. Perhaps you need instead to be grieving the person ( your mom) who no longer has the same personality and capacity she formerly did.

3. You need for mom to have an assessment of what her needs are. How much assistance, etc. Can she be left safely at home while you work? Can she make a simple meal? Toilet herself?

4. You say she can't open doors. That is a red flag; could she get out in a fire? If you replaced knows with levers, could she manage Those?

5. Is mom content living with you, or would she rather be elsewhere?

Annabelle, I'm so glad that you're seeing a counselor. You seem to be a jumble of emotions right now, and I hope you can get mom's needs and yours sorted out. And that you can stop being so angry.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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