Update: so dad has been pressuring me to take him to uhaul or to bring him all of his money. I finally had enough courage to say no.

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I have posted twice about dad's intentions of moving. He has started packing, a sad attempt to behold. He started in two weeks ago about taking him to uhaul, so me, the big chicken I am, just cancelled outings. I would stop by on my way to or from office, super busy just wanted to say hi, see how you are doing. Well, he finally gets straight to the point, I want you to come take me to uhaul. Dad, I can not help you commit suicide, I'll not help you. Gets p***ed off right now, then bring me all of my money, go to the bank right now and get my money. Sorry dad, you said someone stole 20.00 off your headboard, I'm not bringing thousands of dollars here. Before he could say more , well gotta go bye. Like my butts on fire I am outta there. He gets it in his head and is obsessive about leaving. Can't remember what was for lunch but can't forget that he's leaving. Of course he has told everyone that will listen that he has bought a travel trailer and has built an rv park and is going to go live there. He has these friends that have agreed to care for him. I hear this part and DH and I decided that a phone call was in order, if they are really willing then maybe I should take him back, cuz it would be so much easier for me, I am actually planning the trip when DH says, don't get ahead of yourself you don't know till you call😝😝😝. So, I make the call and find out that yes they have talked to him but, no they can not care for him, she has severe COPD and is on oxygen 24/7 and he works. They had no idea that he has CHF, renal failure, dementia and all of the other challenges he faces daily. Their response was, he hasn't been honest with us at all. Apparently I forced him to come down here then just abandoned him. He was planning on going to Canada to gold mine with this friend that nobody knows. I am getting frantic calls from everyone, you have to stop him, he can't drive, he has no place to go, he is too sick, I can't have him here. Really, I have been telling you how sick he is and you all have been encouraging (humoring) him that if he can get there you'll talk about it, it being him staying with them. Now he is packing up to head out, and I need to do something. His sister texted me that he needs to learn the word no, and she is sorry that I have to be the one to say it. (I am becoming an expert at being thrown under the bus) she is only happy it's not her, they (his friends and family) have said we never thought he would actually come. So, I have begged, pleaded, yelled and cried trying to stop him. I'm a stupid lying fn b, so no listening to me.

Yesterday, my dear husband went and told him the facts of the situation, no arguing because we are not having a conversation, I'm telling you, if you try to drive, law enforcement will be contacted, you do not get to kill anybody's loved ones. Oh by the way, since you have treated my wife so poorly to drive her to the brink of collapse, I have banned her from having any contact with you for the next week. See you later and think about it.

Oh, how I love my man.

I get a text last night that my dad is behaving strangely, he did not like what was served for dinner so he pushes it aside, puts his shoes on the table and asks for cereal to be put in them so he can eat. I just think he is trying to be manipulating, this is the kind of thing that would of had me rushing over to find out what is going on. I know his needs are being met so I am just enjoying my week off.

I think I should have started a discussion, not really a question. I am just so appreciative of the help you all have offered that I want to let you know what's up. I find myself wondering about others that post and vanish so I don't want to do that.


"I am becoming an expert at being thrown under the bus"

First of all, you can pull them under the bus with you. Just tell him that you talked to Sis, and she's afraid to tell you that you can't come.

Second, now it's time to attend to his emotions. "Dad, I am so sorry that this is the way it has to be. It must be so hard to lose your independence. I wouldn't want other people to make decisions for me. I love you and want to make you happy, but I also have a responsibility to keep you safe. I'll make a deal. If your doctor will send me a letter saying that you can safely do xxxxx, I'll help you do it.
He may or may not be manipulating you. If reality is finally setting in, he may be depressed.
Good for you and your husband for standing up to him. My husband and his brother are facing a similar situation with my mother-in-law. She keeps demanding to go home when she is in no condition to care for herself. So far they are trying to placate her and redirect her attention, as some on the forum have said works for their relatives. Not working so well for MIL. She pitches a fit, calls people names, and demands to go home NOW.
Isthisrealyreal, I see from your profile that your Dad is living in Assisted Living. I would make an appointment to meet with everyone involved with your Dad's care and ask them what is the next step, or what suggestions they might have.

I remember when my Dad was in Assisted Living/Memory Care, Dad had sundowning so as soon as that would kick in each day, in Dad's mind he was living back in the 1940's. I would get these phone calls where he would say he had been in meetings all day at work, so he had missed his bus back home, thus he will stay at the hotel near by [which was actually his Assisted Living].

With my Dad I learned to just agree with him, humor him, when he was back in time. It was so much easier then trying to correct him as to what year it was and where he was now living.

Sometimes males will get an Urinary Tract Infection, and they will say and do the strangest things. During one phase where Dad was seeing ants on the walls and in his food, I found out Dad had a UTI. A few days after treatment all those ants were gone.
Your dad has dementia. His brain is broken. Say no and then say "sorry, gotta leave now".

I'm not saying it's easy. Just don't think that's it's manipulation. It's a broken brain trying to make sense of the world. Your husband sees this clearly.

STOP trying to reason with him, or please him. Watch Teepa Snow videos. Read Atul Gawande. Don't beat yourself up.
Jjariz, been there so many times, he is stubborn and a narcissist. This is month 9 of helping him. I spent the first 90 days with him, every waking moment, which he loved being the narcissist he is. Nothing I do or say gets any response but the evil eye since I told him I have to take care of my life and can only see you a few times a week, it is all or nothing with him. Could he be depressed, yes, can I get any help, no, he is soooooooo secretive because of his prior life that he is really good at showtimers. Nobody needs to know anything about him unless he tells them. He has always been a storyteller, whatever serves his purpose is the story he tells.

Barb, I know his brain is broken but, I guess you would have to see it to believe it. He is a master manipulator, I watch him do it every time I see him. He will wait until I leave the room and tell a story then as soon as I walk back in change the subject. I know this because I am told by whomever he does it with, they are flummoxed by his behavior. Nice and sweet to my face when I'm there and cuss me blue when I'm not, or tell them I only said xyz because she was here and tell some fantastic story.

How do you get help for someone who in non compliant half the time and down right hostile the other.
FF, just had him checked because of the obsession with leaving. The behavior is all over the place, which of course was another concern. His sister told me he has always gotten his own way and that is part of the struggle. He can't have his own way and there is no way around that. I can't tell you how many times I've been told, I'll do what I want, when I want and how I want. Okay dad, what would you like to do, whatever I want when and how, okay, any ideas, whatever I want, when and how.

I honestly think that he has lived so hard (I don't mean had a hard life) that he is trying to out run death, he has out run everything else he didn't want to deal with so why not this as well. He thinks if he doesn't look it's not there. So sad to watch someone that could have some peace just make everything as hard as possible.
I think you have overly sensitive hot buttons because they have been rubbed raw by his past manipulative behaviour. The thing is, from the outside it sounds like the kind of behaviour you can typically expect from people with dementia, even from those who were sweet little old ladies and gents in the past. When he rants to anyone who will listen that he has been abandoned in a hell hole and he's getting out of there.... So What?! The people he is talking to are just stringing him along - humouring him was your phrase - and know full well that he doesn't have the means to follow through, what would you rather have them say? Should they stop accepting his phone calls?
The man can't access his money, can't arrange a U Haul or pay for it, can't figure out how to leave if you draw him a map so why are you still letting his rants get to you? He is safe and cared for and you don't need to jump every time he roars.
Glad you made some enquiries and your hub, bless him, took a firm stance. Keep strong boundaries for yourself and work to keep your peace of mind regardless of what he does. It is sad. Can the drs prescribe anything that will calm him down?
The part of you that wants him to be manipulative and not broken ( I know, not a great choice) is happy to have had Hubby tell him how it’s going to be.

Probably felt good to Hubby also.

A broken brain won’t give it up. You will have to adjust. He probably can’t.

But you have tried this now and you will be able to see how it works out and thank you for letting us know and do come back and give us updates.

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