Update on my mom.

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Well, my mother finally realized that she can't do things anymore. In case you haven't read my posts, my mom is 85 years old with severe dementia and calls me at least 50 times a day, telling me the same things over & over. Today when I took her dinner to her, she had the phone in her hand and she said "I can't do this anymore". I asked what she was talking about & she said she couldn't even figure out to call me anymore. And then she said "something is wrong with me" which just broke my heart in two. I tried to explain that it wasn't her fault, that it was her brain that was not working right and then I brought up the subject of a memory care unit. I told her that I was so worried about her living alone and that I just couldn't take care of her like they could and that she should really think about going to a place where she would be well taken care of. I did NOT mention the word "nursing home" but she said "you mean that place I see on TV, a place for mom"? I told her that's what I meant and she said she would think about it. I know she forgot about it 5 minutes later, but I have decided to get some friends & neighbors together and have an intervention. Her neighbors are great and keep an eye out for her, and just the other day I talked to one of them and found out that she was outside on the street in her pj's trying to find someone to help her with her garage door. Anyway, it's late and I know I am rambling but I'm just really happy that she has finally figured out that something is wrong with her & that she needs more help than I can give her.


I'm no help, just read your story and thought how heartbreaking this must be for the both of you. I wish you the best as you take the next steps in finding care for your mom. She's blessed to have you.
Intervention will only frighten her, do not do that. Instead take her to look a at few facilities that you have chosen from a longer list. But, the decision is yours if you have POA. I hope....
I think if she knows that you will still be there for her. Visit and help her with all the "extra stuff" it will help her.

When she sees that the facility will be able to respond to her needs far faster than you ever could...but, with you still helping her.... maybe she will like the idea.

Once she really figured out she couldn't do it...that door is wide open. This doesn't have to be a sad time...this could be the beginning of a very good time in her life.
You might discuss it with her doctor, but, trying to explain, convince and get her own board with plans for her relocation often aren't successful. And, she may agree to go one moment, but refuse the next. Your group for intervention may just frighten her. I'd be wary of that and even if she agrees to go, she may change her mind the next minute or forget all about it. For me, taking care of things and ensuring that she got there worked. Are you the DPOA and HC POA?

I didn't realize much of this when I placed my LO. I did get her to agree to go to AL, but, on the day to enter she said she was sick and could not go. I had to really encourage her to get her there, as her doctor said she had to go. It wasn't safe for her to live alone anymore. It was quite an ordeal, but, her safety was the most important thing.

Eventually, if the person is incompetent, the family member in charge becomes the one to take the lead and get things in motion. Waiting for an agreement and compliance may not occur. I do wish you luck. Let us know how it goes.
coralmae, how sad it is seeing our parent not understanding what is going on around them. I still remember when my Dad called me saying he felt confused, that he didn't know up from down. I played along with him saying I have days like that, and that helped him feel better. That is when I knew he needed a higher skilled wing.

Take Mom to visit some of the Assisted Living/Memory Care facilities. For your Mom being 85, she probably remembers back when her parents were younger and how their own parents/relatives were placed in State Hospitals, which were know as asylums. A scary thought. Your Mom will be surprised how different Assisted Living facilities are now a days. And let Mom choose which place she likes best. My Dad choose the first place he saw, he said it felt like a resort hotel, and it did :)

Another thought is budget, most Assisted Living and those with Memory Care cost on average around $5k-$6k per month. Well worth the money. What is hard is downsizing. Mom would be limited on what she could take with her, depending on room sizes. That might be a major struggle on what stays and what goes. Bring the photo albums !!

Some Memory Care are studio size, some places have 2 rooms [bedroom and living room]. Mom would get weekly housekeeping, weekly linen service, 3 meals in the common dining room, and around the clock care. Memory Care is secure, so when it gets dark out the front doors to the building was locked, so no worry about Mom wandering out.

My Dad sold his house "as is" which was a relief not having to deal with construction people to make it more updated. Dad used the equity for his care.
Thank you all for posting! I was pretty upset last night when I wrote my comments, and now I realize that the intervention is NOT a good idea. I do want at least one of my friends there when I break the news to her, or when I take Mom to the facility I have chosen. There's only one place near me so I can't pick and choose. The facility is very nice and I have been assured that Mom will be well taken care of. To Sunnygirl1: I have both DPOA and HC POA, so I am covered there. And to fregflyer: the Memory Care unit has a small bedroom, small living room, a bath and kitchen area (the stove has been turned off though, it's just for looks) but has a sink, etc. And yes, it is expensive and we have to prove that she can self pay for at least a year until my lawyer can get her on Medicaid. Thank god she can afford one year, but for my own self being, at least I will know that she is in a safe environment, with 3 meals, etc. I worry so much about her current situation and moving her would take a lot of stress off of me and give me piece of mind for once.

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