There is an upcoming party and I can't handle it.

Annabelle,
I agree with the advice you have been given above. Why put yourself in an uncomfortable situation? Your Mom will be out of the house for awhile if she goes to the party. Yaaay! You can relax and enjoy your day!

Annabelle, just sent you a message before seeing this. It doesn't seem rude for you not to be there and you won't seem like an a--hole. Your sister was rude for not telling you about all of this in advance, or for asking you how you felt about it. Maybe your extended family has some sense of what things are like; they shouldn't fault you for being absent. (Like the rest of the ladies said, you can always try to set up something with just you and your extended family, or just get in touch with them once they get home.)

It really is too bad that your brother will be there and that it's you who has to feel uncomfortable. It is healthy that you don't want to be there though - not selfish or rude, just smart.

Annabelle you are crossing so many bridges so long before you get to them I don't know where to start.

So your uncle is coming to town. Lovely! Send him an email or even better call him and say you and your mother would love to see him if he has time to drop in. Make or buy a cake. It'll be fun.

Have you even been invited to your sister's ghastly bun-fight yet? Or is it still just an ugly rumour?

Either way, you do not have to be there. And seeing how distressed you are by the mere thought of it I should think it strongly advisable for you not to go. Make your mind up to that: not going. You should find it quite a relief.

So, supposing "people" ask why you're not there. Well, your sister and brother no doubt will make snide remarks. But remember this and take it to heart: they can say what they like, it doesn't mean they will be believed. Why are you so certain that the extended family will disapprove of your choice? How do you know they won't hear your siblings' poisonous comments and privately be thinking "well I'm not surprised she didn't want to come"?

Next, suppose that your mother is invited separately and rushes off to get her hair done for it. Well, just as it's your reasonable choice not to go, it can be her choice to accept and enjoy it. You still don't have to go. If she would like to, that's fine. She needs to tell your sister that she will need to be collected; or if it's not too far to go you can arrange a cab for her. You could even consider putting on a chauffeur's cap and driving her there yourself, as long as you're confident you can turn right round and come straight home again - but I think that might require firmer boundaries than you've got set up just yet, no?

Lean heavily on the old Civil Service mantra "never apologise, never explain." You receive an invitation. You decline it, because not replying at all would be bad manners and you are not rude. But you do not have to apologise, you owe nobody any explanation, and there is no reason on earth for your out-of-town relatives to take it as a slight.

Finally, get a bit of proportion about what your sister's done, here. You're not on speaking terms, so you can't really be surprised that she didn't ring you to chat through her plans. She's organised a party at her house, in honour of her uncle's visit. Is that really so villainous? Clearly, you are virtually allergic to anything that has a whiff of your sister about it; and my goodness I can relate to that (I went no-contact over a year ago); but do not start thinking that attacking you is her only possible motive for anything she does because that a) is a bit crazy and b) will only make you feel more threatened. QED.

Your sister is not more powerful than you. Your sister cannot hurt you. Take deep breaths, feel better, and hugs to you.

i agree with Katiekate, extend a separate invite to the out of town relatives. Mom needs transportation to the event & since sister planned it I think she should figure that out. If she doesn't mom doesn't go because you don't need or have to be there. If family can't see you at another time then you did your part & it's their loss. If they can see you & sis excludes mom because of the transportation then they get to see mom anyway. Take care of you because you matter, remember mom lived her life you need the same opportunity.

I wouldn't make the arrangements for Mother's transportation. She can do that herself. Or Sister can. Not your Circus, not your monkeys!

Is there somewhere you can go that day? Ice cream parlor? Movie theater? Local public garden?

I would not go. I would contact the family members coming from far...ask them to stop by your place for an afternoon. Just tell them that the family gathering came at a really bad time and you were not consulted before hand....but, you would love to see them.

Do not extend that invite to sister or brother.

You need to stay away from toxic people .. for your own health!

Why would you want to be around a bunch of a$$holes like that?

"Sorry, I have plans" is all the information you need give.

Hope you've arranged for someone to pick up mom to take her to this event!

Do you want to know what I think?
I think you are worth it!
Worth having a good life, starting now, not even waiting
for things to clear up.

Put each hand on your opposite shoulder, now pat, pat, pat, squeeze.
Say: " I am worth it"

That is the only way I know to give you a hug from here.

Dear Annabelle,
In the future, you can say:
"I have had thoughts of suicide in the past, but would never act upon it."
That way, everytime you have a thought, you will not be making a suicide threat, but instead just describing how desperate you have felt, then putting those thoughts aside,
you can talk about the hurt and anger without putting your therapist on high alert-wasting a lot of therapy time designed to help you.

Of course, if you had thoughts of actually hurting yourself or others, then you must say so to your therapist or other health professional in real-time, not on this forum, which is in cyber-space.

Annabelle, I have a toxic sister. She just recently e-mailed the family suggesting we get together for Lunch. I decided last time I was in her company that being in her presence is not good for me and chose to completely ignore her invitation. From what I gather everyone else has as well. You need to do what is best for you and your mental health Annabelle. Concentrate on that person between your ears! YOU! Who cares what they think.

There is something I heard once that is so true. It goes something like this.

-When we are in our twenties we worry about what people are thinking about us.
-When we are in our thirties and forties, we don't care what people think about us.
-In our fifties and beyond, we realize no one was thinking about us at all.

Also, when we think someone is giving us a dirty look, they are probably just constipated. :)

Absolutely not! You cannot go, never to a place where there will be people toxic to you or where someone is who had assaulted you!
The information you have presented here is enough to be able to tell that you would be putting yourself in harms way. Your R.S.V.P. could look like this:

"Absolutely cannot attend, have made other plans."

NFD: means no further details.

No, you will not be going. If you see your therapist before going, ask him/her to lock you up on a 5150 hold to prevent you from making this mistake.
OR, You can proudly go in and report that you did not go, thereby taking the huge step towards getting well on your own! With a little help from your secret forum friends.

Ok Annabelle?

There will be other parties or events where you may feel more comfortable in going to when you feel the time is right. Doesn't sound like the time is right, so think about something else that works for you at that time. Don't worry about not going to the party. Parties only last for a day or so, and then people go onto the next week. yea, big family or social events, trying to get everyone together is typically a stressful social event that you have to expend a lot of energy pleasing other people you either do not share their opinions or make the most of it. People ask a lot of questions a lot of times and it can put you off your game a bit, on the defensive, so stay on offense and spend the time doing something you like to do. Most people don't like to go to parties or events where they don't seem like they will be that much fun. Go watch a new movie, read a new book or spend the time learning something new. Make yourself a priority.

1) Don't go to the party. Too much negative there.
2) Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Do what is best for you.
3) What is happening in your efforts to get Mom out of your house? That is your most important mission right now.
4) When is the next time you see your counselor? Make notes about these stress episodes to discuss then.

Hang in there.

I don't think it's fair to me to be in the high pressure of a situation. I NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE AND CARE FOR ME, NOT BE THREATENING and cruel. there is a point where I don't want to be here anymore and i'm getting near it. MY FAMILY IS GARBAGE. I HATE ALL OF THEM. why don't I ever get to have one person in my life who genuinely cares about me and will support me. I am not going to kill myself but I don't want my mother here anymore. she keeps bringing that horrible witch around here. I don't deserve that.

Make the best decision for you, and only you know what that is.

please help me. I feel very threatened and alone. I feel like the people around me are crushing me.

p.s. what would you do? do you think I should go to the party and try to make the best of it or just skip it. there's more too it, I'm supposed to go because relatives from out of town are coming in who no one has seen for a long time and that's why it would be incredibly rude of me not to attend. I have nothing against them but my sister set it up so I have to deal with her and her posse to come to the party. she just set this up without telling anyone beforehand, even my mom who is the sister to the relative who is coming in. it should have been my mom's call what we do as a family for this visit not my sisters and she should have at least talked to my mom about it before making plans.