Moms 85 unhappy and miserable (has everything she needs) but apparently not what she wants.

Started by

Mom lives in assisted living and has everything she needs. Nice place but expensive. Mom is depleting her savings in order to afford to live there. Yet she is always complaining and unhappy. I have been her caregiver for over 6 years. It is not easy to handle moms needs and then listen to all the complaints. Today I went to the store early to get mom some things she wanted. When I arrived this morning with her items , she started on me, eventually she told me to just leave, as she says I never stay long and always just come and go anyway. Mom can be very mean and I should be so blessed to have what she has. I have always done what is in her best interest and what mom has wanted, and now she blames me for everything she is unhappy about. Mom say she does not know what to do . I am totaly stressed , what can I or should I do, her money will run out in a couple of years. She can be very mean to me, it seems everthing is my fault. Yet everyone says how sweet mom is, seems she is fine with others but her sone gets all the negative.... Help..!! I am loosing it trying to make my mom happy to the point that it is affecting me , my wife and daily life in general. Mom wants me to listen and do for her all the time. If I do not run or jump when she calls then I do not care. I am having a hard time with this .. It is beginning to affect my health. Scott

4 Comments

Maybe you have to detach a little-skip a day if you go every day-it sounds like she will be mad no matter what you do or say-she might get the idea that her behaivior is the problem. My mother can turn it on and off she screemed at me during one of her medicial visits and all I had done was to suggest my sister said she could take her if she needed to return for another visit. My late husband was so nice to everyone but me so I understand-I got to the point that I did not care if he was angery with me-at least then he would be quiet and not demanding as usuall. When she starts picking on you just leave-after a while she may get the message -but you need to do what you can to not be near her so much-and your family would probably be glad to see more of you. Just tell yourself you do not deserve to be treated that way.
Scott, I would suggest seeing a therapist to help you free yourself from these buttons that your mother placed in you long ago as a child and now pushes in you as an adult as if you were still a child.
I have seen my boyfriend go through the same thing with his mother. Everything is his fault & there is no happiness about her because the focus is not beyond her and her wants and her needs and her feelings. All this time of his life is lost because there is no thought of what HE is going through to accommodate her needs.
Acceptance is a huge word when you can no longer do the things you used to do because of age or a heart attack, etc. If people could only think beyond themselves & work with each other then life would be so easy.
Everywhere you look people are preaching how great it is to be independent. Not needing anyone. I don't understand that because in every aspect of our lives we need people. Every step we take involves people. If it wasn't for other people we wouldn't buy gas, groceries, have water, gas, electric, etc. There is too much focus on bragging to need no one that we don't see WE DO NEED OTHERS. Whether they are paid or not we still need people.
That kind of pride is why we are facing what we face with relatives and friends and coworkers, etc. A world where everyone wants their way when all it takes is understanding and compassion for each other. During the depression all people had WAS each other. There was no talk of this self centeredness.
My only advice is to walk away when the abuse starts. If she will not listen then let her have a few days without you. Reality will set in and the realization will take over. It is a hard thing to do when you love someone but their reality will become your reality in your life if you do nothing. Sad thing is...it does not have to be like that but while you know it, they don't.
The most important part of being old is acceptance of your limitations. Finding other ways to adapt, not shooting down every great person in your life to wallow in your own misery by having them share it with you. It will not only additionally destroy what life she has left but your life. As the person that has their bearings together, YOU need to be the one to take a stand and make a difference for the good of both of you, not accommodating it out of sympathy or compassion. Your not helping either of you doing that.
I know there is dread of the consequences but the outcome will be worth it for the both of you.
Sacline, if you keep doing everything for your mother, how is she ever going to acclimate to where she lives? Talk to the social director where she lives and ask them if they'll take a special interest in her for awhile. Then after you make sure she's set up with food or whatever, make yourself scarce for a week. Time to cut the apron strings. She won't die. Good luck.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support