Ungrateful parents that expect you to take care of them.

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Every situation is different. In my story of life, (after loosing my father at 18... Fast forward 40 yrs) I had my mother move 1000 miles closer to me, so I could help her in her older years (my two brother's wouldn't help). Keep in mind she never fully understands how to survive.on her own, especially now that she is older and not technically or otherwise connected to do basic business. She hasn't driven in 10 yrs (thank God)... Vision, etc impairment. What really hurts me is her ungratefulness. She even goes out of her way to glorify my brothers... And, sys "I love everyone the same". After she has never stood up to me or even included me in family affairs. I am. Treated like I am a worthless piece of 'something'. I guess my question here is how does a child except that their parent doesn't 'like' them and that you'll never have the parent (or any parent) that has show any Love to them? I've supported myself since I was 15 (due to circumstances) and I have never felt loved or that I 'belong, (which is demonstrated by my mother and brothers). I have no close relationship with any of them (after trying and giving of myself for all these decades). The hurt is always there. How have you coped and accepted this?


There are any easy answers to your question, but there are some things that you can do.

1. Accept the fact that you did not make your ungrateful mother the way she is. Parents with personality disorders like narcissism are not capable of showing love. They are all self absorbed in to getting others to love them, but never show any real love in return like a healthy loving person would.

2. Accept the fact that no matter how much love you show her, she is not going to be fixed or changed into the mother that she never was. I see plenty of caregivers on this site who are wearing themselves down to the bone hoping if they just show enough sacrificial love that the parent will change into the person they have never been.

3. Morn the loss of the parent that you never had.

4. Be a good mother to yourself. In other words love yourself like a loving mother would love you.

5. Find yourself a therapist who can help you with the journey of steps 1-4.

It's not an easy journey, but it beats being stuck in a rut

I wish you the best as you seek to work through this mess. In the end, the only person you can really change or control is you. You must chose to put yourself on a healthier path than people like your mother are on and stay on it.
Could be time for other living arrangements for Mom. You will never make this woman happy but you can certainly change your life. You are losing your life and happiness while caring for someone who cares about no one else. Time to make some changes! Good luck.
Can i leave town without feeling guilty?
My dad is 89 and the most selfish and narcissistic person, thinks the whole world owes him, especially me.
Yes, Scottie... You should leave town without feeling guilty (I did and it felt like I found my old self again). Try and get someone (neighbors maybe?...or, friends) to check in on him whole you're away... you'll feel better when you return and maybe he'll appreciate you a bit more... There's a saying "How can I miss you, if you won't go away?"
When it gets to that point....ask yourself the old Ann Landers question...are you better off with them or without them?

If you conclude you are better off without them...then change it. No one can walk on you if you won't lay down for them.
Dear Heart2Heart,

I hear you. I'm sorry for the pain your mother and brothers have caused you. I know you have tried to be the dutiful and caring daughter. And I know it can be a very thankless job. As caregivers we are looking for validation and acknowledgement. Give us something. We are only human beings.

I know its hard to accept but sometimes we just can't get a blood from a stone. We can't turn a giraffe into a monkey and vice versa. And we can say how ungrateful and unfair the situation is, but people will just keep taking from us unless we decide we've had enough.

I've been a people pleaser my whole life. I put everyone ahead of myself. I constantly think about what to do for others. I try and try and try. Being my dad's caregiver I did the same thing. But the last year of his life, I was burned out. I was very angry and resentful. In hindsight, I should have never let it get that far. I hope you will step back and try to give yourself a break. If your mother is ungrateful, try to make the choice that is best for you. And let someone else take care of her. I know everything is easier said than done. But for your own well being, I would take a serious look at all the options. I wish I did because I spent too much time being angry.

Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.
Find yourself a good therapist to help you sort through your emotions. Don't be ashamed to feel the way you do, it's what you do with them that matters. It don't matter if you work with a therapist for a week or for two years. Don't be afraid to have your mother move out of your house to IL or AL. She will suck the life and joy out of you and then some. If your brothers poss and moan, let them, they treated you like crap since forever and you don't owe them a thing. They aren't living your reality and feeling your emotions. If they don't like your mother's new living arrangements, tell them, "suck it up butter cup and you live with her and wipe her butt, I refuse to do it."
I live with my 82 year old sister who is ungrateful for anything I do for her she is always asking for help and none of her three children will talk to her she won't do anything around the house she is sleeping a lot more now and I feel angry

What to do to get her to move to a elderly community where she can be active again

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