Their ungrateful and nasty attitude despite you bending over backwards and being nice.

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Hi, I'm new here :) howdy :) Long story short: I take care of grand dad, 87, with slight case of Dementia, he lives alone. I do the BULK of the caretaking. I'm lucky in that he lives alone (grandma passed away many years ago), he can cook & clean for himself. But he needs help 2 or sometimes 3 days a week with a MULTITUDE of chores (which I wont list). I literaly saved his life at least 3 times. I'm the person who makes him able to live alone--doing everything from preparing his daily prescriptions, taking him all his doctors appointments, picking up his meds, paying all his bills every month, being on call 24/7 for when he does stupid stuff like forgets how to turn the tv on or loses his cane for the 100th time. But the WORST part about everything isn't doing all these chores--its his got damn horrible, rude, NASTY attitude--he literally barks at me, screams at me like I'm a dog after I busted my @$$ spending all day helping him out. He's an ungrateful jerk at times. His nasty attitude & verbal abuse is so horrible that almost NO ONE visits him--despite the fact he has 9 kids and almost 20 grandkids! Example: his son visited him and spent almost 2 hours moving boxes because granddads living room was so cluttered he could barely get around: afterward my Uncle was out of breath and pouring with sweat--but "grand dad" barks at him "Ok, Why are you still here! Dont you have a home to go to!"....The theme is: No matter how much you help him or save him--he rewards you by acting like an Ungrateful Donkey. It honestly IS NOT his dementia that causes this--he was like this BEFORE his dementia... How are you all dealing with this in your own life??? Listening to you may help me vent, or just realize I'm not the only one :) Anyone want to share their own story? :)

14 Comments

It doesn't sound like he has slight dementia. I'd be concerned with him continuing to stay alone in his home. Maybe, he was cranky, before, but he must be quite distressed now, since he is not able to do so many things. It must be quite alarming to him. I think I would consult with his doctor about something to help him feel less anxious.

My cousin was difficult and ugly some, when she first got dementia, but I know that I would not be able to tolerate the kind of verbal treatment you are getting. Id' have to make other arrangements for his care or get him some help.
Thank you SunnyGirl.
You're about my kids age and I can't imagine dropping the care of a grandparent upon my kids, with all of their own responsibilities. Perhaps it's time for you to move this responsibility back to his 9 kids.
You are welcome. I know that being nice is a virtue, but don't forget that you have to take care of yourself too.
Thank you Linda, Nasir & Sunny. Yes I do need a life of my own and to be good to myself...I think I'll ask his kids to help him out more.
Morena, some people are just cranky. My mother's father was a grouch. My mother didn't fall far from the crabapple tree. She is very grouchy and self-centered to boot. She saves her nasty moods for me and is very sweet to everyone else. Aren't I lucky? Your grandfather, at least, is nasty to everyone.

There's really nothing you can do except distance yourself. He doesn't really have any power over you except what you give him. You can always walk away and let him fend for his grouchy old self. It sounds like he has plenty other resources to lean on.
This is a choice you have to make. Either go or continue. I believe you need to go. Tell any one of his children that you can no longer provide care for grandpa. End of story. You don't need nor should you feel compelled to provide an explanation. BE DONE. If you chose to continue, when he starts the nasty remarks, simply say "I can tell you're not ready for company. I will come back some other time." Then LEAVE. Right then. Morena, this is too damaging for one person to take. It's time to move on and let some others bear the burden. You can do this.
Get going
Actually, he sounds very much like he has the behavioral variant frontal lobe dementia. There are two types of dementia, one takes away speech, the other is the behavioral variant (BV) dementia. If you look it up, you may find that the behavior that preceded the diagnosis was actually the presence of the disease. My husband has this as well as PSP, COPD, Cancer and renal failure. It is a very challenging path you walk. No regrets when you look back, dear granddaughter.
My Dad passed July 1st of this year. He was my best friend and I was "daddy's little girl". I miss him, not that I don't believe he is in a better place, I just miss him being here, knowing he's only a phone call away, I'm very sad and depressed. My Mom had very few kind words for me ever. She was always a "hard" woman with little show of emotions except negative ones. I never thought she would come live in my home! She hated my dogs, my husband, me. . . Really never would have believed it possible, but, four days after my Dad passed, she said she couldn't stay in their house, wouldn't go in their bedroom, and we immediately, that same day, moved into my house. I had two rooms on the other side of my house, one was for storage (a mess) and the other was for my pet rats (2 little girls). I know, rats right!!!! But, they are really very sweet pets, smart, trainable and most of all, they bond with their human, I love them. Any way, I moved all the crap out of the storage room into my dinning room, made room in my bedroom for my rat's cages, then had to rent a steam cleaner to clean the carpets, cleaned the storage room including wiping all the walls down window, closet, all in one day, it was crazy!!!!!!! See, she was always a clean and smell person and I knew everything had to be "sterile" for her to be okay, so. . . Then, we had to rent a uhaul to get her furniture over here and she ended up with a lovely sitting room, her bedroom and own bathroom, it turned out nice. Got her a house phone installed and changed our tv service from Direct to Brighthouse because she was unfilmiliar with Direct and kind of flipped out! Then, I had to start cleaning out, sorting and packing up her house, moved stuff in storage that she wanted to go to my youngest daughter, take care of all the paperwork for my Dad's affairs, now, only 6 weeks latter, she has sold her house and things are settling down, but, ohhhh the meanest!!!!! She is so "cold"! She can't do anything for herself and hasn't for 30 years. She just sits with misery on her face. She has 1/4 of a million dollars and says "I'll not get a red cent", even though there is a trust in place. She tried to take my home out of my name at the attorneys, though she can't because it's mine, still, she tried, it made me physically sick, and she told the attorney "she doesn't want anything in my name", so she will need to get all new paperwork done, which she may do, no one can say!!! She holds money over my head! Of course the money issue is my fault because my Dad took care of me all my 53 years of life, I should have been more responsible, went out on my own, and lived my life within my own means, but, he always made sure I never needed to go without any thing. I was spoiled. I was diagnosed with RRMS in 2004 and about 5 years ago, when my husband came along, quit working. My MS got pretty bad in the form of depleted congnitive issues, however, in this last year, a new drug, Gilenya, has given me a second chance at living normal, a miracle drug for me! So, when my Dad passed, I had already gotten a job to make sure I could support myself as I new I'd get little or nothing from my Mother. Then, all this happened and I didn't start work! Ugh! Soooo, now I care for her all day, sit at night and watch the same shows from 6 to 9 pm, watch Rays baseball, all of which I hate. We are not allowed to talk during tv time and I sit, in agony, because I'm a mover not a sitter and there is so much I'd rather be doing!!! I take care of all her bills, paperwork, banking, in addition to my own. I can't leave her alone and am not allowed to show any affection to my husband. She toots, hums, makes nasty comments under her breath, then complains about him when he's gone. He starts work at midnight and gets home around noon, 6 days a week, every other week, so he sleeps from about 3 or 4 till 11pm, so she says "he sleeps all the time", and no matter how many times I try to explain his schedule, it's to no avail! I'm warn out mentally and physically! I feel so sick! My vehicle started having problems, I have NO money this week as it went all to bills and gas, no grocery money and she is sitting on a 1/4 of a million and says "she was told not give my any money". It makes me sick!!! But, Im not going to take any more money either! She will have to stay here, because my jeep isn't running right, eat bologna sandwiches, and live like I do, until Friday!!! She has no one, no friends ever, no other family who talks to her, she has alienated everyone, and she is going to loose me, I think, ugh!!! I won't but I think about it a lot!!!! I want her to go to assisted living, which her and my Dad looked in to before he passed, it costs $3600 plus a month. It's a fantastic place!!!! But she knows no one would like her for very long and I told her that she wouldn't be "waited on" like she demands, so, I don't think she will ever go. She doesn't want to stay here. She will never be happy with anything and I will never be "free" until she passes, to what I can only hope, will be a better, happier life for her!!! I am living in hell in my own home, but, to the honor of my beloved Father, what can I do? I am ready, I think, to just be done and move her out, BUT, that would be a death sentence for her I believe, or, maybe it would be the best thing that ever happened, having to make a new life for herself at that very lovely place???? Maybe she would make friends because she HAD to???? I could go to work, meet some new people, help with our money issues??? I'm torn between old habits with her and a new way of life for me!!! I want to make a change BUT IT HURTS ME TO LEAVE HER WAY OF LIFE, it's scary, and I'm not sure why!!!!! I'm so depressed! And, I miss my Dad!!!!!! And now, I feel sick again!!!! I think I am lost😰😰😰😰😰😰
You are one person, Morena, and he has 9 children. Call every single one of his 9 children today and inform them that you will stop providing caregiving for their father on Monday. These 9 adults will have 48 hours to figure things out amongst themselves. That is plenty of time to book plane tickets or take off work to get to him. Once your phone calls are made, get a pad of paper and make a list of everything you do for your grandfather and post it on the refrigerator.

Don't let any of these 9 adults bully or guilt you into continuing because it's not convenient for them to step up. One of them is going on vacation? "I hope you bought travel insurance." Another has 12 kids, 10 dogs, 8 cats, 6 birds, 4 fish, 2 ferrets and a bunny? "Your home must be bursting with love - how soon can you get here?"

I agree with the poster above who says you are the one who needs to decide if you're going to stay or go. I wish you lots of luck and wisdom. Please keep us posted on what you decide.

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