My Uncle told me yesterday " I am dying "
My Uncle is 91 has advanced prostate cancer with bone met, COPD, ( on oxygen 24/7) and AFIB.
Yesterday morning when he woke up, he was very quiet. I asked him, while we were having coffe , what's wrong? He admitted to me he felt he was dying. It kind of came as shock to me because he did admit it.
For the past 3 weeks he has been telling me "I don't want to die" He doesn't want to leave me.
My uncle has been my second Dad and my best friend for as long as I can remember. We talked about it in depth. I reassured him I would be okay. He would always be with me. We have had a great relationship over the years. Nothing has ever been left unsaid and I mean NOTHING!
He tells me he is in no pain , sounds great to me, but he can not walk. He says his legs feel like jello from the knees down. I do lift him to the bathroom for a BM and to clean up a bit. He does have a bed side potty chair but doesn't like to use it. His reasoning is .. it makes more work for me! I have told him it's no work at all. Really I feel it isn't compared to lifting him. I have had 3-4 back surgeries. He has agreed to try to use it.
I have seen this coming for the past 2 months. He has been talking to dead relatives and telling them to go away.." I'm not ready yet"
I just ask who it was this time? Sometimes he tells me , sometimes he doesn't. It's okay. I just listen to the conversation. They are real.
After he told me he was dieing yesterday I made it my mission while the hospice aid was here, to get everything done before the weekend came so I can spend every waking moment with him. Weather it be trying to play cards , talking, digging out old pictures of family, watching westerns on tv, reading the Bible or just sitting with him, which I do on a daily basis anyways for over 3 years.
I want this time to be as beautiful as his birth.
I was told by hospice it probably won't be soon but I feel my uncle knows better. It's his body. Maybe I'm wrong and hospice is right? I don't know?
I do know that he has been the focus of my attention for the last 3 years. We have been able to do some really fun stuff at first but not anymore. Since July of 2015 the only place we have gone, is to Drs appts. together.
I don't leave the house unless he's with me so we haven't left the house since January 9th. That was his last Drs appt.
I feel like I want to carry him to the car and put him in and drive. He loves it on the road. When he gets in the car , he sings and talks about what a beautiful country we have. He is definitely more talkative!
He has driven across the United States 29 times. From Maine to California all different routes.
I'm not sure if this would be the right thing to do for him?
I am trying to do the right thing for him.
I will say this is breaking my heart. When he is sleeping, I find myself running out of the house into the garage and just breaking down and crying. I don't ever let him see me in this state of mind but we have shed tears together. Especially recently!
Losing someone you love is never easy, I know that. I lost my Dad when he was just 63.
Right now I would give my life for his. I am only 56 but I would trade places with him in a heart beat. I have never known such a sweeter,kinder, gentle man , than I have known in my uncle.
At age 89 he was still trying to open cars doors for the ladies. He is a WWII veteran and was very proud to serve his country twice!
Sorry to get off track there. If you knew my uncle, I'm sure you would love him too.
The reason I wrote this because I saw someone else post that hospice told her that her Mom's death would not be soon, just as they have told me about my uncle. Then my Uncle comes out with such a profound statement that he feels like he is dieing!
I know what signs to look out for but who can I actually believe?
My uncle or hospice?
Sorry this is so long but I have to get this off my chest. It truly is heartbreaking!
I feel alone here. It's just me and him as far as family is concerned out here. Everyone else lives a 1000 Miles away I do have a husband but he is sick also. I really don't want to burden him with my grief.
So I guess I'm putting on you kind people, so I can vent. I really hope this is anonymous!
Thanks for listening!