I have two siblings that are constantly telling me what I should do, but I am the primary caregiver.

Started by

They call every day to see how Mom is doing. When I tell them certain things that happen during the day, they feel the need to tell me that I am doing it wrong and proceed to give me advice. I don't want their advice. I want them to experience what I go through all day. Is that to much to ask?

6 Comments

"Perhaps you'd like to come and show me how it's done?"

Sigh, I know how hard it can be to keep things light and hang on to your sense of humour. Do they ever come and give you a break, or is that not a practical idea?
I would invite them to come...take care of Mom, and you will observe.

Better yet...tell them to walk a mile in your shoes..the tell you all about it.    Say..a month at their house sound about right?

Bet they back off real fast
Give me a break????????? They both work and have no time. I have to ask well in advance for one of them to come and stay with her when I have a doctor appointment. Then I have to schedule the appointment when it is convenient for them. Oh, they come and visit and then my mother "showtimes" and, of course, they don't see the reason to give me a break.
You need to establish boundaries. Tell them to stop and unless they offer you say two weeks of respite to keep their mouths shut. Why do they feel the need to check in daily anyway. I would start there. If you must, Send an email report to them on a weekly basis.

You are working too! Very hard and probably for no payment .
Well...

It's not so very outrageous that they ask for plenty of notice before they do their occasional cover shifts for you. But, so, if they can manage a couple of hours while you go to the doctor, they can manage the occasional day or weekend - again, given plenty of notice.

Doesn't matter if they believe that mother is just wonderful and marvellous (and they'll soon get over that idea once they spend more time with her!). Let them think what they like. These breaks aren't for mother, they're for you, and you need them. Negotiate! - what have you got to lose?
Dear mypetunia,

I know how frustrating it is to deal with siblings that don't even offer to help. Or worse try to tell us what to do, when we are doing all the work. The anger and resentment just snowballs. If you can, consider calling a family meeting. Or consider talking to a social worker, therapist or counsellor, or joining a support group. I know its hard, but try find other ways to communicate how you feel to them. And if they truly don't understand or unwilling to help then I would like for respite care elsewhere. Take care, I know its not easy.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support