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She has full private insurance, and medicare but all im hearing is medicaid medicaid Medicaid!!! And its frustrating I have been taking care of her at home for 5 years now Im only 23 and my health is at risk and I think im suffering from severe depression not to mention my home situation is abusive she is paralyzed on one side and basically needs personal care but I don't know what to do.....today is day one of trying to set it up, and at this point I'm depressed because it doesn't seem possible and in no way shape or form do I want my mom to go to a nursing home..... I've given myself a one month deadline and right now its not looking promising ....am I completely screwed or is there hope?

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The more of this I read, Honey, the more I want you to just pack your bags and walk out, as soon as possible. Your father is a grown man, and just like Jeanne said, taking care of his wife is HIS JOB, not yours.

I am really really ANGRY at him right now. He needs a good hard WHOP right upside the head. Obviously his father did not raise him well, otherwise he would know how to be a man. Grrrr.....
:/

You need to go away and take care of You, because no one at this home is taking care of you.

Many of us here have had to parent ourselves, have had to love ourselves, have had to talk tenderly to ourselves, because we didn't get that growing up. Some here are taking care of parents that are still abusing them. We want more for you Sara. That's why we are counseling you to move on.
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http://www.medicare.gov/coverage/your-medicare-coverage.html?q=home%20nursing

open the 4th link down called

Home health services | Medicare.gov



Medicare Part A (Hospital Insurance) and/or Medicare Part B (Medical Insurance) covers eligible home health services like intermittent skilled nursing care, ...
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here is the medicare link they took out

www.medicare.gov/coverage/your-medicare-coverage.html?q=home%20nursing
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Medicare covers some in home care, like nursing services, physical therapy.

Go to this link and it will tell you what it does and does not cover and how to get covered services.

To find out about what medicaid covers in your state, contact your local area on aging.

One other thing you can try to find out resources for yourself and family members is if your city has a 211 help line. I don't know where you are but you can pick up the phone and dial 211 and see if it works. If not, do a search on the internet that includes the name of your state and the words elderly aging department division area agency and it should bring you up information about programs and contacts for your state.

You may also want to contact this agency to see if they can give you any resources or advice. It is for younger teens but I'm sure there is info there that could help you.
Google aacy

Perhaps you can get a social worker assigned to her from a local non profit agency such as catholic or jewish services. you don't have to be catholic or jewish to ask them for help.

http://www.npr.org/2012/10/23/163480255/kids-as-caregivers-face-special-challenges
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You're right, and I do trust you guys opinion, you've been dealing with this way longer than I have, and you have children, mortgages, and a slew of other things to worry about. You're right I do try to solve everyone's problems, its like I purposely take the world on my shoulder's. I was just taught not to abandon your family, and thats what I feel like I'm doing. My sister was a patient coordinator at a home health agency for years and she won't even help me. She toldme I was being selfish when I asked for help..I'm still leaving....doesn't mean it'll be easy or painless....it might put me further down the rabbit hole with my depression...
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You don't want to leave a bad situation behind. Of course not.
You don't your father to neglect you mother.
You don't want to be the abused scapegoat.

Ya know what? We can't always have what we want. :(

The situation in your household is what it is. It is Not Your Fault.
Your father is who he is. It is Not Your Fault.
You mother has medical care needs. It is Not Your Fault.
Your father needs surgery. It is Not Your Fault.
You did not create this situation. You do not have to fix it before you can leave. Installing that guilt button that makes you think you have to do that or feel terribly guilty the rest of your life is another way your parents have of controlling you. You are way too smart to fall for this, Sarah. You are just too enmeshed in the situation to see clearly. If you were watching a movie about this situation you'd be hollering at the daughter to "Get Out, Get Out!"

He doesn't know, he doesn't care, and you need to find out yourself. Nope. That is HIS responsibility.

Yes, your feeling of guilt will be intense, because that has been instilled in you by abusive parents. You may need some counseling to deal with that and get set free from it. But YOU ARE NOT GUILTY. All of this is Not Your Fault and also Not Your Responsibility.

Most of the people who have responded to your posts are quite a bit older than you. (I'm almost 68). We have a lot of experience under out belts. None of us know you from Adam. We have no reason not to be objective. We have no motive except to help you. Can you trust us?
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I asked her is not happy about it, he's said yes if my mother's sister would do it, but she's not available so I'm not sure how to break it to him it'll have to be a stranger, I'm not sure if he can afford it I know he makes to much for her to be eligible for Medicaid. So Im now I'm just setting it up or at least trying its up to him if he accepts my help..I called him earlier to ask about Medicaid and his insurance he says " I don't care, I dont know, and find out yourself"! And then he hung up on me...I dont want to leave a bad situation behind because he will be needing a knee surgery soon so its for his benefit as well he can't do this forever either, I just dont understand his lack of cooperation...
I'm sure trying to get him to go to social services or wherever will be like pulling teeth but I do want to do this before I go....Ijust cant shake this guilty feeling...and leaving like that I'm not sure it'll ever leave...
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Sarahalana, will your father allow home-care into the house? If not, all your effort will be wasted.

You certainly could not apply for Medicaid for your mother without your father's complete cooperation. It is based on the couple's income and assets.

As sharymarie says, contact the Agency on Aging.

This is not really your responsibility, you know. This is your father's duty as a husband. He's the one who spouts off about fulfilling one's responsibilities. This is his, dear.

You've given yourself one month's deadline to get in-home care. Why the deadline? What happens if you can't set something up in that length of time? Then you give up your future and stay home? No, no, no!

Here is the thing: you can work toward setting up in-home care for your mother EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIVE IN HER HOUSE. Married couples, adult children living in other states, siblings -- people all the time do it who don't live with the patient. My sisters did it for my mother, who lived alone. So please do not tie leaving to solving the in-home care issue.

Long term care insurance usually covers in-home care. Medicaid covers in-home care. Generally health insurance and Medicare do not. Can your parents afford to pay for this themselves? Would the church help them? The way my sisters got in-home care for my mother and the way I did it for my husband was to call Social Services and ask for a needs assessment. Would your father go along with that? I'm sure at some point he'd have to fill out financial statements. This is because our society expects spouses to have primary responsibility for each other.

Sarahalana, you need to get out of that abusive situation. You can continue to work on your mother's behalf (to the extent that you can without your father's cooperation) once you are in Richmond and working. Once you are out of the picture your father and your sister will have to care for your mother. That may make them more receptive to in-home help, even to the point of arranging it themselves. If you visit and find that your mother is not being given the care she needs, report the situation to Adult Protective Services.

You have very limited say over what happens in your parents' house. Sure, try your best to set up something helpful, but recognize you are not in charge and have no control over what your father will accept.

The person you can control is you. MOVE OUT as soon as possible.
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I don't think Medicare will cover home health care. Call the Area Agency on Aging in your area. They have many programs your mom may qualify for and they will direct you. Check into respite care so you can have some down time too. I don't know the difference between Medicare and Medicaid but if having her approved for Medicaid opens more doors for you to have home health care, then think about doing it.
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