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So my mother who lives (reluctantly) in an active senior community recently told my aunt and I she no longer wants to live. Her doctor changed her depression and anxiety meds, scheduled an mri, referred her to a psychiatrist and told her she can't be alone until she gets a diagnosis. Of course because I'm the only family here, she's now at my house. I told her she could stay for two weeks until her new meds kicked in, but she is pushing to stay until she gets a diagnosis.

My husband and I bought or first house last August and have had a revolving door of my mom, my aunt, and my niece with us since the week before closing. We have made it perfectly clear that we want our home to ourselves. We finally got everyone out last week and 2 days after my niece left she hit me with this.

My mom moved here where we live 2 years ago and i have been her errand girl assistant, and garbage bag to dump all her worries, fears and frustrations into. I am so tired. It seems it never does and only gets worse. She expects to be my everything bc somehow now that she's older i am her everything and that's just not fair.

Don't get me wrong, she was a good mother. Or relationship has been good; We've lived in different states since i went to college though. My middle sister died 10 years ago though and changed my mom's whole personality and outlook on life. I am so frustrated and this post is probably ask over the place but the bottom line is, she's been trying to sneak into living with us since we bought our home and now she's using her depression to stay there indefinitely.

Igo back and forth along myself if I'm being selfish or is she. I know in my heart that i should be able to live my life just like she lived hers. I'm only 40 for goodness sake!!! Is it wing that we want to be alone??? That we don't want to be overcome by her and her overbearing manipulative ways? She is wire manipulative and now I'm in the position of having to say mom when are you leaving we want our house to ourselves. Sorry this is so long. Any advice would be appreciated.

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Your mom is still in parent mode even though you are 40...and you are letting her. Please find a way to stop this.

She isn't doing for herself because you always come to her aid. Say no once in awhile. I had a job right around the corner from my father's apt and he ran me ragged. Just before I lost the job I started to learnt o say NO and he still expected me to solve his problem...what will I do if you don;t do this? Told him I didn't know but I just couldn't do it.

When I lost my job he thought I would have all the time in the world to come and help him out. I finally had to tell him I had no money coming into the house and could not afford the gas to drive to his place. He was very offended by this and said he would give me gas money if he had to....never did. I wasn't asking him to, just letting him know that I could only manage trips every other week.

Then I got a new job but have no time off (well none that I told him about). Guess what? He learned how to get himself to a doctor appt. I still take him shopping but that is it unless he is in one of his needy modes and I have to put him off until it is convenient for me to be there. You got to take your life back.
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Choc, i totally endorse seeing a therapist. And meds if they are recommended.

It sounds like your mom has a very strong and domineering personality, and is used to getting people to do what she wants them to. You need to learn (baby steps) how to stand your ground with her.

I'd agree with her..." yes, youre right, im a very selfish daughter. "I'm practising self preservation just like you taught me to"
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She always pulls the I did blank for you card. I want to scream "you chose to be a mother, you were supposed to!" I have said it but not screamed it and she used her stern motherly voice to warn me... yes to warn 40 year old me. I hate to sound like I'm full of complaints bit there aren't many people i can express these feelings to.
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No that wouldn't work. They are not in any kind of disarray. I also didn't mention (because there's so much) she is an attorney and still is able to think rather sharply about things she's already known, if that makes sense. She was also an RN before she left nursing to go to law school. You can imagine what kind of patient she is when in the hospital. Her thinking is of course, I have enough room for it and she would do it for me. I wish were tougher sometimes but then the guilt and fear of being selfish gets to me. Sometimes I think maybe I'm overreacting but then I talk to other people and I reconsider. Since days I don't know good from bad or up from down. Which is why I know I need to talk with a professional to maintain my emotional health and physical health.
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Clean it out, it's a fire hazard, says your insurance company. Tell her that. Tell her she had two weeks to go through, otherwise she will need to delegate the task to you. You don't want to look bad for an insurance inspection. Right?
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Kwyattearp - Oh yeah she has clothes that have completely filled one of our guest room closets and also in our attic. She won't let me bring them to her because she needs to go through them first, then only bring what she's keeping. They've been there since October.

Last night after Ive let her visiting friend stay for two days (even though the agreement was one day) she asked if she could stay there for the remainder of her visit which is until next Tuesday!!! I did put my foot down and tell her no and that enough is enough. We aren't running a hotel and that woman is her friend but i barely know her and my husband didn't know her at all. It's frustrating to say the least. Just having to say no to my mother causes me stress.
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I hear you, chocsie3585.. we bought our first home in 2011 with a room for my Mom. When she needed to come here from another city, she stayed with us while I found a nice apartment for her within walking distance. Numerous things transpired and she is now in a luxury assisted living community. She does not participate in anything there and keeps asking to live with me. She has alienated my patient husband by overburdening me and guilting me out, so that's not an option. My goal is to clear her household belongings out that had to be stored in our garage so that my husband can finally enjoy his home without having to step around all her stuff. I had to set the boundaries and I am relieved thst I did. Now I need to lose this 20 lbs I put on when I quit meeting with my walking group to care for her. I traded my health for hers, and now I have a lot of repairing to do!
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Yes, you are right about that. With my mom there is something (often many things) going on everyday to impact my life. I think I'm going to start seeing a therapist because i need to protect my emotional health. Thank you for listening and for your input.
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Just briefly...if your mom has surgery, the very best place for her to recover will be the best rehab facility you can find. Not anyone's home.
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There was so much to say, I didn't say it all. So she has said she is not social but no longer wants to live as she feels she has no more value and is just a burden on her family. She and her doctors are also considering a return of her brain tumor. She had one years ago and suffered with depression at that time also. That's why she's waiting for a diagnosis. I am of the mind though that either way, depression or tumor, living with me is not the answer. If she's struggling with depression then doctors care and medication and continuing on in her active living environment would be. If she had another brain tumor them off course she can stay with us through recovery from surgery but then still she would have to move back on her own. If she cannot for medical reasons, them my house is not the answer. Assisted living would be necessary then. My mom is not a sweet old lady. She's not mean, but she extremely needy, pushy, manipulative and she acts like my husband is lower on the totem pole than she is, even in his own home. Even if i were single my mom upsets me do much emotionally i could not live with her and be ok. That's why i titled this'd post trading my mom's health (emotional well-being) for my own.
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It seems to me that if she is actively suicidal, then she needs to be in an environment where there are medical professionals watching, not family members.

Make sure you go with her to the psychiatrist! My goodness, when is her appointment? Psychiatrists are very careful about how they handle suicidal patients; "waiting for a diagnosis" doesnt really sound like what a mental health professional would tell a suicidal patient. Is mom really hearing what the doctors are telling her? Do you suspect any cognitive issues?

You are not selfish to want your house to yourself. You are going to have to work on getting mom into an appropriate level of care and setting boundaries with her.
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Sorry for the typos. I also want to add that i work 2 jobs, one full time one part time. Even with this she refuses to use the resources at her apartments and has me doing her shopping and her errand s. She makes me feel like her life is my responsibility. When i told her this she said well who else am i gonna call?
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