Tortured by elderly parent!

Started by

Does anyone else feel tortured by their elderly parent? Does it seem like no matter what you do, it's never enough? Are you cussed at, ridiculed, belittled, put down......no matter what you do? Are you at wits end? Does you elderly parent always say to you....."just wait until you get my age and we'll see how you like it". I've said it before and I'll repeat it.......I would not wish caregiving onto my worst enemy! Comments?

16 Comments

My mother would get that way from time to time, and it was really hard to deal with some of the things she said, I was always the trouble maker as a child and for some reason as an adult my whole family still acts and treats me like im a bad guy, including my mom sometimes. Yet in the end the only one in the family willing to give up their life to care for mom, was me. The thing that annoyed me most was how she still acted as if i was a kid i had to get her permission to leave the house. lol.. so i know how you feel, I think maybe they dont want to admit to themselves how much they really are dependant on us so they go on this type of attack to show how "independant" they are, or want us to believe they are.
I sympathize. Long story short, I've got a toxic grandmother and I thank my lucky stars that I DON'T have to be any kind of caregiver to her. Visiting her is bad enough.

What would happen if you just laid down the law? Just said "That's enough. If you continue speaking to me like that, I'll walk. You'll have to take care of yourself."
Oh yeah! I had a talk with her tonight and told her she had to treat me nicely if she wants to be here. I told her that my husband and I are "peaceful" people and we don't like chaos and drama. She asked what she could do and I just said, "treat me nice like Steve does". I also told her I don't want to live v in a war zone and she's going to have to let me do things like take a bath without telling through the house, "Where is everyone?" It's hard to tell what is dementia and what is plain meanness. I am hoping she remembers this since she recalls what she wants to and loves to feel on the negative. I don't think there is any excuse for being treated cruelly. That's my opinion, but I'm sick of the treatment. She can be sweet as can be to others, but so nasty to her "loved" ones. I'm calling her on it each time now since she says she doesn't know she is doing it. Now, she does. Let's see what happens.
My mom doesn't torture me verbally but she has said that same line a couple of times........"I wish I could live long enough to see what you are like at my age." She's 74. My response? "No one knows what the future holds for any of us, mom. I'm just doing what I think is best for you as your caretaker." The last time I checked people needed to bathe/shower, have clean hair, keep up with their doctor appointments, etc. Sometimes I feel like saying, "I'm sorry if this takes away from your TV time and sitting in a chair all day long time." Far be it for me to do the right things as a caretaker.....geez........mom wants to sit in her bedroom.....with the door shut.....ALL.DAY.LONG! She did come outside on her own....two times....this week to sit on my deck......only because she knows I've mentioned taking her to the senior center 1-2 times a week to socialize and meet people.....I think she feels that if she sits outside, I'll drop the subject......but I won't......we will be visiting one very soon.
Her response about the senior center? "I don't want to meet people." Meanwhile, she talks to anyone who will listen to her when we are at the store, etc. I don't know why I allow this to bother me so much....I know my mom won't change.......but it does...... :0



Omg Care4mom did my Mom sneak into your house? They are exactly alike..But mine says about senior ctr (they're all old) what the heck?she's 91..
This reminds me of when my brother's kids and I were helping Mom get out of the van. She grasped her walker and said, "I hope you never get old and have to live like this." I said, "You mean you want us to die???" Everyone cracked up except Mom.
Thank you god for this site! my mum says that to me everyday "lets see what youre like at my age?" HA! im going to be so fit,healthy and happy for starters im going to die happy saying "ok that was great whats next"!!!!!!!!!!! One thing this has thought me is get happy and enjoy life to the fullest! I want to die doing the tango in my 90s with some Argentinian YOUNG man!!
I'll take tall, French, and distinguished. :)
OMG I go thru this on a daily basis! I have my own home & friends & family.She lives next door to me in her OWN HOME all alone with no friends or family. I must repeat a hundred times when I do go over "is that my fault nobody talks or calls you?" She seems to be INSANELY JEALOUS cuz I am a people person always friendly to everybody. She wants me to tell off my friends & family because they wont talk to her. Again is that my fault? YOU WONT CALL ANYBODY W/O GOSSIPING OR PUTTING ME DOWN!
No matter what I do for her, forget it. She just keeps on SCREAMING OR HOLLERING. I have videos & witnesses up & down this block. Again this happened & Im so sick & tired of her lies,etc. It happens EVERYDAY THO!!!!
Well. I am not waiting till I am 90. I am doing it now - tall, lean and a cowboy in his youth - younger than me - and a very nice, kind, intelligent man. You don't know what tomorrow holds, so live your life as you want it now, as much as you are able. It is never too late. If you are not happy with your life, only you can change it. Realise this - If you got run over by a bus tomorrow, your parent would be looked after somehow.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support