Took Mom out to dinner tonight for the LAST time.

That is really hard BoniChak...sorry you are in such a difficult position. Remember, you can only do so much. And if you don't take care of yourself, she will not have you to help her and neither will anyone else. Take some time to take care of yourself. Even if you may feel you are risking something. Life is gonna happen regardless of all of your efforts. Put some of it in God's hands. Get your groceries :)

Every time my husband's mother makes a rude comment, we say nothing. She repeats herself continually, but "silence is golden". We have limited ourselves to taking her out because of her rudeness. This is nothing new, she has been like this her whole life. Although she has slight dementia, she feels other people are beneath her and she is truly lonely and miserable, and therefore criticizes others I think, to make herself feel better.

Good luck, know that other people share your world. The other day she told me "you hate me" because I would not allow her to have things her way.

Bless you and your patience.

Jessie mix water and vinegar half and half in a spray bottle and spray potty -it will clean it and kill germs and smell better.

Jessiebelle, I was charmed by your post. Did you share that on your facebook page, too? LOL

Seriously, what a riot that this is. We are like the mothers of newborns talking about their diapers. We can predict some of the behavior of our charges, but they still manage to amaze and horrify us.

Hang in there!

I wanted to give everyone an update on the elevated toilet seat that I was putting off installing. I installed it a few days ago. Sure enough she didn't like it, so I uninstalled it right away and put her smelly potty back in place. It is so hard to keep that thing clean smelling.

Been there done that... but hang in you will be glad you did... Just lost my mom and would love to be humilated again...

Raven it is sad that doc yelled at her-she could not help it at that time she was not aware of her behavior if I was there that doc would have gotten an earful -I was a nurse -no one who is aware of what they are doing would pull out an IV it hurts when it is yaned out like that.

When my dear MIL died at 100, I cried hard next to her body. My husband stood seemingly unaffected at the foot of the bed and I thought that was cold and cruel. I asked him why he wasn't expressing emotion. He said, "That is not my mother." I could not understand that attitude because to me the body-carrier-of-personality is a shrine. Then I witnessed my own mother's mental bitterness and decline. She had always been blunt and mean, but she treated US like you describe treatment of waiters and service staff. She was especially vicious with her 20-something grandkids. In retrospect, behind that cruelness I believe was a vestige of her lifelong sense of mission to "straighten up the lousy world and rotten kids." Her own peculiar form of Don Quixote's mission, her tongue-as-sword clinging to power and control. I then recognized that I never really knew her. Granted, she was mentally ill all my life, but as a child I was attached to her and had to project her love for me so I kept trying and trying. Once I realized I didn't really know her, not really, I have been able to try looking at her through new eyes. I stopped going out with her long before her death. I suspect people who want to "go out" with a person really want to keep their shrine of the relationship vibrant and not let go of the person they thought they knew. Your mother probably was not as troubled as mine, making your outrage all the more emotional and unfair, and you never had to learn to deal with inner ragings that seem to pop out when aging (or brain issues) devastate self-control. I think you are wise to no longer go to restaurants. I don't know if it is possible, but maybe, if you want to evolve without letting her go, there might be a way to try to figure out what her anger is about. Probably not, but it can be quite revealing to set aside our own feelings and try to get into the head of someone we used to know quite differently. I am so sorry you have lost your mother as you knew her. You are not alone. Take good care of your sensitivities, they are your maps for your future.

BoniChak: I am sorry that your evening at the restaurant went so badly. It is so nice to be able to get out of the house for a nice meal and then to have something like this happen that puts everyone into tears....well that tends to put a damper on things for sure!

I wish I could get my mother to agree to going out to a restaurant to eat. She never leaves the house unless it is a doctor appointment and that is under protest!

Today was a good day for my Mom and we talked a bit about how rude she was to the Ambulance Driver and the nurse last week when she was hospitalized and how she had pulled out her IV and the doctor yelled at her and how she basically told the nurse to go to H---, she could get up and walk the halls at night if she wanted to and she was NOT going back to bed! She said, "I just don't know why I do those things!" I told her that we knew it was really her doing it, that she didn't realize how mean she was being. She said something though that made me think...she said, "I think I was scared." She may have been, but it came out as hostile and defiant.

It is funny in a way that we still carry the hurt, long after the insult or injury they have caused us and yet with my Mom at least, in 15 minutes she doesn't remember anything and it is a whole new day for her. Although I don't want to lose my memory, it would be nice to be able to "drop it" whatever "it" may be, that fast and move one with our lives rather than harbor anger or resentment.

Next time you are in the mood for a meal you may have to do what we do, get it "To go." At least you will still be able to enjoy a nice meal, even if it must be within the confines of your own home.

God Bless You!

That sounds like a handfull. I can sympathize. My Mother doesn't have dementia but is in a lot of physical pain all the time. Her initial reaction to this was to cut ties with all friends & essentially the entire world. THe result: Now she's alone, bitter, and needy. Afraid to leave the house alone and depends on me to hold her hand for things as simple as running to the corner market.
Its really sad to see someone who worked so hard and provide so many opportunities for me as a young person be so needy, scared & generally inept at being in public. Shes SO SCARED, in fact (OF everything from germs to bugs and other people) that just the strength to overcome that fear is read outwardly as a REALLY BAD F'ING ATTITUDE and RUDENESS. It's humiliating, yes. And i feel ity at the other end of that spectrum. Makes life interesting though, no? You go out... and you just never know what's going to happen.

Sylvial, that is such a sad way to lose your father. I know that Christmas will be sad for your this year. I hope you can have something special to honor him. I can tell that you loved him so much. Loving like that is a wonderful gift, though the grief is hard. I hope it becomes easier for you soon.

Yes it is,, I am thankful today I forced myself to go visit my mother and she was having a lucid moment and I am going to cherish those. Because I know they will become less and less. Keep your chin up your loss is a fresh open wound right now.. I Lost my father on christmas night he died suddenly (widow maker heart attack my mother found him dead the next morning.. Everyone says it gets easier and some days are better but not a day goes by I don't miss him or think of him and then some weeks I am going backwards last week was tough. I miss him so much

Thank you Sylvia! Oh how I remember the days like those.....dementia is a very cruel disease!

Beecindy,, sorry for your loss..

Oh, I can relate so much. Sometimes no matter how hard we try, our elder loved ones are never content. I dread doing things around the house because I know I won't do them good enough. For example, right now I have an elevated toilet seat that I want to install. The potty chair she uses over the toilet can smell so bad no matter how often I clean it. I'm reluctant to put in the new toilet seat because I know she will say she doesn't like it and for me to take it off. That is the way it always goes with her. If I cook, the food doesn't taste good enough. If I choose a color of paint for the house, the color is not right. If I take her to a restaurant, she wanted to go to a different one. There is no way to make some people happy. The best we can do is not to get pulled in to the misery pit with them. After a few years it is hard not to give up and just fall in the pit.

Another "God give me patience" story: One day I decided to go visit Mom at the NH by myself (Uncle was in rehab at the time). It was a beautiful day and I was so happy to have the chance to visit and have her all to myself for a change. Mom was so surprised to see me and I decided to just get her out of there and take her to a nice lunch. We went to a lovely Chinese restaurant that had been recently remodeled with a gorgeous big dining room with booths as well as tables. I asked for a booth by the window, and as soon as we sat down, Mom remarked that the bench was too low. We switched to a table but the chairs were not to her satisfaction either. Then the tea was too hot ( we asked for a few ice cubes), the teacups had no handles, it didn't taste like regular tea. Then the food arrived - not hot enough, warmed up, and now too dry. We got extra brown sauce, piping hot to moisten and wam the food. She was still not happy. All these remarks well within earshot of other patrons, who graciously 'ignored' us. After we left the restaurant, she told me the food wasn't very good and I said (to appease her) that she was right and I would not take her there again. It was pretty hot when we left, so I took her to McDonalds for the little soft ice cream cones. She thought that was great, so I guess you could call it a happy ending! So much for anticipating an actually enjoyable afternoon with Mom. All this was so frustrating (and sad) at the moment, but comical in retrospect. I suppose these are minor annoyances to put up with, but the fact remains that it is getting harder and harder to take her out in public. I never know how she is going to behave anymore (except negatively), and yet I get her out at least once a month for an entire day (beauty parlor and lunch or supper). I fully sympathize with those who are going through much worse than this.

My late aunt and my father (her brother) both had dementia at the same time. When the two of them got together for a visit, it was a comedy of "no filter." My aunt was a prim-and-proper retired schoolmarm with the gray hair in a bun who would never say S*** if she had a mouthful of it! However, in the dementia state, she became fixated on the word "ass." In the nursing home, her daughter, my cousin, reported that she would look at an overweight nurse and proclaim "well, would you look at the ass on that one!" She was very aware that she was saying it, but the former "filter" was gone - so whatever she thought came out! My theory is that all of those repressed impulses suddenly appear in dementia. The way I coped with it was to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing, as there was nothing I could do to change the situation.

But there DOES come a point where it is unfair to take our elderly parents out in public in crowded spaces, such as a restaurant. Their behavior embarrasses us, them, and those around them. As the disease progresses, their behavior can also present a danger to themselves or others if they become surly and belligerent. My father decided he was going to pull out the hair of the old ladies in his nursing home....and just started yanking their hair and pulling out fists-full. He never would have done this type of thing as a younger man.

I can identify with this. Lived w/mom now over a year, feels like 20 years! She is mean, and can out cuss a 'drunken sailor' anytime. Myself and my dog have been victims of her physical abuse & verbal abuse. I am constantly cleaning up after her and her dog, etc.....depressing to say the least. I am scared to leave the house to get her supplies, food, etc. as I don't know what I will find upon arrival. I have learned to race thru stores, even w/my arthritis and not be gone more than 2 hours. Hard to find anytime for yourself. Perhaps you could find someone in a church group or volunteer, family member to stay while you shop? That is what I am trying to do now. God Bless!

Thankfully I can only relate to the outbursts and saying things that are not appropriate. My mom just passed away a couple of weeks ago but I dealt with the dementia. Thank God she was not mean or rude. However I had those "God help me days" All I can say is at the time all I could think of was some sanity and now that mom is gone I wish I had treated even better and with more understanding. US caregivers put up with alot! We all deserve wings but I wish I was still considered a caregiver and I had my mom to get a "God help me" feeling....prayers for everyone.

I know what you mean. Mom is mostly deaf so she doesn't talk quietly. My daughter and I took her to lunch and she sang a little ditty (which she learned from her mom - we're talking 90 years ago). It was, by today's standards, racist. Thank goodness the restaurant was nearly empty and there were no people in that group within hearing distance. I was SO EMBARRASSED! Of course, she had no idea that what she said was now inappropriate.

Kazzaa, I bet the restaurant went quiet because they were hoping you Mum would follow up with more descriptions of her experiences!!!!!!!!!

Boni, I know there is far more to this than dealing with an elderly demented person in public. BUT if people actually want to take their loved one to a restaurant for a meal so a whole extended family can participate in an
important celebration I would suggest approaching a restaurant owner and explaining the circumstances and maybe renting a small side room and alerting the staff not to be offended by any remarks the elder makes. Be prepared to tip well for any servers who suffer from bad mouthing

Morning all. (can't say "good") I tried this morning to behave as if nothing happened last night, assuming she would not remember. All she remembers was that I was upset last night and would not tell her why. Instead of asking me, she has just been a raging bitch. We have NO groceries but I can't leave to go shopping, because when she is in this mood she is extra defiant and the minute I leave, she will be up walking around, until, of course, she falls. I am the bad guy. Not her dementia...that's my fault too. GOD give me strength!

Kazzaa, those are the worst time. My mother is racist in the old polite southern woman way. I have had to quiet her a few times when she starts expressing her views on some stereotype.

My mum was in resto the other night telling us AGAIN about this story in respite then when the whole place went quiet at the top of her voice" WELL I NEVER THOUGHT A BLACK WOMAN WOULD BE PUTTING ON MY KNICKERS" I just wanted to die!! PS my mum is not at all racist but why did resto go quiet just when she said this!!!!!!!!!!! BEAM ME UP SCOTTY!! if only!

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) I know it hurts.

Boni's asleep, but some of the rest of us are up, Capn. No advice. Just eyes and ears.

ill bet there are good days and bad days boni. i dont have any valium, its a bad day for me.

Jessie Belle my mother would do the same thing talk about how overweight someone was when although not obese she was definately packing some weight.. Hello kettle this is the pot. LOL And you are 100% right a dose of her own medicine would never work,, they are only self aware.. Tonight on the phone my mother was calling my dad some bad names and if I didn't know how much she loved him and she has dementia I would have been offended,, he passed christmas night suddenly.. The last eight months feels like years.

The only positive note on that is now when she has an appointment we don't wait too long because I will tell the front desk she doesn't do well in crowded rooms and what she did at the lab and funny thing they get her back pretty quick.. LOL