I actually told my mother, I hate my life and I wish I was dead.....

Yes, PamelaSue , I see your point. Many people have those tapes playing in their heads saying "you are not good enough ", " you did not try hard enough", " you could do better" mostly from being raised by people who said those things; and that guilt is VERY self destructive and should be avoided!! You can retrain your brain and play new tapes that say -"You ARE good enough", " You DID try your hardest" and " you did the BEST you can do"- like Al Frankin SNL character- I'm good enough and darn it, people like me( or something like that). It really is important to get those bad tapes out of your head. I heard that it actually changes the chemistry of your brain.

WE ARE GOOD ! WE ARE AWESOME!! AND DARN IT--- PEOPLE LIKE US!!!! ;0)

OK^that sounds just plain weird. Like a backhanded compliment.

There are two kinds of guilt.

Real guilt, as in, you are in the wrong. Then fix it. Case closed.

False guilt, this is bad juju. Throw this guilt out!!! You have done nothing wrong, but there are bad tapes in your heard courtesy of a bad mommy or daddy. You are NOT a bad person, you have been harmed by bad parents. DO NOT LISTEN to bad tapes. When those tapes play, turn them off by telling the voices, "YOU LIE! I am a wonderful person, a loving and caring and generous person." You may have to say this many times to kill the bad juju. Keep it up, enlist the help of those who love and know you best.

It is impossible to do a good enough job as a care-giver that you won't feel guilty. No one can be perfect. If you did even more, you would still feel guilty.

Guilt is almost a sign that you're doing a good job. When you feel guilt, do a quick reality check to make sure you have covered the basics, and thrown in a little extra out of love. Then go ahead and take care of yourself.

Please hon, get help even if you have to pay for a little of it. Do not be fed the guilt trip that when you were 2, they changed your diapers or took you to school. There is a HUGE difference in changing a 2 year old than an elderly person who weighs much more -- I know - I have done both. No parent I have ever heard commutes 4 hours to take their child to school.
I am constantly amazed at how I hear teens and people in their 20's referenced as a "shelfish generation." By my own experience and what I read on here, one of the most shelfish generations in many cases is the elderly.
I am in my early 40's and I am already trying to make plans as to what I will do in regards to my child (an only child too as well as myself) and my care giving situation. I do not want this for my child what I read on here and what I have experienced with my grandparents and now my father-in-law. I simply do not see how any loving parent would want to stress their child out to the point that they feel that death is better than the current life they are living. That is not love, that is narcissism.

^that is for Jeannegibbs. hey honey, I just found your comment and got back to you. You're right. We are getting our money's worth. :D

I wish you had a facebook!

it WAS an .org !

I do know that they have rules, it doesn't stop them from chafing or me from complaining about it. And I will continue to complain about it. If they have time to delete it, they have time to check it out.

I don't bother contacting them because I'm sure they don't give a rat's behind, lolz. Most websites don't.

Cutting N. out of my life was the best decision I EVER made! I so wish all of you could do that. I promise you that I have never felt any guilt whatsoever, only the complete joy of release and relief. Please consider it.

Thanks whirlpool. Unfortunately, my mom knew exactly what she was doing and what she had done. She didn't have dementia. She just didn't think she ever had to apologize to anyone, especially to me. She treated my younger sister like a princess. That's pretty much the MO of a narcissist.
I just thought of this. For mom's 80th bday, I bit the bullet and got her some turquoise jewelry she had been whining for. Her reaction? It's not exactly what I wanted, the earrings aren't the right size, where do you think I'm ever going to wear this? and Absolutely no utterance of a thank you. My sister sent her a small bouquet of flowers and I'm surprised she didn't call the newspaper and have it plastered on the front page. I wish I hadn't even bothered.

Hi, gsw92498, I'll say 22 years is enough... My husband and I moved out of the city when we had the chance to buy a home. City prices were just outrageous and out of the question. My husband runs his own business and is a very successful contractor. Me, I run the front end of a high end pharmacy and cosmetic outlet. My parents knew we would be a couple of hours away, no matter what. That was fine for a short while
until they became more and more dependant on me to take care of there needs over the years. It turned into a total juggling act. Work, home, parents. I almost went insane trying to make it all work.

My dad in 07 insisted I take time off of work to help them in their home. I did only to learn it was for him to sit around on his ass and be waited on so he didn't have to care for my mother. Their house must have been 90 degrees at all times and became so unbearable that I just sweated all the time. I would turn down the heat only to be told.. "It's COLD in here". I stayed for 2 weeks until I couldn't take any more and arranged for home support for them. It took a couple of days to make all the phone calls and connect with the right people. A lot of the home workers turned out to be thieves. I reported them but was told it was their word against mine. They lied their way out of situations and were still allowed to keep there jobs. Money went missing, some of moms jewellery including a pearl necklace I had made for her.
I considered installing surveillance cameras to catch them but it would lead to refusal of home support and services. Caught between a rock and a hard place.
My dad is a tyrant and treated a few of them as if they were his own personal slaves. Couldn't cook, couldn't clean, etc. Nothing was going right. Dad didn't want a shopping service because they wouldn't choose the right tomatoes or lettuce and he would have to pay them to shop. So my responsibilities just grew into a catastrophic explosion. I would be so stressed out after the travelling to attend to all their needs that I would have a melt down on the way home. I just hated the thought of going to see them because it would turn into a huge bitching fest of what was SO wrong for them. Then one thing after another and on and on. Now 22 years later, not much has changed except dad has been in hospital for almost 4 months again and is on the list for a care home and mom to. I don't like the thought of my mother being at home alone because she is not safe but she is doing o.k. with more additional hours in place for her care. I'm worn out.... I'll be going in to do her grocery shopping today and whatever else. My mother will always be demanding and bossy but I just say NO!!!! if I can't manage the next task that is expected of me. The facility that they end up in is going to have a terrible time with both of them. God help them. They'll need nerves of steel.

Anksana-Moon

Alwaysmyduty, I'm sorry that you have had to deal with those similar things. I don't think they can apologize for what they cannot comprehend and if they could have comprehended it then maybe they never would have been that way to begin with??? Hugs your way.

PamelaSue, over the years I have been very active in several different discussion boards. Some I paid an annual fee for, some were free. All of them had rules. We are all always free to not participate if we don't like the rules. Or we can also make constructive suggestions to the site administrator about rules that don't make sense to us.

This free site, which includes input from experts, articles, and unlimited access to discussion threads, has a rule against urls except for .org and .gov and references to this site. It's a rule. Even though it is a published rule, many people do it anyway, and a moderator (or moderating program?) removes the references. If there weren't a rule I'm pretty sure the number of websites listed would be much, much higher. Ensuring that all of them are legitimate would be more burdensome that it appears that it would be now.

None of the discussion boards that I've belonged to had moderators that actually checked that every url listed is legitimate. If that is an added service that you think would be valuable, perhaps you'd like to make that suggestion to the site administrator. Unless you can get the rule changed, though, you can expect it to be enforced.

I'm grateful that this site is here, that they keep it running 24/7/365, promptly deal with any system problems, server crashes, needs for expanded storage space, and after-the-fact high-level moderation. I appreciate expert answers to some questions. I appreciate many of the articles (and I think some are pretty worthless) -- it is all definitely worth what I pay for it. :D I try to abide by the rules, and I have also contacted the staff with suggestions.

Whirlpool, you have described me to a T. Thank you for sharing your experience. I tried to get my mom to apologize to me just ONE time, that's all I wanted. She would not, did not, could not. Instead she told me I was mentally ill to think she ever did anything to me. She died 2 years ago. I wasn't sad, I was mad. I never got the love, the validation, the encouraging words...and then she left. Period. How I got through life as good as I did I attribute to my loving, wonderful father. I think of mom now in a very detached manner, if i think of her at all. It is what it is with mom. I give thanks everyday that I was blessed with one good parent. Some people on here never even had that.
I certainly believe you reap what you sow. My dad has a special place in my heart. My mom...not so much. I never even think of heavenly rewards or the like. It's not up to me anyway.

For 22 years????????? What has been wrong with them that you needed to take care of them for 22 years? Man, I don't know how you've stood it this long. My Mom has been living with us for 4 months and I'm ready to kill myself. That's an exaggeration. There has to be a solution to their situation, just like there has to be one for mine. I am still looking, but 22 years is an awful long time to be "caring" for someone. The grocery delivery and medications by mail sounds like a good idea. We get Schwan's foods delivered - they are in just about every state. It's very good, convenient and it is easy for them to make. That might help them. I don't have any family by me, but I have found an agency to come in to help, but I haven't started it yet. I just found out that the VA benefit will reimburse us. I am excited about the possibility. I've been doing everything myself. I'm the entertainment committee, the driver, the food shopper, the drug pusher, the clothes washer, the house cleaner, the cook (I hate to cook), the grass cutter, the caregiver, the bill payer, the gopher, the scapegoat, the all around manager of life and Mom's entire world. If I only had some family nearby for visits and helping, I'd be fine. I know how it is not to family nearby to help you out. I am really banking on this agency to give me a break. 24/7 with someone who isn't my favorite person in the world - YIKES. Almost too much to bear.

One of the most valuable things I've learned in therapy is that a child who did NOT receive the love and care they needed growing up will often stay more enmeshed and unable to be an adult with their parent than one who did get their needs met. Deep down on the cellular level, we still want it - that love, that approval, that acceptance, that encouragement that we didn't get way back when, and it needs to be exactly from the one person who won't or can't give it. Now the clock moves forward and the parent who deprived the child is old, needing caregiving - what then? Ironically an adult who had a good childhood is far more able to be objective and not manipulated by guilt or that last chance to make it right, than a child who was neglected. Screwed in the beginning and screwed in the end.

Those who speak of gratitude and heavenly rewards probably have no idea what I'm talking about.

Aksana, I hope you can find placement for parents and that they accept it - 22 years is enough.

you know, it would take them an extra thirty seconds to LOOK at the website and discover it was a legitimately HELPFUL website instead of just wiping it out.

:/

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

little common sense goes a long ways. or maybe because it takes two more braincells than anyone working here has.

PamelaSue: No, the links didn't show up.

Rollo May said, "...the purpose of psychotherapy is to set people free."

My therapist helps me to be a better caregiver without making me feel like a bad person for my limitations.

weren't there some helpful websites in here? i'm so glad that i sent them to my sister before they disappeared. anyone else missing them?

I'm not really sure what you mean by that. It doesn't sound right though.

I don't want a therapist to tell me what I want to hear. I go to my therapists to help me sort things out. I go because I have work to do, it's not about making me feel good in the immediate. Sometimes they tell me things I like, sometimes they tell me things I don't like. It doesn't matter whether or not I like it, all that matters is whether or not it is the truth and does it help me move forward and heal.

I think everyone on this forum needs a therapist to tell them what they want to hear.......to assuage their guilt or whatever unpleasant feelings they have.

I am sorry some of the comments here look like they were intended to make you feel guilty for having the feelings you're having. Delmys should be ashamed about their comments; I hope someday they can understand how destructive those words could be to someone who is very depressed. PLEASE see a therapist as soon as possible. This is not about your parents anymore, this is about you and what you need. Call someone right now who can help you; I'm worried about your health and your life.

Delmys, I respect your opinion. Having said that, I feel that whatever you went through and in having lost that individual, perhaps time has softened your outlook? Those of us who are in the middle of this most difficult caregiving look at it differently.I have been caregiving for my mother for over 17 years! I disagree when you say that our parents did so much for us and we must do for them. Yes! They did a lot for us but the situation is VERY DIFFERENT. Because a child progresses and develops, our elderly, chronically ill loved ones are regressing and we, the caregivers have to watch them die little by little every single day. I too am religious. But, that doesn't stop me from getting exhausted, angry, sad, desperate, hopeless and so many other emotions that can change minute to minute. Ignorant individuals have told me before, " but you are doing something that will be rewarded in heaven." While I truly believe and hope that it is so, some days my exhaustion and desperation do not want to wait until I get to heaven!!! I want the rest and help now! Here on earth!! Before anyone picks on me and says that I don't love my mother....you would be gravely mistaken. But, I am the only one of three children (the youngest at that) that has ever cared about the suffering that my mother has endured for all of her life. Still it is very unfair to me and my family that we, because we have empathy and human decency, have had this put upon us because of our caring. My siblings get together and plan their family vacations together when I can't even get away for the weekend!! I could give so many other examples but unless you walk in my shoes you would never understand. Just like I can not understand what the other caregivers are feeling this instance. Anyway, I send you peace and good wishes.

Anksana, now that you have provided more detail into your life, I can understand your anger issues. Stop taking your frustrations out on yourself and ask for help. St. John's Wort is not going to calm you - it is given in small amounts for depression, which you obviously have since you want to die. Get some professional help for yourself, and hire others to help out with your folks. You cannot be expected to do all the heavy lifting by yourself, so be good to yourself and get some help. We are hear to listen and I'm sorry you thought I was a "Bi .'

I'll join you in that drink. In fact, I'll BMOB and we can sit around and yell together. Wish people all lived closer.

Hi, My dad can be such an asshole at times, Sorry, but true. Today I was given a scolding from putting their wills in a safety deposit box in my local bank for safe keeping and away from the hands of home support. My dad is now suspicious of my actions. He wanted to know why I was so interested in their wills. I told him I wanted them in safe keeping and away from anyone who could alter them. Bloody Hell ....
I can't win....... I need a stiff drink.. Anyone want to join me?
Luv Ya,
Anksana-Moon

Anksana, I'm glad to see that hopefully your parents will accept their new home. If not, we will need to brainstorm again on alternatives way of persuading them. Hope it all goes well!!!

Please stop saying that we should treat our parents with gratefulness and loving care in their old age because they took care of us as children. I really hate it when you do. I would like Terrim and Delmys to please work for 18 years in an organization that deals with abused children. I think you need a reality check. Work 18 years since that is the age from birth to adulthood for children borned and dealt with all kinds of verbal, physical and sexual abuse by parents, or parents who looked the other way. I think you need to see the reality that Not Everyone has such Loving childhood.

If you want to quote the Bible, let's do: an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
Just as our parents treated us, so we should treat them.

I guaranty you that most caregivers abused from childhood are NOT doing that! Instead, we treat our parents by caring for them and do our darn best at it too despite our abusers Still Abusing us in their old age. I'm not in the mood to tell things that I had to put up to protect my mom from my dad. Unlike her protecting us kids. I'm definitely not doing the eye-for-eye thing. If I did, I would have walked away and let him use her as a punching bag while she remains completely vegetable state and unable to defend herself. I stayed to help my parents due to the Honor Your Father and Mother commandment.

I and my 7 siblings can tell you that our parents did not Love us or Protect us or Hugged us or Encouraged us. We learned fear and deep sadness while so young. I remember praying to God at around 7 or 8 years old asking Him why he made me be born. Shall I treat my parents the way did to us as kids??????

PamelaSue, you tell it like it is and I commend you!!! Though I was not physically abused as a child, my manipulative mother used us all(father included). She figured that if you lived under "HER" roof, she had the right to do so. Now my brother and father are deceased and she only has myself, my daughter and my grandson to start the process all over again. I swear if I were younger, wasn't in debt(due to my deceased husband's spending) I would leave yesterday!

i do thank my folks for everything they did,even tho my brother was the spoiled one, favorite ,he was a drug user, stole and still he could do no wrong.me i had always worked,married a wonder man and we have 41 years now.but it fell to me to handle my fathers funeral,my brothers too.now i take care of mother and other than my son and husband get very little help from the one other person who will benefit from what is left.I love mom but its hard to hear all the complaints and ungratefully stuff,but i know she is not aware of what she is saying the doctor said her brain looks like swiss cheese there is so much damage i pray for an end to this nightmare.

Debralee, how did you find out all of that? I can't find that, you are pretty good at that search thing! I know who to go to if I ever need to find someone, LOL! Terri Merrits use to be here a while back and she would constantly bash people who were here venting about caring for parents, especially those of us who were caring for abusive parents. It finally got so bad that either she quit or she was banned. No one liked her because she was such a horrible mean spirited "i am better than all of you" btch.

PamelaSue,

My heart breaks for you. How awful your mom said those things to you. I just want to scoop up the little girl you were and tell you that you ARE loved and you ARE a precious gift. I say this from my heart as a human being and from a Christian perspective. We're all precious in God's eyes. It's imperfect humans that skew things.

In that vein, I can't stand judgmental people. We are not here to judge, that's up to the Big Guy if I understand correctly. Nothing wrong with sharing your faith, big time wrong beating others up with it like a club. Then it's not faith, just vanity, coming from a PERSON, not God.

I struggle day to day with my own humanity and my relationship with my mother. She was/is a pretty good mom in many ways. I love her. I also understand that there is a whole world of hurt out there from children of mothers that were not so kind or loving. One of my good childhood friends is a victim of that kind of relationship. She will never be "whole" in her mind from that experience, but she knows I love her and it's not her fault she had a crappy mom. It just "is".

I think some find this website and post without thinking or knowing that their experience doesn't reflect the real world.

I know this personally from my experience with my brother. He is out saving the world. I am taking care of my mother, the best I can, without his being here and helping. I've given up on him being here.

It doesn't make me mad at God. He loves us. We're dealing with imperfect people, myself among them. I will be the last to judge.

Wishing you peace and love along the way.