I just got blasted by my sister and told I should visit my mother more often but she is the one who never visits or helps.

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Aaaargh!!!!! Need to vent. I just got blasted by my sister and told I should visit my mother more often and help her more.We both are at a distance but I am the one who visits and helps. Even when my sister does visit she does not help but has a "holiday". I have moved mother twice in the past year and still have a room full of her belongings to sort through from the first move. I, at 73, have my own health problems to look after. I do the best I can for mother, but she is Borderline and I have to set very firm boundaries for my own health. She has a lovely 2 bedroom apartment in a seniors complex, the staff is working on providing her with her some of her food needs as she says she cannot eat in the dining room, she has an ex nurse who shops for her and helps her in other ways, a couple who pick her up and take to to and from church and at 98 is still quite mobile and bright, and yet complains all the time and is unhappy - not that that is anything new. Time for a break from it all!!! Thanks to those who read this - just needed to get the frustration out.



Sounds to me like your Mom is getting more than enough help. As for your sister, all I can say is try to work out a schedule where both of you can share the visits -- and the responsibility. She's just trying to flip the script on you and make you feel guilty about her not doing enough. As they say at the residential treatment facility where I work: she's "dopefiending."

At 73, I don't blame you for enforcing the boundaries consistently. It keeps you from getting sick ... and getting "played" by the people whom you thought would meet you halfway.

Take care of yourself lovely lady, and keep us posted.

-- ED

Joan, Sounds like you are doing everything just right! So try to just ignore your sister. I have found that my own sister seems to blame me for all the things that SHE feels guily about, so I just block her out and continue to do what I think is the best thing for my mom and myself. I just don't have the room for her stuff.
Thanks Ed - I think mother is getting enough help but she doesn't, and has a crisis if she doesn't have bananas when she wants them etc. I can't (won't) call the residence every time things don't go exactly as she wants them. A lot of it, IMO, is attention getting. As for my sister, she won't lift a finger to help mother so no hope for sharing responsibility there. Every time I have asked her I get an excuse or the guilt tripping. "Dope-fiending" - new phrase - works for me. As for guilt trips - BTDT got the t-shirt, wore it out and threw it away and not getting another one. When you grow up with a Borderline mum you can learn pretty early. I know my sister won't meet me half way. She has always been angry at me and expressed it covertly. This time she took me by surprise and expressed it overtly - in a way it is kind of freeing lol.

Thanks again for the boost.
Thanks Ted - I appreciate your assessment. It sounds like our sisters are similar. It is so easy to stand at a distance and criticise others. "I have found that my own sister seems to blame me for all the things that SHE feels guily about" - so, so true.Blocking her out is good. I am getting better and better at ignoring things. I agree the key is to continue to do what you think is best for all despite what others say. Let her walk a mile in your moccasins before she criticises. No room for her stuff - you got it right there! Let it roll off like water off a duck's back - think I am growing feathers! (and sprouting cliches lol)

Take care
My favorite clitche lately is;
"What other people think about me is none of my business."
Love it!
I went throgh te same thing when my mother had bone .My sisters wanted to put her in a nh but she didn't want togo.so I took her home and stayed with her.When she past i was standing by her bed side holding her hand.I told her that I loved her. I miss her very much.
Frankly, having dealt with borderlines in my family, I'd make sure mom was safe and taken care of, keep up your boundaries like your doing as well as consider possibly that your sister does not want to spend hardly anytime with her borderline mother or it may be that they are two peas out of the same pod. My SIL is wearing her cancer survivor self to the bone trying to do way too much for her narcissistic mother while her sister stays away as much as possible. In light of the book, Understanding the Borderline Mother which type is yours?
emjo, as you already know, I'm sure, the borderline personality disorder has a very strong narcissistic streak in it. Unfortunately, my wife got the brunt of her mother's narcissism because as a twin each parent took one child on as theirs to raise. My SIL was raised by a very nurturing, brilliant, artistic, feminized slave of a man. Thus, she is a rescue type person. I'm very proud of my wife getting all of the help she has since 1988 in dealing with the baggage from this crap. My own mother basically was a more educated version of my narcissistic mom who used me to meet her emotional needs while never meeting dad's emotional needs, my step-dad's emotional needs and much less mine. She chose the type of man to marry the second time who would only serve as an escape ticket, but not threatened her bond with me. Thus, most of my childhood and adolescence is a blur. It's taken the last 4 out of the last 7 years of therapy to begin dealing with the blur. The best thing that i can say about the hell of these flashbacks is that as I deal with them my wife and I feel closer to each other. Frankly, these last three months have been tough for as I go into 'free association of thoughts and feelings' these flashbacks roll like a water fall and other times they just take place. Mother's should not raise up their sons to be substitute spouses. :(

Try to remember 4 things.

1. You did not cause your mother or your sister to have BPD.

2. You can't control their BPD.

3. You can't fix their BPD.

4. The only thing you really can do is choose a healthy path for yourself and stay there regardless if your mom or sister chose or do not choose a healthy path for themselves.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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