Today is one of "those" days.

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You know, sometimes, more often than not, I have really good experiences with caregiving, not from the perspective of others doing anything to help because that is NEVER going to happen, and I learned that early on...but I have somewhat figured out how to cope for the most part with that...but normally I find myself kind of making a life for myself out of this current situation...even though it's a really reined in life, not doing anything, not going anywhere, not even buying myself anything....feeling guilty when I pay more than $1.00 for a bottle of shampoo...nonetheless I have almost strangely learned to do this and not complain....BUT THEN THERE ARE THE DAYS LIKE TODAY.. Dear Lord in heaven, it feels like someone pulled the rug out from under me, there is nothing on my body that does not hurt, there is nothing in me that does not want to cry, I am angry, I am hacked off (I'd rather use the other word for that but will try to refrain..) caring for someone who is completely and I do mean completely bed fast and totally unable to do anything for themselves today is doing me in...I am feeling resentful, sad, angry at everything and everybody...and I know it's just me and I'm having one of those days, but how can you go from having a relatively decent few weeks to just feeling like you want to go run outside and go screaming down the road...I feel like I'm going to have one of those "network" moments..."I'm mad as h*ll and I'm not going to take it anymore"......maybe it is the residual effects of being completely fixed up and ready to leave this past Suday, only to have my hopes at any outside activity totally dashed by a brother who could honestly give a damn about me...but comes dragging in that smart mouth brat grandaughter of his to mouth off at me ....I am so Pi$$ed. Today I am honestly lookin into a future that may never come and thinking to myself when this is behind me I am done with absolutely every single SOB who I thought I could count on and who left me to wither by the wayside.....they all know Mama will be taken care of because they know it is ME they could give a damn about...that is what is finally hitting home....they KNOW that Mama is going to be WELL taken care of and so they have learned to not feel guilty for abandoning her....but they see me falling apart and they don't give a hoo poor me, pity party...sorry guys...but today is one of those days.......I wish I had a punching bag. I could sure get in some good ones on a day like this....


the siblings probably feel so much guilt they wont come around . no amount of money could buy the peace youll feel later .. be patient ..
We have been there and we understand. It will get better, and then it will get worse, then get it . The best thing to do on a bad day is vent it out here. I bet you are feeling better already, getting that off your chest. We give a lot more than a damn about you. Hang in there girl, tomorrows coming. Oh, and eat ice cream, it fixes EVERYTHING!
thanks yall.....and you know...I think I will have some ice cream :) I see Gladiator is on too, I shall eat ice cream and pretend I am Russell Crowe... after all, tomorrow is another day.....
I so understand! I hope you will find your way to accepting and loving your current role in life. There are give and takes in every situation but having lived the same that you are...I can really empathize and sympathize. If the siblings don't want to come to give you a rejuvenation time away......see if you can get them to hire a relief for a day or weekend a month. If not then check with your area senior services for volunteers to help. Hugs, Sharon
Hope22 oh I hear ya! Keep venting!

Referring to SharonD post: Accepting and loving your current role in life.. I have a quote:

Tolerance, compromise, understanding, acceptance, patience - I want those all to be very sharp tools in my shed..
Hope ...right there with you, you could have been writing my vent for the day and too many days gone by and I dare say, too many days in the future. Hang in there, as Assa said "Tolerance, compromise, understanding, acceptance, patience," and one more "forgiveness." I need it, I need it, I need it.

Enjoy the ice cream and movie. Today is supposed to be stormy here so movies are in my future.
Yes, stormy here too, and forgiveness....dear Lord how I need it. I believe I have it and then all the hostility that wells up in me. Today, our bathing aid was here and I vented to her the whole time she was here...and of course she listened sweetly, and it helps. I feel horrible because it is not MAMA who I am angry at...and as mentioned for the most part, I am able to do this and be OK with it because I know that one day I will be able to know I did everything I could do...but then the devil gets in me and I start dwelling on it..I've even done the whole rubber band on the wrist deal to pop myself and say STOP when those thougths happen....all that got was a red wrist and a lot of hollering stop...I heard Joel Osteen the other day talking about speaking positives in your life...that unless you do your life and your circumstances will not I tried that...nothing but positive affirmations all day, falling asleep praying positives, getting louder with them when the negative began creeping in and then finally openly exclaiming " I am positive I am going to slap the crap out of someone if they don't start stepping up".....ugh.... I;m trying folks...two steps forward...three steps is so dreary here and that does not help. I think I may go and get some potting soil and plant my tomatoes...(that my brother brought for me to plant...didn't bring the soil...didn't prep the pots, just brought something else for me to do....because I don't have enough already...) oh me....

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