Today I understood..that Is for today.
This morning while getting ready for work I was thinking about my Mom (of course) when the thought came whether it be a God thought or just my brain. I struggle so hard to make my mom's life in the nursing home the best it can be and my best requirements are very different from theirs. My mom did not take care of me as a child she left me with whomever at the time they had to keep me. She left me in the care of people I should have never been left with people that she knew had problems and should not have me. She and my dad worked all the time. They owned their own business that was open 24/7 I spent one Christmas with my parents in 1979 I was 22. I asked her once wear I was all those Christmas's she said she didn't remember and I don't remember a lot. Enough of that, I was in counseling for that and it helped. Today I realized in an instance that I act crazy about her because I do not want to be her. I put her in the nursing home because I could no longer care for her, but unlike her I want to make sure she is safe and cared for. The fact I put her there haunts me because it reminds me of her leaving me and I have to make sure I am not her that I do the right thing by her....so I have become the hamster in the wheel. I am meeting this morning at 11:00 with the Hospice Social Worker at her request to talk to me and meet my mom. Just wanted to share my thoughts again....this site has become my journal because I know that no one understands better than you do.