Today I understood..that Is for today.

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This morning while getting ready for work I was thinking about my Mom (of course) when the thought came whether it be a God thought or just my brain. I struggle so hard to make my mom's life in the nursing home the best it can be and my best requirements are very different from theirs. My mom did not take care of me as a child she left me with whomever at the time they had to keep me. She left me in the care of people I should have never been left with people that she knew had problems and should not have me. She and my dad worked all the time. They owned their own business that was open 24/7 I spent one Christmas with my parents in 1979 I was 22. I asked her once wear I was all those Christmas's she said she didn't remember and I don't remember a lot. Enough of that, I was in counseling for that and it helped. Today I realized in an instance that I act crazy about her because I do not want to be her. I put her in the nursing home because I could no longer care for her, but unlike her I want to make sure she is safe and cared for. The fact I put her there haunts me because it reminds me of her leaving me and I have to make sure I am not her that I do the right thing by her....so I have become the hamster in the wheel. I am meeting this morning at 11:00 with the Hospice Social Worker at her request to talk to me and meet my mom. Just wanted to share my thoughts again....this site has become my journal because I know that no one understands better than you do.

12 Comments

That is a good insight, 2tsnana. Your mother needed someone else to take care of you. She did not do a good job in carefully selecting the person or the environment or supervising your care. It makes sense to me that you would not want to act as negligently as she did.

I'll remind you that many, many parents have to find at least part time care for their children. Most of them are pretty diligent in trying to ensure it is good care. It can be a healthy part of growing up for the children. Unfortunately it didn't work that way in your case.

Many, many adult children have to find care environments for their parents. Some of the same reasons apply, and in addition it can be physically more demanding to care for a helpless 150 pound person than an 18 pound person. With appropriate oversight and advocating, a care center can be a good or often the best choice for the parent.

You are not neglectful, as your parents were. You are still looking after her best interests. I think you can justifiably totally let go of the fear that you are or will display the undesirable traits of your parents. Get out of that hamster wheel. You can care for her without going "crazy" about it.

Do you have children?
I have 2 and 5 beautiful grandchildren. Today after I posted the message I met with the Hospice Social worker and I believe she is a gift for me. I have a very good relationship with my kids and grandkids. I have a great husband they all are supportive of me,but do not see my mom. I am the only one that sees her that isn't paid to. My husband sees her occasionally,but his mom lives next door to us she is 90 and he is her only child. We got the caregiver corner covered. He is fortunately a fully retired former USMC. I will be retiring next year.
2tsnana, your true responsibility was to not repeat your parents' neglectful attitudes and practices with your own children. You can celebrate the huge success you have in that area! You have nothing to prove about your caring nature.

In most cases the hospice staff are a wonderful support not only for the dying person but also for the loved ones. You deserve all the support available!
That is just what she told me today. Today she asked me hard questions and they answer that I gave some were hard to say, but I felt almost cleanse when we parted She is going to meet with me once a week now to guide me through this maze of caregiving. I truly believe that the dysfunction level became less when I raised my kids. I take great pride in that... and watching my children parent I see them do things better than I did. My issues now are between my mom and I. My children severed ties with her years ago because she has always been so self involved and sometimes just downright hateful. The social worker asked me today if I thought my mom suffered from mental illness and I do I think she always has but as a child it was my normal. She would get mad at me and not talk to me and I mean not a single word for two weeks so I learned very early that I did not want to make her mad. As an only child it would get pretty lonely during those times and my dad would not cross her. He died when I was 22. I could go on and on but there is no need that is the past. This is for sure a journey for us both and I learned things today and will learn more as my journey continues with hospice. The nursing home staff said they could provide comfort care but I insisted that hospice be contacted and I am so glad I did. I thought I did it for her, but I believe that will get more than she does. I want her comfortable but her mind has faded so. The Social Worker told me that I should not expect from my mom what she is not capable of giving me. At 58 (almost 59) I am still learning... Thank God ;-)
2tsnana, the most incredible moment of being a parent, when you've come from a dysfunctional mother/daughter relationship, is when you look at your kids and think "I've broken the cycle. It stopped with me".
That is a fact Linda22....
dam right linda,
im getting old enough to slow down and look back a little bit . the person i have became is made up of bits and pieces of the worthwhile characteristics of everyone i have ever met , minus the flaws and annoying traits of everyone ive ever met .
its like digital data -- grab the useful bits and delete the trash ..
on a similar note i understand why its risky legal territory to discipline a child . if you ultimately light up your kids ass because they wont listen and make repairs the judge is on your side . if you slap a kid senseless because youre an idiot who never taught them anything you could find yourself in handcuffs -- as imo , it should be ..
what does my statement have to do with being a better person than your parent was ? i think your an improvement to the human race and a great example to your g - kids ..
Captain you are so right..I have picked up parts of people that I admire or took time to love me. I married a man with a great pattern to follow in raising children together we raised a happy adventurous family. He is a retired USMC so we were given the great gift of travel. I still carry things in me even at almost 59 that I work on daily... Talking about whippings my mom did that in our home. My dad never spanked me. One of the worse spanking I ever got was in with a car fanbelt that was hanging on the wall in the bathroom of my parents store. My mother went she got angry was not particular with what she whipped with it was usually the first thing she could grab. She always spanked on bare skin so it was a ritual....if you were home she sent you to your room you pulled your pants down at home it was belts. She always did it in private. Did it make me a better person ??? No it made me scared ...did that make me behave ??? you damn right it did. When I got whipped with the fan belt if was for taking an artificial white rose arrangement she had made to sell at the store. I found a can of purple paint and I painted the roses purple I thought they were pretty..took them to her and all hell broke loose. A day to remember
My God, you could be my mental clone. I could have written almost every word you did verbatim. I think I was meant to find your post and read it. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. At the same time, I'm glad I'm not alone in this mental crazy house.

And you're not like your mother. What sets us apart is one simple drop of compassion that we managed to dredge up from somewhere. And that's all it took. In caring instead of abusing, we're already different and one step ahead and thank God for it.

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