I've been caring for my mother for about twelve years now, and almost three as the sole caretaker since my partner died.
More and more I've noticed that my mother seems to look to me for cues about how to react to things (she often says she's my daughter, and not in a joking way), but lately it's gotten a little out of control. I've been sick, but still working, and cooking, and cleaning and all that, but i have laryngitis. Now suddenly she acts like she can't talk, or she whispers, just because I do. Tonight I turned on the Mary Tyler Moore show on television for her, and went to send some business email and make a few calls. about 10 minutes into the show she came running in yelling because she thought I had left the house, and it made for an awkward moment on the phone for me. Turns out she hit the wrong button on the remote control and it frightened her. It seems that unless I am in the same room with her, showing her what to do, and how to react, she can't really handle it. I don't know if it the (incurable) bladder infection is causing her confusion and fear, or if she has dementia. Her doctor says 'mild cognitive impairment' which seems about right, but when I get sick (rarely) it seems to make her anxious and more clingy.
She's a strong, intelligent, charming woman, but tonight I barely recognized her. She seemed terrified at being left alone in her own bedroom. We've been caring for her 24 hours a day for more than a decade, but she actually thought I'd left her alone in the house. It shouldn't have, but it hurt my feelings to think she didn't trust me.
Is there a class I can take, or a book I can read, or someone I can talk to who can explain this all to me? I think I/m too close to the situation to be objective.
I don't mind giving her a context and a framework when her grasp on reality is a little shaky, but it's hard to do when I'm sick too.
Maybe things will seem better in the morning.
MCI often (but not always) is the foreshadow of dementia. And whether she officially has dementia or not, she certainly has some of the behaviors common in dementia. If she has had the bladder problem for years and this anxious and clingy behavior is new, perhaps it is something new causing the behavior.
There are many books and online articles about what to expect from someone with dementia. Know that there are more than 50 distinct kinds of dementia, and what you read may not match exactly what you are experiencing with your mother, but getting a general picture will be very useful -- at least I found it useful.
Another way to learn what to expect, and also some tips about how to deal with it is to join a caregivers support group. Your local Alzheimer's Association office may be able to direct you to such groups.
I know what you mean about hurt feelings. When my husband accused me of stealing from him I knew it was the dementia talking, but it still hurts. My mantra became "It is the disease talking. It is the disease talking. ..."
The contrast between the "real" person (strong, intelligent, charming) and the person with the disease (terrified at being left alone in her own bedroom) is stunning. If I suddenly lost visuospatial cognition I'm not sure others would notice (I'm kind of ditzy in that arena to start with), but when my mechanical engineer husband couldn't figure out how to get into bed so that he was comfortably spaced between the headboard and footboard, that broke my heart.
If it is possible to get someone she trusts to help out when you are sick, that might be a good thing for both of you.
P.S. The infection is untreatable as far as I know-- after 25 courses of antibiotics it is antibiotic resistant. We do the best we can with diet, liquids, rest, all the holistic treatments, cranberry everything, acidifying her urine, estrogen, etc. and have seen three specialists. Apparently it's a growing problem with the elderly.
Sometimes I avoid thinking about how difficult it must be for her to have limited hearing, vision, physical strength and cognitive abilities, because it is a bit painful to contemplate. But she also has compensations: loving friends, many interests, and the respect of her community.
And I know we can get through this. I just need to keep my sense of humor.