I thought it was the light at the end of the tunnel. Turned out to be the a train.

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So my 76 year old mother's dementia has been noticeably worsening. She doesn't try to start supper any longer (yay); she does light matches but forgets about smoking a cigarette (half-yay); she does NOT like soap and water in any way, shape or form (ewww!) Her 80 year old boyfriend (with whom she lives) is sound enough of mind to tell her what to do but too frail (honestly) to do most things himself. I have been visiting them 4-5 times a week, making supper, doing grocery shopping, driving to most appointments; probably spending 8-20 hours with them on top of a 45-50 hour a week job.

Recently, when trying to get Mom to take a shower, I discovered that she had a tumor the size of my little finger growing out of her rectum, preventing the anal sphincter from closing! Well, this explained why she had feces on the wall, floor, sides of the toilet, in her pants, on the carpet, etc. Fortunately her General Practitioner was able to remove the growth in his office and tests determined it to be a benign growth of unknown origin. I expressed to the GP that I think it is time for a nursing home and he agreed, said he would make some calls for me.

Several days later I speak with a kind-hearted lady who recommends I sit down with Mom and her BF and talk about "options". I tell her, "There is no talking with my mother, she cannot participate in a conversation. Her boyfriend pretends she visits with friends and neighbors; she doesn't even recognize HIM when he is sitting with his buddy on the patio! She chases me around the kitchen trying to French kiss me. When I tell her that ladies don't French kiss ladies she asks, "Why not?" Or says, "How about this?" and grabs my boobs or my crotch! There is no way to "discuss options"!"

I made my mind up to call Adult Protective Services and ask that they at least come in and do an assessment, possibly they could talk BF into getting someone in to clean regularly. My plan was to call this past Monday.

And then we get a foot of snow. And BF, 80 year old BF, decides that he will shovel the snow. And falls. Has to be carried into the house by two neighbors. Doesn't want to tell his daughter, THE NURSE, that he fell and now can't put any weight on his right leg. Says that he thinks it is getting better. I remind him that if he falls and is knocked unconscious Mom doesn't know how to use a phone to call for help. Finally he calls his daughter, who comes and stays the night.

This morning he can't move. His daughter calls her brother, then daughter and son help BF, in a grueling 45 minute battle, to the car for the three minute ride to the hospital. BF's ankle is broken. In two places. The ER wraps him up in a "soft cast" and sends him home, in the ice and snow, with CRUTCHES!

He is completely immobile, sitting in his armchair in the living room. He can pee in a urinal, but what is going to happen when he needs to have a bowel movement? He CAN'T stand up! CAN'T!! What were they thinking? What was he thinking?

I did call Protective Services today. They said they would investigate within 72 hours. I hope Mom and BF make it that long.

Thanks for listening. You guys are the best. :-)

10 Comments

It's simply unending isn't it? I'm in a similar position but have some time before full on dementia starts. I am going to do everything I can to get them into a nursing home once that sarts and we are getting closer everyday. My mother says she took care of me and I was difficult so I owe both of them. Only, I have given up my whole life for them what happens when they are gone? I already lost my business. I don't know where I would be without the help of my Church.
Doubls, there are hormone patches I have seen used for overactive sex drive in dementia patoents. You might address that with the doctor. AND don't be afraid to follow up with the M.D. sometimes they forget to do thigs too.
Hugging you {{lena042}}!
Thanks for the suggestion, geewiz. Can't do any hormone stuff because Mom had a stroke in her eye, she is a high risk for another. The sexual stuff is actually sort of funny, it amuses her and I don't want to stop anything that gives her a bit of happiness.
The MD did make some phone calls, that is how I ended up talking with the kind-hearted lady. I just hoped that he would be the one to actually send someone out to investigate their situation. Oh well.
I salute you. Do not take over for them. His family should have insisted that he not be sent home, essentially alone (or worse.)

Can you make arrangements for your mother to be taken to a 24/7 care facility? She really needs help.

My cousin found out that her mother was gay, when she had her stroke and began throwing herself at her female care givers. Looking back, it should have been obvious to us.
An investigator from Adult Protective Services called today. After I told him the things written in my original post, he recommended I go to court to get guardianship, so that I can make the decisions for her that I am already making. Just have to fill out a 27 page packet of paperwork, have her examined by two MDs and get them to agree that she is incompetent, file the paperwork and appear in front of a judge. Should only take 30 days or so.

Why can't I just bring her to court and let the judge talk to her for 5 minutes? It is immediately obvious that she is not in her right mind. Nope, can't do that.

So, once I have guardianship what happens? I can make decisions that I am already making. I can decide that she needs to be in a more restrictive environment with 24/7 supervision and I can find such a place for her.

What's the freakin' point?
so your mom is living with her BF, and you are spending lots of hours there... and they sent him home from the hospital with no care plan? Why not.. they have you!!! The RN daughter is no dummy.. Maybe it's time to tell her you are off duty for BF, and work on getting Mom into a safe place for your own peace of mind. fill out those 27 pages and hope it helps!
I understand your frustration, but understand that these legal steps have been put in place due to utterly horrendous abuses of the elderly and disabled in the past.

When you have guardianship, you have tremendous a responsibility, akin to that of a parent to a child. You can dictate where she lives. You no longer have to have coversations about "options". You make the decisions and she has nothing to say about it.
I didn't mean to give the impression that his kids do/did nothing. His son put in immediately at work for time off to care for his dad and the daughter and son are alternating spending the night at the house with him. The three of us believe that he refused to stay at the hospital and left against medical advice. None of us were in the room when he received the final medical instructions.

His RN daughter came immediately and stayed the night once she knew he was injured. BF didn't want to call her because he knew she would recommend at least ER that night and a stay in the hospital.

I realize that the hoops were set up because of abuses in the past. Unfortunately the hoops lead to more delays and frustrations.

And Mom is unable to make a meal of any kind, I won't let her go hungry. It would be funny, but in a bad way, if I went over to the house and then made meals for me and Mom but told his kids they would have to feed him separately! LOL

It could be worse. He and I have a relationship and I don't want to see anything bad happen to him. It is just all so frustrating.
Update!
BF had surgery on 2/6, is confined to a wheelchair for at least 6 weeks and is in a rehabilitative program in a nursing home.
I did begin the paperwork for becoming Mom's guardian on Monday 2/9, completed it including the incompetency exams and consent to waive rights by all interested parties by 2/12, have a hearing with a judge and will most likely be her guardian on 3/24.
Was able to find a wonderful residential home that we can afford for the next two years, at which time Medicare will kick in. Moved Mom there yesterday.
Thanks for the support guys, you were here when I needed you!
Also
Two thumbs up, doubls. I hope your mother likes her new home as much as possible when she gets settled in. You have done an exceptional job. Big hugs coming your way.

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